Kloiying

verb: to mess about, waste time with, to fuck about, to do something aimlessly or inefficiently

"Klooien" is one of many Dutch words to describe undesireable actions with a word that doesn't sound nice. A nice hard 'K' sound is a powerful tool when put into action at the right time. Transferred into English, it also gives off the sense of "clumsiness", which klooien definitely is.

Kloiying can be very similar to knutselling, with a few important contextual tweaks. Knutselling is always an activity that, although usually aimless, it usually results in something. Knutselling is also cute, whereas nobody really intends to kloiy, and as soon as somebody realises that they are in fact kloiying, they'll probably stop.

Kloiying can also be malicious, in a practical joke sense if the practical joke is pedantic one. In this sense kloiyen can be analagous to procrastination. A perfect example of this is pranks at the workplace or student-flat. This usually takes the form of filling someone's car with popcorn, wrapping their cubicle up with cellophane wrap or a particularly good toilet papering. Examples below, and endless examples at M thru F:


Example sentences:

"Uh oh. This was supposed to be an IKEA baby crib, but it looks more like a torture rack. I think I kloiyed up.

"Stop kloiying about. They're nipples, not radio dials!"

"Hey, if you guys don't stop kloiying, you're fired."

Freedom

verb: to have sex

Sure, there are already several words and phrases to mean having sex, for example:

           a bit of jam                    action
              ball                            ballock
              boloney ride                    bananas and cream
              bang                            basket making
              batter                          beef
              beef injection                  be in a woman's beef
              belly ride                      belt
              blanket drill                   blow off the loose corns
              board                           boff
              bone                            bore
              bottle                          bounce
              bump                            bump fur
              bunny stick                     burry one's wick
              bury the bone                   bush patrol
              buzz the brillo                 cane
              change one's luck               charge
              chuck a tread                   climb
              cock up                         come across
              couple with                     cover
              crack it                        cram
              crawl                           cream
              cut                             dance the mattress jig
              daub of the brush               dick
              dicky dunk                      diddle
              dig your stinger in the honey   dip your stick
              dip your wick                   dirty work at the crossroads
              do                              do a dive in the dark
              do a flop                       do a push
              do a slide up the board         dog
              do it                           do the deed
              do the nasty                    ease nature
              exchange spit                   feather-bed jig
              feed the dummy                  fiddle
              firk                            fit end to end
              fix her plumbing                flesh session
              flop                            flop in the hay
              four-legged frolic              frig
              fuck                            fun and games
              get a bit                       get a chunk
              get a crumpet                   get a hunk
              get a little                    get a piece
              get a snipper                   get a wet one
              get home                        get in
              get into her pants              get into some serious flesh
              get it on                       get jack in the orchard
              get laid                        get lucky
              get one's ashes hauled          get one's greens
              get one's leather stretched     get one's noodle wet
              get one's oil changed           get some
              get some action                 get some ass
              get some crack                  get some hair
              get some hole                   get some pussy
              get some stuff                  get some tail
              get some tweeze                 get your bean waxed
              get your pole varnished         give her a stab
              go all the way                  go like a belt-fed motor
              go to bed with                  go to it
              go to town                      go vaulting
              grease the wheel                grind
              grind on'e tool                 hanky-panky
              have                            have a bit
              have a bit of giblet pie        have a bit of summer cabbage
              have a blow through             have sex with
              hide the ferret                 hide the salami
              hit on the tail                 hock
              hop on                          horizontal refreshment
              hose                            hot roll with cream
              hump                            impale
              introduce charlie               invade
              irish whist                     jazz
              jink                            job
              join paunches                   jounce
              joy ride                        jug
              juke                            jump
              jump on one's bones             knock
              knock off a piece               know
              ladies' tailoring               lay
              lay off with                    lay some pipe
              lay the hip                     lay some leg
              leap                            leap on
              lie                             lie with
              lob in                          love
              make                            make feet for childrens shoes
              make it                         make love
              make out with                   make the scene
              making babies                   makin' whoopie
              mate                            mess around
              mingle limbs                    mix one's peanut butter
              mount                           mugg
              muss                            nail
              mail two bellies together       nick
              nib                             nig
              nub                             nut
              oblige                          off
              park your yacht in the hair harbor
              peel one's best end             peg
              perform                         pestle
              piece                           piece of ass
              piece of pussy                  piece of snatch
              piece of tail                   pile
              pile-driving                    pin
              plant the oats                  play at all fours
              play hide the bone              plow
              pluck                           plug
              pocket the red                  poke
              pole                            pole work
              polish your rocket              pop
              pork                            post a letter
              pound                           pump
              punch                           push
              put the boots to                put the tool in the shed
              quimsticking                    ram
              ride                            rip off
              rites of venus                  roasting the broomstick
              roll                            roll in the hay
              rock                            rod
              roger                           romp
              root                            rootle
              roust                           rub bacons
              rub up                          rumble
              rumple                          rutting
              salt                            saw off a chunk
              score                           screw
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up crew
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up
              shaft                           shag
              shake                           shake the sheets
              shoot between wind and water    shoot one's wad
              short arm practice              shove
              shtup                           sink the sausage
              sink the soldier                slam
              sleep with                      slip her a length
              slip into                       split
              spoil                           suattin' on the hog
              squat jumps in the cucumber patch
              squeeze and a squirt            stab
              stable my naggie                strop one's beak
              strum                           stuff
              swing                           tail-work
              take a turn in the stubble      take a turn on shooter's hill
              tear off a piece                tear the sheets
              the disappearing cane trick     the matrimonial polka
              thread                          thread the needle
              throw a hump                    throw a leg over
              throw a shot                    thump
              tie the true lover's knot       tiff
              tip the long one                to be intimate
              tooling in the woods            tops and bottoms
              trim                            trim the buff
              trip up the rhine               tumble
              tumple                          turn up
              twiddle                         varnish one's cane
              vault                           vitamin F
              wap                             wham
              what mother did before me       wind the clock
              womanize                        work
              work out                        work the dumb oracle
              work the hairy oracle           yard
              yentz

