2nd Christmas

The 26th of December, the Day after Christmas


People love their holidays. Hell, if most people had the choice, they wouldn't work at all. That's why they have to pay you to come to your job. Anyway, Christmas is one of those times of year that most of the people in the world puts aside their personal beliefs and pretends that the imaginary birth-date of an important religio-historical figure entitles them to a couple of days off work. (They also do this to celebrate his death-day also which is often an entire long weekend.)

It is only natural that we would want to stretch out the holiday as much as possible, and many countries do with a holiday on the 26th of December. In many commonweath countries, there is Boxing Day which is sometimes called "Saint Stephen's Day", in South Africa it is called the Day of Goodwill, and a bunch of other countries have their own names for what is essentially takaing advantage of the Christian Tradition. (He also died for our public holidays apparently.) However, why don't we cut the crap a little bit and stop pretending that the 26th of December is a day for "goodwill" or for cleaning up the empty boxes or whatever the lame explanation for that name is? It is just a holiday to stretch out Christmas, hence, the 2nd Christmas.

This is apparently a term used all across Europe, but it still expresses perfectly the Gazellish concept. For what is better than not having to go to work for another day?

The use of 2nd Christmas should not be confused with Two Turtle Doves, from the song 12 Days of Christmas. However, in many countries if the 2nd Christmas falls on a Sunday, then the Monday then becomes a rare "Third Christmas", such as this year. Yes, 2010 is the year of triple unproductivity, and increasied opportunity to spend money on stuff you don't want to give, and stuff you shouldn't eat. Anything other than work. The phenomenom of the 3rd Chrismas may also be replicated when Christmas day falls on a Friday, leaving the Sunday as a day of rest from two days of rest.

Either way, wherever you are and whatever you happen to be doing and however you choose to celebrate, may the Gazelle be with you. Even if you happen to be working, because extra pay can be gazelle-ish too.


Example Sentence:

If you feel a little wrong about celebrating a 2nd Christmas, just celebrate the birthday of Mao Tse-tung. It's all the same.

Smink

Verb: to paint one's face - often painting it black
In this week's special Saint Nicholas-themed edition, we learn about sminking. Now, some people may cringe at the similarities with black face minstrels, but you need to understand the cultural context in Holland. Holland is a tolerant country. Even our minorities and our racists are tolerant. Likewise we are tolerant of minories and racists. So that means there can't be any racism... I think.

Anyway, around this time of year you often see people in black-face and pantaloons running around the city. They have 'schmink' ed themselves, to look like Zwarte Piet, who are basically what the elves are to Santa. Here are a couple of photos to give you an idea. And here is a what google images shows us.




(Okay, these guys at Carnival aren't Zwarte Piets, but they have obviously reused their zwarte piet costumes. This only further shows the tolerance of sminking.)

To show you the difference between blackface and sminking for St. Nick, take a look at the following example. I have taken a completely innocent subject, made him racist, and then made it okay again.



The history of Zwarte Piets is probably to do with slavery or the devil, but over time as values changed, Dutch people have changed the story (rather than the tradition), and now they are seen more as elves and helpers who like to play with kids and hand out candy. So, who can complain with that.

I was once working a random job with a female who happened to be black. We were sitting down outside a supermarket taking a small break when a woman and her young daughter stopped at our bench to pack their groceries. The little girl looked up at my colleague and asked "Are you Zwarte Piet?"
You would think this is awkward, but this must be a very common occurence for black people in Holland. I guess they are tolerant?

In the true spirit of Saint Nicholas, I have written a poem about Zwarte Piets and sminking.


Saint Nicholas is kind of like a modern-day Robin Hood
He gives presents only to the children who have been good
So to find the nice children he has to leave the country of Spain
And takes the boat over to the land of snow, sleet and rain

But it he can't do this all by himself
He has always had 'Zwarte Piet' to lend him some help
In the olden days he used some North African Moors
But that would be racist, so he doesn't do that anymore

Instead, white people all over holland avoid such a disgrace
And they take out black shoe polish and put on black-face
Then we tell the children that Piet is covered with soot from the chimney
That means that their skin is not black - it's just dirty

So the for the weeks around december racism is completely solved, I think
All thanks the the power of smink


And really, this is the most magical time of the year. While Christmas is a big holiday like everywhere else, Saint Nicholas Day is truly our own. It's much more than about presents, it's about gazellishness and of course the sweets and baked goods that are so very Dutch. It is the most gazellish time of the year, smink or no smink.

