Muts

Noun (singular): A dumb person, especially in reference to a woman, a bimbo.

A 'muts' in Dutch is a soft hat of any shape. Usually this refers to a beanie of some sort, but can include santa hats, the coonskin Davy Crockett, Soviet Cossacks AKA "The Loser" and even soft hats with a peak, ala "the Gavin DeGraw". There are many types of mutses.

However, muts is also used as an insult after somebody does something dumb. This may be in reference to this type of hat often covering the eyes and ears, or I might just have a vivid imagination and pulled that similarity out of my ass. Muts is often preceeded by "dumb", as in "My word, you are a dumb muts." This is perfect, because it sounds so much like the english insult 'dumb mutt', so it should effortlessly be able to infiltrate the English language.

Who can forget the iconic car, Mutt Cutts, from the movie Dumb and Dumber?

A further nuance of muts is that it often refers to women (perhaps as a vague reference to their downstairs genitalia). In this way, a good translation might be 'bimbo'. However, as the 76th Episode of Seinfeld astutely remarked, men are capable of being bimbo's too - or as Jerry said: "A Mimbo". Bill Maher also said something similar about Sarah Palin and George Bush, which can be seen here.



Okay, are the feminists gone? Thank goodness. Now let's take a look at possibly the biggest dumb muts in recent history: Miss South Carolina.



The great thing about using the word muts in English is that not only does it already makes sense to us because of the similarity with 'mutt', but also it makes it possible for someone to be a stupid bitch and a dumb muts at the same time. And we can never have too many animal-related insults.

While I am unsure of the exactly history of this insult, it was definitely this advertisement which really gave the word muts a wide exposure in the Netherlands. In it we see a woman checking her boyfriend/husband's phone and reads out a text messages from a woman who wrote "till over my ears". His defense was that she has a really big muts, with those flaps, that go over the ears. Yeah, I don't really get it either, but I appreciate any effort for widespread innuendo.



Example sentences:

"These people are dumb mutses."

Beffing

Verb: to give oral sex to a female

Last week the Gazelle tackled the subject of piping, and in the spirit of democracy and gender equality, this week's gazelle word is to please the female readers. (Just to shut up the feminists for a few minutes). Because nothing could be more gazelle-ish.

Like last week's word which concerned "fellatio", this topic is difficult to describe without being overly medical, or overly crude, or overly vague. Sexual health brochures will probably talk about "cunnilingus", and in more casual conversation people might use the phrase "giving head". However, since that is gender non-specific, people who are homophobes often prefer to avoid that term. And if you want to delve into the world of euphamism, take your pick:
(as usual, this list is but a small portion from George Carlin's incomplete list of impolite words (longer audio version here))

• barking at the ape
• bird-washing
• blow-job
• box lunch
• bush dinner
• cuntino fillet with white sauce
• cunt lapping
• dive a muff
• eating at the "Y"
• eating pussy
• eating out
• egg mcmuff
• face job
• french job
• french tricks
• furburger
• give face
• give head
• go down on
• go south
• go under the house
• hair pie
• head job
• larking
• lickety split
• moustache ride
• muff barking
• muff dive
• mumbling in the moss
• pearl diving
• playing in the sandbox
• sea food dinner
• shrimping
• sit on one's face
• smokin' in the fur
• sneeze in the basket
• sneeze in the cabbage
• talking to the boat people
• talking to the canoe driver
• telephone the stomach
• tongue-fuck
• tuna taco
• whistle in the dark
• whistling in the weeds
• yodeling in the gully

The Dutch word "beffen" strikes a nice middle-ground between being just polite enough to say around females, crude enough to still be sexy, funny enough to say around your friends, and it's not just another euphamism which someone might not quite understand. "Beffen" has been entered into the Urban Dictionary as is, but why not simply incorporate this into the English language and make it into a proper verb? It would solve a lot of confusion, and with this topic, confusion is the last thing you want to incite.