But as they say, we can never have too many words for fornication. Well, I don't know if anyone has ever said that. Surely. At least I just said it, not that it counts for much. So let us look to the Dutch language to add another entry to this hallowed list.

"Vrijen" possibly had a more innocent meaning in the distant past 'to court or woo', but it basically means the same thing as the list above. However, the root of the word (vrij) means 'free'. Little wonder that the hippie culture caught on in Holland, when making love was etymologically the same as 'making freedom'. And all this while we just presumed that it was the availabilty of herbal cigarettes. No, those Dutch hippies were smoking more than just joints. They were playing with more than just hackey-sacks. They were giving more than just their middle finger to society... if you get my drift.

Recently in Holland, like in some other certain nations, the word "freedom" is under attack by conservatism, which is pretty much contradictory if you think about it (which is perhaps why they usually avoid thinking about it.) Next week is the national election in Holland, and among the leading parties is PVV, "The Party of the Freedom" and it's supposedly charismatic leader Geert "I look like a Jane Austin character" Wilders. Now, I don't like to get political, although the Gazelle also aims to stay topical. Mostly I appreciate politics for comedic purposes such as Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and even Monty Python.

However, you just have to hate a politician whose platform for running for governmental power is "More safety, less immigration." Yeesh. That isn't the Hippy Holland that we have come to know and expect. So, in the tradition of true Dutch freedom meaning the same thing as 'fucking', I can say to Geert Wilders and his Party of Freedom, "get fucked". And maybe one day we can all make sweet sweet freedom together.

Example sentence:



Or, choose a favourite quote from this list.

Kring

Noun: a group of people sitting in a circular formation

If that above description sounds like fun to you, chances are, you're Dutch. Dutch people love nothing better than to sit in circular formations.