Tinted

Adjective: A person of colour

Dutch people are famously tolerant. We are so tolerant that other countries can kiss our collective tolerant asses. We are so tolerant that not even blackface is offensive. This is because Dutch people do not judge people by the colour of their skin, because they do not see colour.

They do however, see "tint". This is a much more convenient way to discerning the implications of someone's race. It is as if you could place a greyscale next to anybody's skin, and it would give you a scientifically verifiable level of tint. Because sometimes if you see things in colour, things can get very confusing. For example, some Asians are more tinted than North Africans and some West Europeans have more tint than half-bloods. And how do you even start to comprehend half-bloods?



It is said that race is not something you choose, but history has shown that oftentimes, it clearly is. For example, in common convention, a half-black person is still black. Hell, in New Zealand, a 1/16 Maori is still a Maori, if they choose to be. While this has many great advantages, such as an awesome rugby team, it does lead to all types of complications, the first of which is, you often cannot describe someone by their skin colour because that would be racial. This problem could be solved by using the Dutch language as a guide, and we could forever stop judging people by the colour of their skin. We can judge them by the tint of their skin. Prob-lem solved.

Try the tint-test yourself. How high up on the scale are you?

Take current-day Holland, for example. Holland is so not-racist that the third-largest political party is a one-man party for a guy who goes by the name of G. Wilders. By other counts he might now be the most popular political party.


It is not this Wilder, but they are both a one-man party and probably equally fun to party with.

This politician G. Wilder is currently under the process of going through a court trial filed against him for hate-speech against Muslims, by which he obviously means Turkish and Moroccans. If so much can get behind this man and his words, it is a symbol of how far Holland has come in terms of tolerance. In fact, Holland has gone beyond tolerance. We have learned to see the world not just in black-and-white, but in all the tints in between.


Example Sentence:

"I fall for tinted boys/girls" (This is a very common expression to say that if you had the choice, you would prefer to have sex with someone who has some skin tint.)

Zuh

a suffix after a regular verb, to encourage the person to perform the action to their absolute best


Okay, the above definition is a little messy. I think it may be useful to give the most common example.
When I first began working for a temping agency in Holland, I got my first assignment. The cute girl at the counter (with whom I shared a birthday with) was extremely friendly and helpful, and I thanked her for the job which I badly needed. As I began walking away, she called out "Werk Ze!".

I was confused. Did she just call out to me "work it!", like horny females call out at strip clubs on ladies' night? I turned around, slightly confused but complimented. But she just said "werk ze" again, leaving me leaving confused.

Over the next few weeks of work, I kept hearing the phrase "werk ze", and it became obvious that it wasn't some kind of wolf whistle. I mean, I know I don't warrant that much femular attention, and it became a little unnerving when old ladies, and men called it out.

It turns out this is a phrase that means "Do your best" or "Keep up the good work" or "Work hard" (or more accurately, in a freer transaltion: "Don't work too hard"). It is such a simple, efficient phrase, and what I love about it the most is that strangers often say this to each other. I especially heard this when I was working the late shift, and the customer felt sympathy for the crappy work I was doing. It is a simple and nice gesture, one that actually helps make you feel better despite the crappy work. I think the English language could use such a friendly phrase, because it sounds demeaning telling a stranger to "work hard".

Although work-zuh is really the only common use for zuh, I learnt that it is possible to say it with other verbs. The main other occasion that I am aware of is when serving food to customers. "Eat-zuh" can be said instead of the regular "eet smakelijk", although I found it is less polite and wouldn't say it to old people. Maybe I am ageist. Perhaps the nuance is when someone is about to get stuck into a large portion, and they would need to eat to their utmost ability to finish it.

