Beffing

Verb: to give oral sex to a female

Last week the Gazelle tackled the subject of piping, and in the spirit of democracy and gender equality, this week's gazelle word is to please the female readers. (Just to shut up the feminists for a few minutes). Because nothing could be more gazelle-ish.

Like last week's word which concerned "fellatio", this topic is difficult to describe without being overly medical, or overly crude, or overly vague. Sexual health brochures will probably talk about "cunnilingus", and in more casual conversation people might use the phrase "giving head". However, since that is gender non-specific, people who are homophobes often prefer to avoid that term. And if you want to delve into the world of euphamism, take your pick:
(as usual, this list is but a small portion from George Carlin's incomplete list of impolite words (longer audio version here))

• barking at the ape
• bird-washing
• blow-job
• box lunch
• bush dinner
• cuntino fillet with white sauce
• cunt lapping
• dive a muff
• eating at the "Y"
• eating pussy
• eating out
• egg mcmuff
• face job
• french job
• french tricks
• furburger
• give face
• give head
• go down on
• go south
• go under the house
• hair pie
• head job
• larking
• lickety split
• moustache ride
• muff barking
• muff dive
• mumbling in the moss
• pearl diving
• playing in the sandbox
• sea food dinner
• shrimping
• sit on one's face
• smokin' in the fur
• sneeze in the basket
• sneeze in the cabbage
• talking to the boat people
• talking to the canoe driver
• telephone the stomach
• tongue-fuck
• tuna taco
• whistle in the dark
• whistling in the weeds
• yodeling in the gully

The Dutch word "beffen" strikes a nice middle-ground between being just polite enough to say around females, crude enough to still be sexy, funny enough to say around your friends, and it's not just another euphamism which someone might not quite understand. "Beffen" has been entered into the Urban Dictionary as is, but why not simply incorporate this into the English language and make it into a proper verb? It would solve a lot of confusion, and with this topic, confusion is the last thing you want to incite.


Example Sentence:

"I wan't to use the word "beffing" in its non-continuous verb-form: "he befs", "she befs", but I am afraid I won't be able to do it tastefully... I guess I just didn't."

"Tom Selleck didn't always have a moustache. It happened in a tragic beffing accident."


*by the way, how hilarious is "yodeling in the gully?".
Answer: very.

Piping

verb: to give oral sex/fellatio on the male set of genetalia, blow-job, to suck a dick


The English language has long struggled with the description of this act. "Blow-job" is at best an an inaccurate description, and at worst, extremely misleading for first-time practitioners. "Suck a dick" is much more accurate, although it is very in-your-face (although I guess that is also the point of the excercise). "Fellatio" is a good scrabble word, but otherwise useless. And "oral sex" is only ever used by health professionals after the words "Always use a condom even when performing...".

So we clearly need a new word.* The Dutch word "Pijpen" strikes a nice balance, being direct and descriptive, without being overly crude. It also is also vague enough to allow personal creativity among practioners to add their own flair. The word presumably originates from the word "pipe", although I was unable to discover whether it originates from this type of pipe:
Or this pipe:

Maybe this Piper:



Or it could also quite possibly be this piper:

Actually, the last piper is so funny, here is another one for shits and giggles.Either way, it is probably best to use your imagination. Or not.


Example Sentences:

"Chris Rock is a big fan of piping"

"She is piping hot, and she pipes"

"Mario and Luigi are experts in piping, and they also make house-calls"



*Note

There are, of course, many other words and phrases for piping. I just hope someday piping gets added to George Carlin's list of impolite words. The "fellatio" section includes:

B.J. blow, blow job, blow the whistle, bone-lipper chew it, cop a doodle, cop a stem, drop on it, eat dick, fluting, french job, french way, get a facial, give face, give head, give pearls, gobble, gobble the goop, go down, go down for a whomp, go down on, gum a root, gunch, head job, hum a tune, hum job, hummer, inhale the oyster, knob job, lay some lip, mouth fuck, munch, open wide for chunky, pipe job, piston job, play a tune, polish the chrome, polish the knob, serve head, slob the knob, smoke a dick, smoke the white owl, suck a bondini, suck dick, suck off, suck the sugar-stick, sucky-fucky, swallow a sword, swing on it, tongue job, worship at the altar, wring it dry

Dakless

Noun: a homeless person

In Dutch, the word "dakloos" is used to refer to homeless people. "Dak" meaning roof, and "loos" being the suffix meaning "without" (We saw this earlier in the Gazelle with "nutless").

