Old Whoring

verb: to reminisce, to talk excessively about the past

This actually has nothing to do with Kim Cattrall, but I can never miss an opportunity to insult her. (FYI, there are much much more slutty pictures I could have posted here, but I wouldn't wish her camel toe on my worst enemy)

"Old whoring" is a literal translation from Dutch, which people use in a non-insulting way to refer to reminscing. Reminiscing... What a crappy word that is. So messy. I had to look up the spelling of it for the purposes of this post. However, until now, there isn't a much better way to describe talking longingly about the past. "Old whoring" is an attention-grabbing word that could fill this niche.

I am usure about how this term came into existence. Perhaps it is due to the relaxed attitude of Dutch people towards prostitution that allows the whores to talk openly in public. And let's be honest, anything a whore says about her past is reminscing about better times. But old whoring is not just for old people and/or whores. No, everyone can old-whore. Young, old, male and female. Because whores are just like you and me. They're people, too, naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate behind a curtain in the VIP booth.



Example Sentence:

"Me and the guys are going to go out later for some beers and some old whoring"


Bonus
A classic older whorer is Abraham Simpson, who once famously said:

"One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.."

Effen

Adjective: "for a moment"

As the great/late George Carlin once said, swearwords are the "spice of language". Unfortunately for the English language, he pointed out that there are only 7 words you can't say on television. Then there is a considerably more extensive list of "impolite words":


Then, there are also the words that sounds like swearwords but they aren't, and so are fun to just insert into casual situation. "Effen" fits into this third category. In Dutch it basically means "for a moment", and it easily traverses the language barrier into an English sentence for added spice (and a Spice that you can have on public TV). At first hear, one may think it might be a christianified swearword version of "fucking" (like "gosh-darn-it" instead of the classic "god-damn-it"), and thus it helps emphasise the urgency of the statment. Let's get straight into an extended section of example sentences. Hopefully you too will see the gazelle-ish possibilities of creating your own and expanding the spicyness of your everyday language.

Example Sentences:

"Could you effen come here?"

"Effen leave me alone. I just want to finish this game of Solitaire."

Telephone salesman: "Do you have an effen moment for me to try and screw you?"
An irritated person: "No, I am effen busy. Effen eff off."

Talking Cunt

Noun: the facial-hairstyle known as the "goatee".

This is a literal translation from the Dutch "Pratende Kut", due to the physical similarities. I think it has great potential in English as an insult to people who have a goatee. Not that the goatee is neccessarily a shameful facial accessory (I even sport one), but you can never have enough ways to insult others. Let us simply continue this post with a gallery of well-known talking cunts.










Example sentence:
Ah, what a magnificent collection of talking cunts.

Kring

Noun: a group of people sitting in a circular formation

If that above description sounds like fun to you, chances are, you're Dutch. Dutch people love nothing better than to sit in circular formations.

For non-Dutch people, sitting in circles was probably something you last did intentionally when you were in pre-school, but in Holland, krings are for all ages. It is considered by many to be the epitomy of gazellish-ness. Yes, the Dutch like structure so much that even Gazelles are penned up.
A visual representation of a gazellish kring

The most common site for a kring is at a Dutch party. In the centre there will usually be a table to place your coffee mug or beer. Also there will be biscuits or cake, of which you can take one. Yes, just one. It is considered bad manners to take a 2nd, unless offered.

As the party goes on, any new guests will quickly be enveloped into the kring. Chairs will be brought from other rooms, the garden or the neighbour's place to ensure that this happens. No-one is excluded from the kring. It is like a giant, ever-expanding superorganism. It cannot be stopped. Everyone is sucked in. It is a social black-hole.

This is why, under the gazellish veneer, I suspect something is afoot with the phenomenom of the kring. "Kring" sounds like such a stifling word, and I suspect it might have it's more sinister side. Compare the next two images.

Yes, the 2nd image is of a seance. When you think about it, there really isn't so much difference. So, my advice to Dutch people is: try not to think about it. Especially since this Sunday is Mother's Day. Sure, she may expect flowers or a phonecall, but all the Dutch mother really wants is you to be in her kring on this special day.


Example sentence:

"Come, join us. Join our kring. We won't hurt you. Join us. You know you want to."

Dutch Champaign

Noun: A cocktail containing extremely cheap wine and supermarket-brand soda

There is a wealth of slang in the English language that begins with the word "Dutch", most of which is negative. The reason for this, according to Wikipedia, is because of an age-old rivalry with Holland and England. Basically, the English are dicks. Well, I am loosely paraphrasing Wikipedia, who says:

"English rivalry with the Netherlands especially during the period of the Anglo-Dutch Wars gave rise to several phrases including Dutch that promote certain negative stereotypes. Examples include Dutch courage, Dutch uncle and Dutch wife."

The slang words using Dutch have since been extended considerably in popular usage, usually concerning marijuana, sex or flatulence, and often a combination of all three. Browse this Urban Dictionary list with caution and patience.

However, the word Dutch often - deservedly or not - still holds the main connotation of cheapness. Whether this is true, I will not comment. I will say that the same stereotype applies to the Scottish (You can tell you have gone from England into Scotland when you see toilet paper hanging out to dry). And let's not ignore the lengendary cheapness of the Chinese (... stereotype) .

Personally, I am very Dutch in this sense, but that could well be a result from my drawn-out student life-style. Another part of this lifestyle is drinking. My "Drunkenomics" are lengendary in being able to maximise fun with minimum asking-parents-for-money.

For this, I invented Dutch Champaign. Basically, you buy the cheapest possible bottle of wine available. You know, stuff with a rubber cork. More preferably, get wine that comes in a carton labelled only "wine" in bold letters. Try to get the stuff that you might also be able to use to unclog your shower. It doesn't matter how nasty it tastes, because of the 2nd ingredient :a bottle of generic brand soda. It also costs next to nothing, and mixed together with the wine, it tastes like mummified sugar. For all you know, it resembles something that might be suitable for human consumption.Sure, this might sound disgusting and ridiculous, but it would still taste better than a real Dutch Champaign, if any Dutch person were stupid enough to try make it. Unfortunately, this post comes a few days late for the biggest party in Holland, Queen's day, but rest assured, that with just a few euro you too can celebrate being Dutch any time of the year.

Example sentence: "Do you want to go Dutch on some Dutch Champaign? I'll get the soda, and you get the wine."


Extra tips:

1. Drink from a large plastic cup
   
2. Drink while in the shower
3. Wear a helmet

This guy is enjoying his Dutch Champaign.