After the revelation of the suffix "zuh", I began to use this in my everyday English conversations to ridiculous effect.

• Instead of 'goodnight' I would say 'sleep-zuh'
• Instead of 'study hard' it would be 'study-zuh'
• When someone was going to the supermarket, I'd tell them 'shop-zuh'
• If someone was about to go out to a party, it'd be 'drink-zuh'

I am sure you could come up with some much more inappropriate ones like I have. Basically, it is a way to tell someone to succeed at, and enjoy whatever they might be doing. And this can never be a bad thing.

Example Sentences
Let's make a quick quiz to see if you can make your own "zuh" words from these pictures. Choose from the multi-choice options. (Note: there are probably no wrong answers.)

A) Act-zuh
B) Botox-zuh
C) Adopt-zuh

A) Drill-zuh
B) Spill-zuh
C) Clean-zuh
A) Swing-zuh
B) Drill zuh
C) Spill-zuh
D) Apologise-zuh

Way-kah

Noun: The Football World Cup

Way-kah is the Dutch pronounciation of WK, which stands for Wereld Kampionschap (World champoinship). In Dutch it would sound very strange to say "cup", as this usually refers to single portions of salad dressing, or bra sizes. Being a football country, there is never any doubt as to which sport this Way-kah concerns. This is ingrained into Dutch youth, no matter where in the world they are raised. The contraction is necessary because it reduces the amount of syllables from six, to just two. And considering how often the Dutch talk about the World Cup, this contraction probably adds a few percentage points to the GDP.

In English, "World Cup", contains only two syllables, so a contraction is hardly necessary, not to mention that the contraction would then be "WC" which has four syllables and is the place where you defecate. However, other than in England, saying "the World Cup" wouldn't always refer to football (or the blasphemous word "soccer"... urgh.) This could refer to hundreds of different sports, all trying to cash in on the World Cup name. Just take a look at this list. Some of these sports are even made-up sports. I mean, what the hell is "bandying"? And no, I will not give "bandying" the dignity to take 3 seconds out of my life to wikipedia it. It's the principle of the matter. Because as much as I love a few other sports, only football has the potential to be a true world-sport. Even the bigger sports such as baseball, rugby and basketball have a very limited amount of countries who even stand a chance.

Therefore, a single word to refer to the football world cup is probably a good idea. Of course, this would only be temporary, until there is no doubt in any English-speaking country that there is only one World Cup, and that is for football. Because you know it is coming. So, in times of doubt, refer to it in its Dutch. The way-kah. It will be especially relevant if we are the winners this year.

Example Sentence: "The Brazilians had a big wah at the way-kah."

Bonus: Way-kah might be even easier to remember thanks to Shakira's annoying Waka-Waka song. In her wierd Cher-like voice, she almost even pronounces "Waka" similar to "way-kah".


(Although annoying as this Shakira song is, it is a thousand times better than the annoying official FIFA song, whose lyrics are "wooo-yo-oh-ye-oh" and "Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag Wave your flag" Seriouslt, these lyrics are as annoying, repetitive and ADD as the goddamn vuvuzela. Thank you Africa.)

Bonus number two:
Here are some images of the way-kah crazyness in Holland right now. There is no doubt here as to which sport the WK belongs to. I mean it is "the" World Cup, not "a" World Cup.
You would think that this is a shop that sells orange things. No, this is a bank.
Paint it Orange.


Part of the FIFA goal this Way-kah, as shown before the anthems, is the campaign "Say no to Racism"... Unless it is against the Japanese. (Or, say "yes to Nationalizm!")

You would think that these are just some drunken fans, but they are in fact our Prime Minister and his husband.

And here is another photo of our Prime Minister and his husband. Hup Holland!

All-tone

Noun: a foreigner, an immigrant or a 2nd or 3rd generation foreigner

As this brilliant Wikipedia page points out, "allochtone" technically refers specifically to all immigrants and their descendants still living in Holland. However, in practical usage, it pretty much refers to foreigners who are brown.