For non-Dutch people, sitting in circles was probably something you last did intentionally when you were in pre-school, but in Holland, krings are for all ages. It is considered by many to be the epitomy of gazellish-ness. Yes, the Dutch like structure so much that even Gazelles are penned up.
A visual representation of a gazellish kring

The most common site for a kring is at a Dutch party. In the centre there will usually be a table to place your coffee mug or beer. Also there will be biscuits or cake, of which you can take one. Yes, just one. It is considered bad manners to take a 2nd, unless offered.

As the party goes on, any new guests will quickly be enveloped into the kring. Chairs will be brought from other rooms, the garden or the neighbour's place to ensure that this happens. No-one is excluded from the kring. It is like a giant, ever-expanding superorganism. It cannot be stopped. Everyone is sucked in. It is a social black-hole.

This is why, under the gazellish veneer, I suspect something is afoot with the phenomenom of the kring. "Kring" sounds like such a stifling word, and I suspect it might have it's more sinister side. Compare the next two images.

Yes, the 2nd image is of a seance. When you think about it, there really isn't so much difference. So, my advice to Dutch people is: try not to think about it. Especially since this Sunday is Mother's Day. Sure, she may expect flowers or a phonecall, but all the Dutch mother really wants is you to be in her kring on this special day.


Example sentence:

"Come, join us. Join our kring. We won't hurt you. Join us. You know you want to."

Knutselling

I remember the time when I first heard this word. A daughter of some friends asked if she could go "knutselling" in my room. I thought; "aren't you too young for that?" But no, once I found out what she meant, I was all for it. In fact, I love knutselling. I seem to think I am very good at knutselling. So, I usually only knutsel by myself, so it was fun to do knutselling together.

Okay, if you are unfamiliar with this word, then before you call the police or send a pitchforked possy to pay me a visit, read the definition.
Knutselen: to tinker, to potter about, do-it-yourself, to do arts and crafts, etc.

If there is a word that the English language needs, "knutselling" is it. It is so perfectly descriptive of what people do, specifically in two scenarios.
Case Scenario 1:
A guy who likes to make stuff in his own workshop. The workmanship might be a little shoddy, he might not have the most efficient working methods, and he probably doesn't know anyone who has much use for another coathanger-slash-birdhouse. Still, it's his hobby. Now, the current best way to describe what he is doing might be "handymanning", but I don't like to use that word because I once accidentally saw a movie by that same name. Worst movie ever! Let's just say that the plot involved a very different kind of "hammering" than what I was expecting.
So instead, a slight Englishification, and "knutselling" is a great way to describe what men do in their garages and workshops. Well, that and meetings for the National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood ("NO MA'AM) meetings:

Case scenario 2:
It's a known fact that children like to make crappy things. The three things that children are good at making is noise, poop and fridge-decorations. Knutselling is exactly the right word for how they make these fridge-decorations. Basically, knutselling is anything they make from paper, scissors, colouring pencils, glue, glitter, macaroni, egg cartons, sea-shells, feathers and any other crap they can find. Currently, the best way to describe what these children do is "arts and crafts". But which is it? It certainly isn't art, or my university education in Art History was a complete waste of time (which it clearly wasn't, right? Right?). And there is so little craftsmanship in what children make to justify it as craft. The Dutch have done well to recognise this activity with such an appropriate word, and they sometimes go even further by having a "knutsel table", and even a "knutsel room" instead of a rumpus room. This might even be the reason that Holland was ranked as the best country to raise children. Although on the other hand, it might also be the worst country to be raised as a fridge. "oh... Thanks honey. It's, really... Wow... Thanks. I'll go and put it on the fridge now."


Example Sentence:"Not even McGuyver could beat me at knutselling."


Update: Even Miffy knutsels!
Well, she might be knutselling, or since all Dick Bruna's characters are made from paper, she could be wearing someone else's face.