There are a couple of reasons why I think this word is much more appropriate than the English "homeless".

Firstly, "home" is such a subjective word. One's home generally suggests a place where you feel at ease, whether it is a country, a town, or a building where all your stuff is. "Home" is one of those words that are a direct result of the bullshitting PC generation. A home is much easier to sell to people, it sounds nicer. But people don't live in "homes", they live in houses. A "home" is supposed to be comfortable, suggesting there is an excited dog, an obedient housewife, and a hot pie on the windowsill waiting for you. But this is just bullshit. You can do whatever you want with a house. Homeless people don't need a home, they just need a roof over their head. So, why don't we call them "houseless"?

This is how the comic legend George Carlin put it. (He then goes on to give a solution for homelessness)



Secondly, and the reason it should be called "dakless-ness", is because "daks" is a colloquial word meaning "trousers". It is most commonly used in the old English Dominions of Australia and New Zealand. Now, if one is dakless, you know they have some serious financial trouble and aren't just lazy.

Thirdly, yours truly is a recent dakless person and I want to raise awareness of this plight before my internet capabilities are gone. So before, I start growing my beard, cutting the fingers off my gloves, stealing a shopping cart, peeing in my underdaks and making funny signs, remember that it is not a home I want. I just want a roof above my head.

Example Sentence:

"Tell your children to avoid the dakless"

Freedom

verb: to have sex

Sure, there are already several words and phrases to mean having sex, for example:

           a bit of jam                    action
              ball                            ballock
              boloney ride                    bananas and cream
              bang                            basket making
              batter                          beef
              beef injection                  be in a woman's beef
              belly ride                      belt
              blanket drill                   blow off the loose corns
              board                           boff
              bone                            bore
              bottle                          bounce
              bump                            bump fur
              bunny stick                     burry one's wick
              bury the bone                   bush patrol
              buzz the brillo                 cane
              change one's luck               charge
              chuck a tread                   climb
              cock up                         come across
              couple with                     cover
              crack it                        cram
              crawl                           cream
              cut                             dance the mattress jig
              daub of the brush               dick
              dicky dunk                      diddle
              dig your stinger in the honey   dip your stick
              dip your wick                   dirty work at the crossroads
              do                              do a dive in the dark
              do a flop                       do a push
              do a slide up the board         dog
              do it                           do the deed
              do the nasty                    ease nature
              exchange spit                   feather-bed jig
              feed the dummy                  fiddle
              firk                            fit end to end
              fix her plumbing                flesh session
              flop                            flop in the hay
              four-legged frolic              frig
              fuck                            fun and games
              get a bit                       get a chunk
              get a crumpet                   get a hunk
              get a little                    get a piece
              get a snipper                   get a wet one
              get home                        get in
              get into her pants              get into some serious flesh
              get it on                       get jack in the orchard
              get laid                        get lucky
              get one's ashes hauled          get one's greens
              get one's leather stretched     get one's noodle wet
              get one's oil changed           get some
              get some action                 get some ass
              get some crack                  get some hair
              get some hole                   get some pussy
              get some stuff                  get some tail
              get some tweeze                 get your bean waxed
              get your pole varnished         give her a stab
              go all the way                  go like a belt-fed motor
              go to bed with                  go to it
              go to town                      go vaulting
              grease the wheel                grind
              grind on'e tool                 hanky-panky
              have                            have a bit
              have a bit of giblet pie        have a bit of summer cabbage
              have a blow through             have sex with
              hide the ferret                 hide the salami
              hit on the tail                 hock
              hop on                          horizontal refreshment
              hose                            hot roll with cream
              hump                            impale
              introduce charlie               invade
              irish whist                     jazz
              jink                            job
              join paunches                   jounce
              joy ride                        jug
              juke                            jump
              jump on one's bones             knock
              knock off a piece               know
              ladies' tailoring               lay
              lay off with                    lay some pipe
              lay the hip                     lay some leg
              leap                            leap on
              lie                             lie with
              lob in                          love
              make                            make feet for childrens shoes
              make it                         make love
              make out with                   make the scene
              making babies                   makin' whoopie
              mate                            mess around
              mingle limbs                    mix one's peanut butter
              mount                           mugg
              muss                            nail
              mail two bellies together       nick
              nib                             nig
              nub                             nut
              oblige                          off
              park your yacht in the hair harbor
              peel one's best end             peg
              perform                         pestle
              piece                           piece of ass
              piece of pussy                  piece of snatch
              piece of tail                   pile
              pile-driving                    pin
              plant the oats                  play at all fours
              play hide the bone              plow
              pluck                           plug
              pocket the red                  poke
              pole                            pole work
              polish your rocket              pop
              pork                            post a letter
              pound                           pump
              punch                           push
              put the boots to                put the tool in the shed
              quimsticking                    ram
              ride                            rip off
              rites of venus                  roasting the broomstick
              roll                            roll in the hay
              rock                            rod
              roger                           romp
              root                            rootle
              roust                           rub bacons
              rub up                          rumble
              rumple                          rutting
              salt                            saw off a chunk
              score                           screw
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up crew
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up
              shaft                           shag
              shake                           shake the sheets
              shoot between wind and water    shoot one's wad
              short arm practice              shove
              shtup                           sink the sausage
              sink the soldier                slam
              sleep with                      slip her a length
              slip into                       split
              spoil                           suattin' on the hog
              squat jumps in the cucumber patch
              squeeze and a squirt            stab
              stable my naggie                strop one's beak
              strum                           stuff
              swing                           tail-work
              take a turn in the stubble      take a turn on shooter's hill
              tear off a piece                tear the sheets
              the disappearing cane trick     the matrimonial polka
              thread                          thread the needle
              throw a hump                    throw a leg over
              throw a shot                    thump
              tie the true lover's knot       tiff
              tip the long one                to be intimate
              tooling in the woods            tops and bottoms
              trim                            trim the buff
              trip up the rhine               tumble
              tumple                          turn up
              twiddle                         varnish one's cane
              vault                           vitamin F
              wap                             wham
              what mother did before me       wind the clock
              womanize                        work
              work out                        work the dumb oracle
              work the hairy oracle           yard
              yentz

But as they say, we can never have too many words for fornication. Well, I don't know if anyone has ever said that. Surely. At least I just said it, not that it counts for much. So let us look to the Dutch language to add another entry to this hallowed list.

"Vrijen" possibly had a more innocent meaning in the distant past 'to court or woo', but it basically means the same thing as the list above. However, the root of the word (vrij) means 'free'. Little wonder that the hippie culture caught on in Holland, when making love was etymologically the same as 'making freedom'. And all this while we just presumed that it was the availabilty of herbal cigarettes. No, those Dutch hippies were smoking more than just joints. They were playing with more than just hackey-sacks. They were giving more than just their middle finger to society... if you get my drift.

Recently in Holland, like in some other certain nations, the word "freedom" is under attack by conservatism, which is pretty much contradictory if you think about it (which is perhaps why they usually avoid thinking about it.) Next week is the national election in Holland, and among the leading parties is PVV, "The Party of the Freedom" and it's supposedly charismatic leader Geert "I look like a Jane Austin character" Wilders. Now, I don't like to get political, although the Gazelle also aims to stay topical. Mostly I appreciate politics for comedic purposes such as Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and even Monty Python.

However, you just have to hate a politician whose platform for running for governmental power is "More safety, less immigration." Yeesh. That isn't the Hippy Holland that we have come to know and expect. So, in the tradition of true Dutch freedom meaning the same thing as 'fucking', I can say to Geert Wilders and his Party of Freedom, "get fucked". And maybe one day we can all make sweet sweet freedom together.

Example sentence:



Or, choose a favourite quote from this list.

Effen

Adjective: "for a moment"

As the great/late George Carlin once said, swearwords are the "spice of language". Unfortunately for the English language, he pointed out that there are only 7 words you can't say on television. Then there is a considerably more extensive list of "impolite words":


Then, there are also the words that sounds like swearwords but they aren't, and so are fun to just insert into casual situation. "Effen" fits into this third category. In Dutch it basically means "for a moment", and it easily traverses the language barrier into an English sentence for added spice (and a Spice that you can have on public TV). At first hear, one may think it might be a christianified swearword version of "fucking" (like "gosh-darn-it" instead of the classic "god-damn-it"), and thus it helps emphasise the urgency of the statment. Let's get straight into an extended section of example sentences. Hopefully you too will see the gazelle-ish possibilities of creating your own and expanding the spicyness of your everyday language.

Example Sentences:

"Could you effen come here?"

"Effen leave me alone. I just want to finish this game of Solitaire."

Telephone salesman: "Do you have an effen moment for me to try and screw you?"
An irritated person: "No, I am effen busy. Effen eff off."