Holland, with its Dutch weather, is traditionally made up of extremely white people. However, the population is caramelising through a combination of Holidays in Spain, and immigrants espeically of Moroccan, Turkish and Antillian descent. I mean, just look at this team photo of the Olympic youth football team.This is the future of Holland. Even the goalkeeper is black! It is like a giant, mutant Oreo.

But for now, until the population pigmentation is evenly mixed, we still need a word to refer to the darker population of Holland. Although the etymology of "allochtone" is innocent and Greek (because ancient Greeks never did anything wrong), to an English speaker it sounds pretty much like a portmanteau of "all" and "tone", which is appropriate: All people with a skin tone. All-tone is such a brilliant word because it separates DNA from nationality, without being racially controversial. It doesn't exclude someone from their nationality. So if you want to be a dick to or about a foreigner without denying them their nationality, here's a convenient word for you. (You're welcome Geert Wilders)


Example Sentence:
"Look, there isn't one Dutch player on our Dutch football team. They are all all-tones"

Freedom

verb: to have sex

Sure, there are already several words and phrases to mean having sex, for example:

           a bit of jam                    action
              ball                            ballock
              boloney ride                    bananas and cream
              bang                            basket making
              batter                          beef
              beef injection                  be in a woman's beef
              belly ride                      belt
              blanket drill                   blow off the loose corns
              board                           boff
              bone                            bore
              bottle                          bounce
              bump                            bump fur
              bunny stick                     burry one's wick
              bury the bone                   bush patrol
              buzz the brillo                 cane
              change one's luck               charge
              chuck a tread                   climb
              cock up                         come across
              couple with                     cover
              crack it                        cram
              crawl                           cream
              cut                             dance the mattress jig
              daub of the brush               dick
              dicky dunk                      diddle
              dig your stinger in the honey   dip your stick
              dip your wick                   dirty work at the crossroads
              do                              do a dive in the dark
              do a flop                       do a push
              do a slide up the board         dog
              do it                           do the deed
              do the nasty                    ease nature
              exchange spit                   feather-bed jig
              feed the dummy                  fiddle
              firk                            fit end to end
              fix her plumbing                flesh session
              flop                            flop in the hay
              four-legged frolic              frig
              fuck                            fun and games
              get a bit                       get a chunk
              get a crumpet                   get a hunk
              get a little                    get a piece
              get a snipper                   get a wet one
              get home                        get in
              get into her pants              get into some serious flesh
              get it on                       get jack in the orchard
              get laid                        get lucky
              get one's ashes hauled          get one's greens
              get one's leather stretched     get one's noodle wet
              get one's oil changed           get some
              get some action                 get some ass
              get some crack                  get some hair
              get some hole                   get some pussy
              get some stuff                  get some tail
              get some tweeze                 get your bean waxed
              get your pole varnished         give her a stab
              go all the way                  go like a belt-fed motor
              go to bed with                  go to it
              go to town                      go vaulting
              grease the wheel                grind
              grind on'e tool                 hanky-panky
              have                            have a bit
              have a bit of giblet pie        have a bit of summer cabbage
              have a blow through             have sex with
              hide the ferret                 hide the salami
              hit on the tail                 hock
              hop on                          horizontal refreshment
              hose                            hot roll with cream
              hump                            impale
              introduce charlie               invade
              irish whist                     jazz
              jink                            job
              join paunches                   jounce
              joy ride                        jug
              juke                            jump
              jump on one's bones             knock
              knock off a piece               know
              ladies' tailoring               lay
              lay off with                    lay some pipe
              lay the hip                     lay some leg
              leap                            leap on
              lie                             lie with
              lob in                          love
              make                            make feet for childrens shoes
              make it                         make love
              make out with                   make the scene
              making babies                   makin' whoopie
              mate                            mess around
              mingle limbs                    mix one's peanut butter
              mount                           mugg
              muss                            nail
              mail two bellies together       nick
              nib                             nig
              nub                             nut
              oblige                          off
              park your yacht in the hair harbor
              peel one's best end             peg
              perform                         pestle
              piece                           piece of ass
              piece of pussy                  piece of snatch
              piece of tail                   pile
              pile-driving                    pin
              plant the oats                  play at all fours
              play hide the bone              plow
              pluck                           plug
              pocket the red                  poke
              pole                            pole work
              polish your rocket              pop
              pork                            post a letter
              pound                           pump
              punch                           push
              put the boots to                put the tool in the shed
              quimsticking                    ram
              ride                            rip off
              rites of venus                  roasting the broomstick
              roll                            roll in the hay
              rock                            rod
              roger                           romp
              root                            rootle
              roust                           rub bacons
              rub up                          rumble
              rumple                          rutting
              salt                            saw off a chunk
              score                           screw
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up crew
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up
              shaft                           shag
              shake                           shake the sheets
              shoot between wind and water    shoot one's wad
              short arm practice              shove
              shtup                           sink the sausage
              sink the soldier                slam
              sleep with                      slip her a length
              slip into                       split
              spoil                           suattin' on the hog
              squat jumps in the cucumber patch
              squeeze and a squirt            stab
              stable my naggie                strop one's beak
              strum                           stuff
              swing                           tail-work
              take a turn in the stubble      take a turn on shooter's hill
              tear off a piece                tear the sheets
              the disappearing cane trick     the matrimonial polka
              thread                          thread the needle
              throw a hump                    throw a leg over
              throw a shot                    thump
              tie the true lover's knot       tiff
              tip the long one                to be intimate
              tooling in the woods            tops and bottoms
              trim                            trim the buff
              trip up the rhine               tumble
              tumple                          turn up
              twiddle                         varnish one's cane
              vault                           vitamin F
              wap                             wham
              what mother did before me       wind the clock
              womanize                        work
              work out                        work the dumb oracle
              work the hairy oracle           yard
              yentz

