Smink

Verb: to paint one's face - often painting it black
In this week's special Saint Nicholas-themed edition, we learn about sminking. Now, some people may cringe at the similarities with black face minstrels, but you need to understand the cultural context in Holland. Holland is a tolerant country. Even our minorities and our racists are tolerant. Likewise we are tolerant of minories and racists. So that means there can't be any racism... I think.

Anyway, around this time of year you often see people in black-face and pantaloons running around the city. They have 'schmink' ed themselves, to look like Zwarte Piet, who are basically what the elves are to Santa. Here are a couple of photos to give you an idea. And here is a what google images shows us.




(Okay, these guys at Carnival aren't Zwarte Piets, but they have obviously reused their zwarte piet costumes. This only further shows the tolerance of sminking.)

To show you the difference between blackface and sminking for St. Nick, take a look at the following example. I have taken a completely innocent subject, made him racist, and then made it okay again.



The history of Zwarte Piets is probably to do with slavery or the devil, but over time as values changed, Dutch people have changed the story (rather than the tradition), and now they are seen more as elves and helpers who like to play with kids and hand out candy. So, who can complain with that.

I was once working a random job with a female who happened to be black. We were sitting down outside a supermarket taking a small break when a woman and her young daughter stopped at our bench to pack their groceries. The little girl looked up at my colleague and asked "Are you Zwarte Piet?"
You would think this is awkward, but this must be a very common occurence for black people in Holland. I guess they are tolerant?

In the true spirit of Saint Nicholas, I have written a poem about Zwarte Piets and sminking.


Saint Nicholas is kind of like a modern-day Robin Hood
He gives presents only to the children who have been good
So to find the nice children he has to leave the country of Spain
And takes the boat over to the land of snow, sleet and rain

But it he can't do this all by himself
He has always had 'Zwarte Piet' to lend him some help
In the olden days he used some North African Moors
But that would be racist, so he doesn't do that anymore

Instead, white people all over holland avoid such a disgrace
And they take out black shoe polish and put on black-face
Then we tell the children that Piet is covered with soot from the chimney
That means that their skin is not black - it's just dirty

So the for the weeks around december racism is completely solved, I think
All thanks the the power of smink


And really, this is the most magical time of the year. While Christmas is a big holiday like everywhere else, Saint Nicholas Day is truly our own. It's much more than about presents, it's about gazellishness and of course the sweets and baked goods that are so very Dutch. It is the most gazellish time of the year, smink or no smink.

Ver-Wrecked

adjective: a messed up person, a handicapped person or any other person with a disabilty or disease.

The word "verrekte" usually comes in a set phrase "verrekte mongol". It is a deliberately offensive word uttered by Aso's. The Urban dictionary gives a good description of this word, its history and its usage in a Dutch context:

Verrekt Mongol, derived from popular Dutch TV show "New Kids on the Block" where a bunch of antisocial 20somthing-year-olds cause chaos and insult handicaps, the mentally ill and patients with disease (i.e. cancer) with harsh vulgar language. the meaning goes along the lines of "fucking retard" but can be used for almost any occasion.

dutch handicapped woman crosses the street in a wheelchair.

Bunch of 20somthing antisocials point at her and shout

"JEZUS, WAT EEN VERREKTE MONGOL"

"Mongol" has long been banished from the English language as an insult, probably because it turns out Mongolians are freaking huge and could destroy you with one finger, and they probably don't appreciate being used as an insult. Mongolia is basically a giant dojo for world champion Sumo wrestlers, so it's probably not a good idea.

However, Dutch Aso's don't seem to care. Then again, people with mullets tend not to care. It shows that Dutch people are at the cutting edge of reinventing offensive words, which is refreshing in this era of P.C. language.


While I don't recommend you to go around insulting actual disabled people, it is nice to have an alternative to "retarded", which somehow has become one of the most offensive words in the English language. We here at the Gazelle move to incorportate ver-wrecked into common usage. It's basically the same word, and it's always nice to improve your (offensive) word power.

If you need to practice the proper usage, use the video below. You really have to spit it out. It feels good. Trust me.





Example Sentences:

"I'm so tired. I'm totally ver-wrecked."

"People who say the R-word is more offensive than the N-word are ver-wrecked mogols."

Tinted

Adjective: A person of colour

Dutch people are famously tolerant. We are so tolerant that other countries can kiss our collective tolerant asses. We are so tolerant that not even blackface is offensive. This is because Dutch people do not judge people by the colour of their skin, because they do not see colour.

They do however, see "tint". This is a much more convenient way to discerning the implications of someone's race. It is as if you could place a greyscale next to anybody's skin, and it would give you a scientifically verifiable level of tint. Because sometimes if you see things in colour, things can get very confusing. For example, some Asians are more tinted than North Africans and some West Europeans have more tint than half-bloods. And how do you even start to comprehend half-bloods?