Example Sentence:

"I wan't to use the word "beffing" in its non-continuous verb-form: "he befs", "she befs", but I am afraid I won't be able to do it tastefully... I guess I just didn't."

"Tom Selleck didn't always have a moustache. It happened in a tragic beffing accident."


*by the way, how hilarious is "yodeling in the gully?".
Answer: very.

Squirting and Swallowing

verb: to take drugs

It is a strange fact of life that sometimes stereotypes are in fact opposite. This post concerns the usage of drugs in the Netherlands. The Netherlands makes a distinction between "hard" and "soft" drugs. Cannabis, a "soft" drug, is generally allowed in the Netherlands, yet usage is considerably lower than many countries who still crimminalise it, as seen by this graph. And I don't think this takes into consideration the massive amounts of drug tourism that Holland also generates.

People often explain this curious statist by saying that people like doing things that aren't allowed, but this seems like a pretty weak explanation to me. My hypothesis is related to the Dutch language. "Spuiten en Slikken" is a euphamism primarily for taking drugs. In fact, there is even a popular TV show which addresses drug and(/or) sex-related activities. I once saw a young female tv host try acid and go to a disco. Now that is reporting!


Quite literally, it can be translated as "squirting and swallowing", which suddenly makes taking drugs seem a little less attractive. Or at least, it is something you would put some more thought into doing. Because, even in Dutch, judging by a google image search I just made, there is a large connotation with some aspects of sexual intercourse you hope won't be on the video that God shows you at the pearly gates.

See, when drugs are illegal and most people seem to agree that there is relatively little harm to come from them, people might be quicker to go ahead and use them in spite of the legal risk. In Holland there is a much more open dialogue, and people can make a more informed decision as to whether they want to "squirt and swallow". So I think we could introduce this eupemism into the English language, and see if this affects the drug-use statitics. It could do no harm, except I suppose, to people who like freaky sex but are staunchly anti-drug. But those people can go screw themselves, which I am sure they will.

Example Sentence:

"Every year, hundreds of thousands of drug tourists come to Amsterdam for some squirting and swallowing which their home governments would not approve of."


Bonus: Another popular host of the show Spuiten en Slikken, Nicollete, famously posed for playboy last year to "report" on the experience. This has no real relevance to this post, but is still awesome.

Nutless

Adjective: "useless", something without any forseeable purpose

If a Dutch person is performing a task that has no possible benefits, that task is often called "nutteloos". However, from my English-speaking background, whenever I hear this word, it sounds much more descriptive, as it suggests neutering and eunuchs. This is never a nice thing to think about (or FYI, to google search... this will take a few weeks to get out of my mind...)

Anyway. So I think we can all agree that, not having any balls renders a male useless for some specific tasks. However, we can extend this expression to actions too, to really drive home the pointlessness of it. For example, it may be nutless to get a brazillian if you are a eunuch.

I also like the structural parallels with the well-known expression "as useful as a spare prick at a wedding", for which the Gazelle equivalent would be: "as useful as an empty nut-sack". I like it. It is an effective, poignant analogy that easily crosses over into the English domain without explanation.

It can also be said that something 'has no nut'. [Het heeft geen nut], which means the same thing as nutless.

Antonym: When something is, on the contrary, useful, Dutch people call it "nuttig". I like to translate this to"Nutty", which always brings a smile to my face as I recall this scene from Austin Powers.

Example sentences:
"Abstinence is nutless"
"I don't want to clean my room, it has no nut. It will just get dirty again"


Bonus:
Seeing Scrat from the Ice Age trilogy made me want to see more of him. Maybe you do too. Here is a glorious short film about Scrat from Pixar's Ice Age. You might even say this his whole life is nutless.

Freedom

verb: to have sex

Sure, there are already several words and phrases to mean having sex, for example:

           a bit of jam                    action
              ball                            ballock
              boloney ride                    bananas and cream
              bang                            basket making
              batter                          beef
              beef injection                  be in a woman's beef
              belly ride                      belt
              blanket drill                   blow off the loose corns
              board                           boff
              bone                            bore
              bottle                          bounce
              bump                            bump fur
              bunny stick                     burry one's wick
              bury the bone                   bush patrol
              buzz the brillo                 cane
              change one's luck               charge
              chuck a tread                   climb
              cock up                         come across
              couple with                     cover
              crack it                        cram
              crawl                           cream
              cut                             dance the mattress jig
              daub of the brush               dick
              dicky dunk                      diddle
              dig your stinger in the honey   dip your stick
              dip your wick                   dirty work at the crossroads
              do                              do a dive in the dark
              do a flop                       do a push
              do a slide up the board         dog
              do it                           do the deed
              do the nasty                    ease nature
              exchange spit                   feather-bed jig
              feed the dummy                  fiddle
              firk                            fit end to end
              fix her plumbing                flesh session
              flop                            flop in the hay
              four-legged frolic              frig
              fuck                            fun and games
              get a bit                       get a chunk
              get a crumpet                   get a hunk
              get a little                    get a piece
              get a snipper                   get a wet one
              get home                        get in
              get into her pants              get into some serious flesh
              get it on                       get jack in the orchard
              get laid                        get lucky
              get one's ashes hauled          get one's greens
              get one's leather stretched     get one's noodle wet
              get one's oil changed           get some
              get some action                 get some ass
              get some crack                  get some hair
              get some hole                   get some pussy
              get some stuff                  get some tail
              get some tweeze                 get your bean waxed
              get your pole varnished         give her a stab
              go all the way                  go like a belt-fed motor
              go to bed with                  go to it
              go to town                      go vaulting
              grease the wheel                grind
              grind on'e tool                 hanky-panky
              have                            have a bit
              have a bit of giblet pie        have a bit of summer cabbage
              have a blow through             have sex with
              hide the ferret                 hide the salami
              hit on the tail                 hock
              hop on                          horizontal refreshment
              hose                            hot roll with cream
              hump                            impale
              introduce charlie               invade
              irish whist                     jazz
              jink                            job
              join paunches                   jounce
              joy ride                        jug
              juke                            jump
              jump on one's bones             knock
              knock off a piece               know
              ladies' tailoring               lay
              lay off with                    lay some pipe
              lay the hip                     lay some leg
              leap                            leap on
              lie                             lie with
              lob in                          love
              make                            make feet for childrens shoes
              make it                         make love
              make out with                   make the scene
              making babies                   makin' whoopie
              mate                            mess around
              mingle limbs                    mix one's peanut butter
              mount                           mugg
              muss                            nail
              mail two bellies together       nick
              nib                             nig
              nub                             nut
              oblige                          off
              park your yacht in the hair harbor
              peel one's best end             peg
              perform                         pestle
              piece                           piece of ass
              piece of pussy                  piece of snatch
              piece of tail                   pile
              pile-driving                    pin
              plant the oats                  play at all fours
              play hide the bone              plow
              pluck                           plug
              pocket the red                  poke
              pole                            pole work
              polish your rocket              pop
              pork                            post a letter
              pound                           pump
              punch                           push
              put the boots to                put the tool in the shed
              quimsticking                    ram
              ride                            rip off
              rites of venus                  roasting the broomstick
              roll                            roll in the hay
              rock                            rod
              roger                           romp
              root                            rootle
              roust                           rub bacons
              rub up                          rumble
              rumple                          rutting
              salt                            saw off a chunk
              score                           screw
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up crew
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up
              shaft                           shag
              shake                           shake the sheets
              shoot between wind and water    shoot one's wad
              short arm practice              shove
              shtup                           sink the sausage
              sink the soldier                slam
              sleep with                      slip her a length
              slip into                       split
              spoil                           suattin' on the hog
              squat jumps in the cucumber patch
              squeeze and a squirt            stab
              stable my naggie                strop one's beak
              strum                           stuff
              swing                           tail-work
              take a turn in the stubble      take a turn on shooter's hill
              tear off a piece                tear the sheets
              the disappearing cane trick     the matrimonial polka
              thread                          thread the needle
              throw a hump                    throw a leg over
              throw a shot                    thump
              tie the true lover's knot       tiff
              tip the long one                to be intimate
              tooling in the woods            tops and bottoms
              trim                            trim the buff
              trip up the rhine               tumble
              tumple                          turn up
              twiddle                         varnish one's cane
              vault                           vitamin F
              wap                             wham
              what mother did before me       wind the clock
              womanize                        work
              work out                        work the dumb oracle
              work the hairy oracle           yard
              yentz

But as they say, we can never have too many words for fornication. Well, I don't know if anyone has ever said that. Surely. At least I just said it, not that it counts for much. So let us look to the Dutch language to add another entry to this hallowed list.

"Vrijen" possibly had a more innocent meaning in the distant past 'to court or woo', but it basically means the same thing as the list above. However, the root of the word (vrij) means 'free'. Little wonder that the hippie culture caught on in Holland, when making love was etymologically the same as 'making freedom'. And all this while we just presumed that it was the availabilty of herbal cigarettes. No, those Dutch hippies were smoking more than just joints. They were playing with more than just hackey-sacks. They were giving more than just their middle finger to society... if you get my drift.

Recently in Holland, like in some other certain nations, the word "freedom" is under attack by conservatism, which is pretty much contradictory if you think about it (which is perhaps why they usually avoid thinking about it.) Next week is the national election in Holland, and among the leading parties is PVV, "The Party of the Freedom" and it's supposedly charismatic leader Geert "I look like a Jane Austin character" Wilders. Now, I don't like to get political, although the Gazelle also aims to stay topical. Mostly I appreciate politics for comedic purposes such as Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and even Monty Python.

However, you just have to hate a politician whose platform for running for governmental power is "More safety, less immigration." Yeesh. That isn't the Hippy Holland that we have come to know and expect. So, in the tradition of true Dutch freedom meaning the same thing as 'fucking', I can say to Geert Wilders and his Party of Freedom, "get fucked". And maybe one day we can all make sweet sweet freedom together.

Example sentence:



Or, choose a favourite quote from this list.

Monster

Noun: a sample, a specimen

Some words in the English language are simply depressing. Besides a very well-known exception "sample" is often one of these. It denotes a small portion, just enough of something to be used for some other means it isn't intended for.

In Dutch, and I can't for the life of me imagine why, the word for sample is "monster". This is especially odd since "monster" is also "monster". I sometimes work in lunch kitchens (As I keep telling myself, it is only to pay my way through school), and I often have to take samples of food in the event that someone gets sick. I will never forget the first time I was asked to take a sample:

Me: "What can I do now?"
Them: "You can take a monster"
Me: "Take a what?"
Them: "A monster"
Me: "... What, right here?"
Them: "No, the soup. And the rice."

As you may well imagine, that led to much confusion. It seriously felt like I was stuck in a real-life Monty Python skit.


It just makes no sense to me. A sample is small. A monster is big. And ugly. And in a sentence "taking a monster" can easily be misconstrued as a childish unintended innuendo. And so, a usually mundane task at work never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Because bringing smiles to faces is what the Gazelle is all about, I propose that we replace the word "sample" or "specimen" with "monster" at every available opportunity. It would feel as good as sponsoring a child in a poor country, with the added benefit of not actually having to help anyone!


Example sentences:
"My wife wants me to go to the fertility count, so I can go make a kwak monster... They supply magazines, right?"
"Okay, I am going to take a monster to the swamp."

It also gives new meaning to the word monster. I bet you now can never again listen to this song seriously (Well, not that you ever could):

Moose Foot

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.