But as they say, we can never have too many words for fornication. Well, I don't know if anyone has ever said that. Surely. At least I just said it, not that it counts for much. So let us look to the Dutch language to add another entry to this hallowed list.

"Vrijen" possibly had a more innocent meaning in the distant past 'to court or woo', but it basically means the same thing as the list above. However, the root of the word (vrij) means 'free'. Little wonder that the hippie culture caught on in Holland, when making love was etymologically the same as 'making freedom'. And all this while we just presumed that it was the availabilty of herbal cigarettes. No, those Dutch hippies were smoking more than just joints. They were playing with more than just hackey-sacks. They were giving more than just their middle finger to society... if you get my drift.

Recently in Holland, like in some other certain nations, the word "freedom" is under attack by conservatism, which is pretty much contradictory if you think about it (which is perhaps why they usually avoid thinking about it.) Next week is the national election in Holland, and among the leading parties is PVV, "The Party of the Freedom" and it's supposedly charismatic leader Geert "I look like a Jane Austin character" Wilders. Now, I don't like to get political, although the Gazelle also aims to stay topical. Mostly I appreciate politics for comedic purposes such as Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and even Monty Python.

However, you just have to hate a politician whose platform for running for governmental power is "More safety, less immigration." Yeesh. That isn't the Hippy Holland that we have come to know and expect. So, in the tradition of true Dutch freedom meaning the same thing as 'fucking', I can say to Geert Wilders and his Party of Freedom, "get fucked". And maybe one day we can all make sweet sweet freedom together.

Example sentence:



Or, choose a favourite quote from this list.

Kring

Noun: a group of people sitting in a circular formation

If that above description sounds like fun to you, chances are, you're Dutch. Dutch people love nothing better than to sit in circular formations.

For non-Dutch people, sitting in circles was probably something you last did intentionally when you were in pre-school, but in Holland, krings are for all ages. It is considered by many to be the epitomy of gazellish-ness. Yes, the Dutch like structure so much that even Gazelles are penned up.
A visual representation of a gazellish kring

The most common site for a kring is at a Dutch party. In the centre there will usually be a table to place your coffee mug or beer. Also there will be biscuits or cake, of which you can take one. Yes, just one. It is considered bad manners to take a 2nd, unless offered.

As the party goes on, any new guests will quickly be enveloped into the kring. Chairs will be brought from other rooms, the garden or the neighbour's place to ensure that this happens. No-one is excluded from the kring. It is like a giant, ever-expanding superorganism. It cannot be stopped. Everyone is sucked in. It is a social black-hole.

