Kloyo

Noun: a person who is an idiot, asshole, a douche, dumbass, or someone who has been kloiying.

Klojo is a Dutch word which is used as a humourous insult to people who mess things up. It might be a contraction from the more common "klootzak" which literally means "nut-sack." As much fun as it can be to call someone a nutsack, it doesn't really make a lot of sense. "Kloyo" gives a nice alternative to the above words, because we can never have enough insulting words, and we can always trust Dutch to provide hard-hitting, descriptive and effective insults for when we need them most.

Let's put the word to use immediately with a gallery of kloyos.

Dane Cook: The least funny comedian of all time, talentless hack who steals jokes from the greatest comedians including Bill Cosby, Dimitri Martin and Louis CK and manages to make them not funny. What a kloyo.

You'll be surprised if you see him how freaking weird kloyo this guy is, and secretly think 'actually, he's kind of funny.'
Kloyo's can also be loveable.

Or not.
I like to think that the words behind him say "The Whore House."


Example Sentence:

"What a bunch of kloyos."

Ro-Town

Place Name: The great city of Rotterdam
When people think of Holland, they automatically think of Amsterdam. Screw those people. I should explain. Rotterdam and Amsterdam are rivals. It used to be personified by the football rivalry of Ajax (Amsterdam) and Feyenoord (Rotterdam) until recently Feyenoord became a pathetic excuse for a team, personified by a recent 10-0 drubbing. Nevertheless, being from the nearby small city of Schiedam which is 20 minutes by tram to the centre of Rotterdam, I much more associate with Rotterdam.

Rotterdam, I think, really has the potential to be the next great city in Europe. Thanks to war and the near total-destruction of the city, Rotterdam has been able to build itself up, and now boasts things that other Dutch cities can't. For example:

• City planning
• Iconic modern architecture
• Room for growth

Last year I ran the 10km race of the Rotterdam marathon (the biggest and most important marathon in Holland), and I wrote a summary of it here. There I explained and took pictures of some of the landmarks of the city.

Of course, the major exposure that Rotterdam has gotten was from the Jack Chan Film Who Am I?, of which this scene really uses the landscape to its full effect.


James Bond has been to Amsterdam several times, but Rotterdam should almost be ready to take over. The thing that Rotterdam might be lacking is a nickname. Ro-town is actually already in common usage among some groups, and is simple and memorable enough to catch on. Some people in Rotorua, NZ might be up in arms at the thought of having their nickname stolen, but come on, their city is tiny and it smells like crap. Really. Ro-Town is also the name of an iconic music hall in downtown Rotterdam, so fair enough. It's ours.

I'll leave you with a skyline I put together of some of the most iconic buildings in the city, including:

• De Witte Huis (In the early part of the century, the tallest office building in Europe)
• The Swan/ Erasmusbrug
• The Willemsbrug
• The Cube houses
• The Pencil
• The Euromast
• The City without a heart, a sculpture by Zadkine
• And the buildinng Jackie Chan slid down

Enjoy.

Example Sentences:

"Why go to Amsterdam? They just have coffee shops and ho's. So does Ro-town, but so much more."

Ver-Wrecked

adjective: a messed up person, a handicapped person or any other person with a disabilty or disease.

The word "verrekte" usually comes in a set phrase "verrekte mongol". It is a deliberately offensive word uttered by Aso's. The Urban dictionary gives a good description of this word, its history and its usage in a Dutch context:

Verrekt Mongol, derived from popular Dutch TV show "New Kids on the Block" where a bunch of antisocial 20somthing-year-olds cause chaos and insult handicaps, the mentally ill and patients with disease (i.e. cancer) with harsh vulgar language. the meaning goes along the lines of "fucking retard" but can be used for almost any occasion.

dutch handicapped woman crosses the street in a wheelchair.

Bunch of 20somthing antisocials point at her and shout

"JEZUS, WAT EEN VERREKTE MONGOL"

"Mongol" has long been banished from the English language as an insult, probably because it turns out Mongolians are freaking huge and could destroy you with one finger, and they probably don't appreciate being used as an insult. Mongolia is basically a giant dojo for world champion Sumo wrestlers, so it's probably not a good idea.

However, Dutch Aso's don't seem to care. Then again, people with mullets tend not to care. It shows that Dutch people are at the cutting edge of reinventing offensive words, which is refreshing in this era of P.C. language.


While I don't recommend you to go around insulting actual disabled people, it is nice to have an alternative to "retarded", which somehow has become one of the most offensive words in the English language. We here at the Gazelle move to incorportate ver-wrecked into common usage. It's basically the same word, and it's always nice to improve your (offensive) word power.

If you need to practice the proper usage, use the video below. You really have to spit it out. It feels good. Trust me.





Example Sentences:

"I'm so tired. I'm totally ver-wrecked."

"People who say the R-word is more offensive than the N-word are ver-wrecked mogols."

Aso

Noun: an Anti-social person, a douchebag, an asshole.

In Dutch, "Aso" is a contraction of "asociaal", which means antisocial. This is not quite an accurate translation, however, as an antisocial person in English usually refers to nerds, geeks, loners and recluses. They are people who lack social skills. This is not quite accurate, as an anti social person would actually have negative social skills. That's where "aso" comes in.

My auntie once lovingly described Holland as a 'small rot land', referring to how close everybody lives to each other. Holland is technically ranked 28th in the world in terms of population density, at just over 400 people per square kilometer. However, a closer look at the rankings shows that Holland is actually the 2nd real country on the list. The only real country above Holland is South Korea, ranked 22, and all the rest are either tiny island nations, or simply rich cities that have their own governments, like Malta, Singapore and the Vatican. (I would have included Taiwan, but I don't want to piss off the Chinese government and recognise Taiwan as a separate nation and risk having hundreds of probably paid protestors outside my window.)

The point is, Holland is a country with many people sharing limited space. This makes social skills especially important.

This also makes it much easier to spot aso behaviour. This may include talking loudly, littering, careless driving, not giving up a seat to an elderly pregnant child with a broken leg, vandalism e.t.c. However, Aso also refers to a certain demographic which are often synonymous to bogans, punks, goths, emo's, hicks, white-trash and people from Den Haag.

In fact, Den Haag has a football club called Den Haag Ado, and they are famous for having the worst hooligan fans in Holland - even more so than Feyenoord and Ajax. Their club is usually at the bottom-middle of the table, but at least their hooligans are right at the top of their game.

Basically, when you say aso, you pretty much mean "asshole", butsaying aso allows you to pull back on the swears without pulling your punches. And nothing could possibly be more gazelle-ish than punching an aso.


Example Sentences:

1. A: "Not all Den Haag supporters are asos.
B: "They are so."

2. "Look at that guy mooning us. What an aso."