It is said that race is not something you choose, but history has shown that oftentimes, it clearly is. For example, in common convention, a half-black person is still black. Hell, in New Zealand, a 1/16 Maori is still a Maori, if they choose to be. While this has many great advantages, such as an awesome rugby team, it does lead to all types of complications, the first of which is, you often cannot describe someone by their skin colour because that would be racial. This problem could be solved by using the Dutch language as a guide, and we could forever stop judging people by the colour of their skin. We can judge them by the tint of their skin. Prob-lem solved.

Try the tint-test yourself. How high up on the scale are you?

Take current-day Holland, for example. Holland is so not-racist that the third-largest political party is a one-man party for a guy who goes by the name of G. Wilders. By other counts he might now be the most popular political party.


It is not this Wilder, but they are both a one-man party and probably equally fun to party with.

This politician G. Wilder is currently under the process of going through a court trial filed against him for hate-speech against Muslims, by which he obviously means Turkish and Moroccans. If so much can get behind this man and his words, it is a symbol of how far Holland has come in terms of tolerance. In fact, Holland has gone beyond tolerance. We have learned to see the world not just in black-and-white, but in all the tints in between.


Example Sentence:

"I fall for tinted boys/girls" (This is a very common expression to say that if you had the choice, you would prefer to have sex with someone who has some skin tint.)

Blank

Noun: A Caucasian

This may come as a surprise to many, but in Holland there are no white people. Although I wrote last week that Dutch people can see in black or white, and all tints in between, people themselves are not black or white. No, that would be racial. Holland doesn’t have white people. They have “blank” people.

Yes, in Holland, Caucasians are not white, but colourless, kind of like the Hollow Man, except without (necessarily) being perverts, stalkers and maniacal killers. This is probably why Caucasians are less likely to be arrested of committing crimes, because the crimes they do commit usually go unnoticed.

Conversely, they don’t have black people. They have “darker” people [“donkere”]. This is usually used to describe when somebody’s skin-tone exceeds that of which can usually be described in terms of tint. This way, the entire spectrum of race can be described without being controversial.

Confused? Let's clear this up by using the magic of google images. This first screencap is what you get when you search for "tinted men". The 2nd photo of Vin Deisel is an excellent example. The fifth picture of Ice Cube is probably better under the "darker" category. The 2nd photo on the 2nd row is Johnny Depp, and although he often portrays "darker characters" this is not usually what is meant. The three photos of police vehicles (or 30%) is brushed off as coincidence.

This next screencap is when you search for "darker people". These all seem to be fine examples, especially the Masai Bushwoman. Well done Google.

Hopefully now you are armed with the Gazelle-ish words of "tinted", "blank" and "darker", you can now describe different races by their skin colour with confidence.

Example Sentence:

"Life is a blank sheet of paper, unless you are tinted."

"Geert Wilders is so blank that I can see right through him."

Dushi

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All-tone

Noun: a foreigner, an immigrant or a 2nd or 3rd generation foreigner

As this brilliant Wikipedia page points out, "allochtone" technically refers specifically to all immigrants and their descendants still living in Holland. However, in practical usage, it pretty much refers to foreigners who are brown.

Holland, with its Dutch weather, is traditionally made up of extremely white people. However, the population is caramelising through a combination of Holidays in Spain, and immigrants espeically of Moroccan, Turkish and Antillian descent. I mean, just look at this team photo of the Olympic youth football team.This is the future of Holland. Even the goalkeeper is black! It is like a giant, mutant Oreo.

But for now, until the population pigmentation is evenly mixed, we still need a word to refer to the darker population of Holland. Although the etymology of "allochtone" is innocent and Greek (because ancient Greeks never did anything wrong), to an English speaker it sounds pretty much like a portmanteau of "all" and "tone", which is appropriate: All people with a skin tone. All-tone is such a brilliant word because it separates DNA from nationality, without being racially controversial. It doesn't exclude someone from their nationality. So if you want to be a dick to or about a foreigner without denying them their nationality, here's a convenient word for you. (You're welcome Geert Wilders)


Example Sentence:
"Look, there isn't one Dutch player on our Dutch football team. They are all all-tones"

Becheesed

From Dutch "verkaased"

"kaas" is a doughey, soft, often pourous, fattening, somewhat bland edible substance known in English as "cheese". It is also synonymous with Holland, as Dutch people are known sometimes by the racial slur "kaas-kop" (cheese-head).

Therefore, cheese has come to stand for everything it is to be Dutch. Someone who has been "becheesed", is usually some minority - preferably with brown skin - who is thought to have become completely Dutch, or depending on your perspective, this person may have abandoned their own culture. You know, they speak with a hard "G", they watch ice-skating, and they put mayo on everything. Verkaasd does not have a fixed point. I guess if you extend the metaphor, some people like old cheese, and some prefer younger, softer cheeses like brie. Verkaasd also does not necessarily have a value judgement of good or bad.

Racial integration is a very big issue in almost every country, so it is odd that there is no Engglish word for this. Of course, it would be possible to replace "cheese" with a word that is more appropriate to other countries. Minorities in the US might be "be-hot-dogged", immigrants in Australia cound be "be-barbied", and minorities in England might be "be-tea-bagged". But they all sound like these might be vaguely sexual terms, and it doesn't have the same imagery of a soft, white substance that cheese does. Sometimes, someone who has been becheesed might also be called an "oreo" because it is brown on the outside and white on the inside (although an oreo also refers to a specific type of Ménage à trois)The issue of becheesing has been particularly relevant in the last two years with the question of "is Obama black enough?" Even more recently, an important guy (soorry for the technical language) got into a kerfuffle for noting that Obama spoke without a "negro dialect".

Example Sentence (because people seem to learn things best when all the information is all compressed into a one-word slogan)
Bonus 1: The legend that is George Carlin shows that this was an issue well before Obama, and came very close to providing an English definition in this part of his stand-up, referring to becheesed black people as "openly white".



Bonus 2: The (terrible) movie Undercover Brother shows how the typical becheesing process works

Kramerism

a blunder where one takes the wrong lane, or to go the wrong way
We here at the Gazelle like to be topical, and the only topic in Holland for the last week has been about speed skater, Sven Kramer, getting disqualified at the Winter Olympics in the 10,000 metre speed skating event.

Although the (you)tubenazis are removing almost all footage of this spectacular gaffe, here is a news item which shows some footage:


Basically, his coach kind-of pointed him in the wrong direction, and Sven Kramer took the wrong lane which is an instant disqualification. Now, Sven Kramer is the world champion at this event, was expected to win, and at this stage of the race was several seconds ahead of the leader (a Korean who had just broken the previous Olympic record). In fact, Kramer would easily have set a new World record had he not been disqualified. So, he was pretty bummed, as was the rest of Holland.

I think it is rather brilliant, as it has started a new meme in Holland. For example.


It is also nice to bring the term "Kramerism" back to something more innocent. Because for many people, the word "Kramer" has been kind of ruined since this epic event:



Example sentence:

Old drivers on the highways are always guilty of kramerisms

Visual example of a kramerism:

Belgsch

Ajective/Noun: "Belgian" To most English speakers, the word "Belgian" basically denotes expensive chocolates that girls seem to like. It is not fair, because Belgium has some other, although not many, things going for it, such as being a border nation of Holland, and a low average IQ.

I should explain. It is not that I have anything against Belgium, but I am trying my best to re-intergrate into Holland, and you know what they say about a common enemy. It is like the geeky kid at school who joins in on picking on the new kid who is thankfully even more geeky than myself... I mean, the geek. Who definitely wasn't me.

[...]

Hey, we are supposed to be picking on the Belgsch right now! I wasn't expecting some sort of Spanish inquisition.

The Belgsch are the Dutch's friendly neighbours to the south, and are kind of like what Canada is to America. Then again, Belgium is also France's Canada, so that sucks doubly for them. Maybe the Belgsch can pick on the Luxembourgians or something. Maybe that will give them some self-esteem back.

To the Dutch, the Belgsch are stereotyped as stupid, slow, always repeat themselves, and are stupid. They are always the punchline of the racial jokes you have all over the world, like this one:

"Did you know the Belgian Ministry of Transport has introduced a new sign?
It reads "End of Roundabout""

This stereotype is probably in large part to the Dutch-speaking half of Belgium being such ant fuckers when it comes to the Dutch language. They see themselves as the true keepers of the Dutch language, as if it contained the answers to the holy grail. This is despite the fact that they can't even pronnounce a proper hard "G" sound. This choking-like gutteral utterance (or "gutterance") is the hallmark of the Dutch language. Sure, it sounds like giving a voice to lung-cancer, but at least it doesn't sound Belgsh. This is the reason I prefer to say "Belgsch", which is best pronnounced with a ridiculously exaggerated hard "g". Optimally, it would make other people want to give you the heimlich maneuver half way through saying it. Stick it to them and their soft "G", I say.

As an added, although unintential, bonus, "Belgsch" also sounds like one of my favourite bodily functions. Well, it would definitely be in the top 15. If this adds to the belittling of Belgium, then all the better! I will have done my small part, and been able to more easily pass for one of the (Dutch) guys.


Example sentences:

"I love Belgsch beer"
"What happened to your "G"? Do you have a lisp and a cold, or are you just a Belgsch?"