This is why, under the gazellish veneer, I suspect something is afoot with the phenomenom of the kring. "Kring" sounds like such a stifling word, and I suspect it might have it's more sinister side. Compare the next two images.

Yes, the 2nd image is of a seance. When you think about it, there really isn't so much difference. So, my advice to Dutch people is: try not to think about it. Especially since this Sunday is Mother's Day. Sure, she may expect flowers or a phonecall, but all the Dutch mother really wants is you to be in her kring on this special day.


Example sentence:

"Come, join us. Join our kring. We won't hurt you. Join us. You know you want to."

Dutch Champaign

Noun: A cocktail containing extremely cheap wine and supermarket-brand soda

There is a wealth of slang in the English language that begins with the word "Dutch", most of which is negative. The reason for this, according to Wikipedia, is because of an age-old rivalry with Holland and England. Basically, the English are dicks. Well, I am loosely paraphrasing Wikipedia, who says:

"English rivalry with the Netherlands especially during the period of the Anglo-Dutch Wars gave rise to several phrases including Dutch that promote certain negative stereotypes. Examples include Dutch courage, Dutch uncle and Dutch wife."

The slang words using Dutch have since been extended considerably in popular usage, usually concerning marijuana, sex or flatulence, and often a combination of all three. Browse this Urban Dictionary list with caution and patience.

However, the word Dutch often - deservedly or not - still holds the main connotation of cheapness. Whether this is true, I will not comment. I will say that the same stereotype applies to the Scottish (You can tell you have gone from England into Scotland when you see toilet paper hanging out to dry). And let's not ignore the lengendary cheapness of the Chinese (... stereotype) .

Personally, I am very Dutch in this sense, but that could well be a result from my drawn-out student life-style. Another part of this lifestyle is drinking. My "Drunkenomics" are lengendary in being able to maximise fun with minimum asking-parents-for-money.

For this, I invented Dutch Champaign. Basically, you buy the cheapest possible bottle of wine available. You know, stuff with a rubber cork. More preferably, get wine that comes in a carton labelled only "wine" in bold letters. Try to get the stuff that you might also be able to use to unclog your shower. It doesn't matter how nasty it tastes, because of the 2nd ingredient :a bottle of generic brand soda. It also costs next to nothing, and mixed together with the wine, it tastes like mummified sugar. For all you know, it resembles something that might be suitable for human consumption.Sure, this might sound disgusting and ridiculous, but it would still taste better than a real Dutch Champaign, if any Dutch person were stupid enough to try make it. Unfortunately, this post comes a few days late for the biggest party in Holland, Queen's day, but rest assured, that with just a few euro you too can celebrate being Dutch any time of the year.

Example sentence: "Do you want to go Dutch on some Dutch Champaign? I'll get the soda, and you get the wine."


Extra tips:

1. Drink from a large plastic cup
   
2. Drink while in the shower
3. Wear a helmet

This guy is enjoying his Dutch Champaign.

Kramerism

a blunder where one takes the wrong lane, or to go the wrong way
We here at the Gazelle like to be topical, and the only topic in Holland for the last week has been about speed skater, Sven Kramer, getting disqualified at the Winter Olympics in the 10,000 metre speed skating event.

Although the (you)tubenazis are removing almost all footage of this spectacular gaffe, here is a news item which shows some footage:


Basically, his coach kind-of pointed him in the wrong direction, and Sven Kramer took the wrong lane which is an instant disqualification. Now, Sven Kramer is the world champion at this event, was expected to win, and at this stage of the race was several seconds ahead of the leader (a Korean who had just broken the previous Olympic record). In fact, Kramer would easily have set a new World record had he not been disqualified. So, he was pretty bummed, as was the rest of Holland.

I think it is rather brilliant, as it has started a new meme in Holland. For example.


It is also nice to bring the term "Kramerism" back to something more innocent. Because for many people, the word "Kramer" has been kind of ruined since this epic event:



Example sentence:

Old drivers on the highways are always guilty of kramerisms

Visual example of a kramerism: