Muts

Noun (singular): A dumb person, especially in reference to a woman, a bimbo.

A 'muts' in Dutch is a soft hat of any shape. Usually this refers to a beanie of some sort, but can include santa hats, the coonskin Davy Crockett, Soviet Cossacks AKA "The Loser" and even soft hats with a peak, ala "the Gavin DeGraw". There are many types of mutses.

However, muts is also used as an insult after somebody does something dumb. This may be in reference to this type of hat often covering the eyes and ears, or I might just have a vivid imagination and pulled that similarity out of my ass. Muts is often preceeded by "dumb", as in "My word, you are a dumb muts." This is perfect, because it sounds so much like the english insult 'dumb mutt', so it should effortlessly be able to infiltrate the English language.

Who can forget the iconic car, Mutt Cutts, from the movie Dumb and Dumber?

A further nuance of muts is that it often refers to women (perhaps as a vague reference to their downstairs genitalia). In this way, a good translation might be 'bimbo'. However, as the 76th Episode of Seinfeld astutely remarked, men are capable of being bimbo's too - or as Jerry said: "A Mimbo". Bill Maher also said something similar about Sarah Palin and George Bush, which can be seen here.



Okay, are the feminists gone? Thank goodness. Now let's take a look at possibly the biggest dumb muts in recent history: Miss South Carolina.



The great thing about using the word muts in English is that not only does it already makes sense to us because of the similarity with 'mutt', but also it makes it possible for someone to be a stupid bitch and a dumb muts at the same time. And we can never have too many animal-related insults.

While I am unsure of the exactly history of this insult, it was definitely this advertisement which really gave the word muts a wide exposure in the Netherlands. In it we see a woman checking her boyfriend/husband's phone and reads out a text messages from a woman who wrote "till over my ears". His defense was that she has a really big muts, with those flaps, that go over the ears. Yeah, I don't really get it either, but I appreciate any effort for widespread innuendo.



Example sentences:

"These people are dumb mutses."

Beffing

Verb: to give oral sex to a female

Last week the Gazelle tackled the subject of piping, and in the spirit of democracy and gender equality, this week's gazelle word is to please the female readers. (Just to shut up the feminists for a few minutes). Because nothing could be more gazelle-ish.

Like last week's word which concerned "fellatio", this topic is difficult to describe without being overly medical, or overly crude, or overly vague. Sexual health brochures will probably talk about "cunnilingus", and in more casual conversation people might use the phrase "giving head". However, since that is gender non-specific, people who are homophobes often prefer to avoid that term. And if you want to delve into the world of euphamism, take your pick:
(as usual, this list is but a small portion from George Carlin's incomplete list of impolite words (longer audio version here))

• barking at the ape
• bird-washing
• blow-job
• box lunch
• bush dinner
• cuntino fillet with white sauce
• cunt lapping
• dive a muff
• eating at the "Y"
• eating pussy
• eating out
• egg mcmuff
• face job
• french job
• french tricks
• furburger
• give face
• give head
• go down on
• go south
• go under the house
• hair pie
• head job
• larking
• lickety split
• moustache ride
• muff barking
• muff dive
• mumbling in the moss
• pearl diving
• playing in the sandbox
• sea food dinner
• shrimping
• sit on one's face
• smokin' in the fur
• sneeze in the basket
• sneeze in the cabbage
• talking to the boat people
• talking to the canoe driver
• telephone the stomach
• tongue-fuck
• tuna taco
• whistle in the dark
• whistling in the weeds
• yodeling in the gully

The Dutch word "beffen" strikes a nice middle-ground between being just polite enough to say around females, crude enough to still be sexy, funny enough to say around your friends, and it's not just another euphamism which someone might not quite understand. "Beffen" has been entered into the Urban Dictionary as is, but why not simply incorporate this into the English language and make it into a proper verb? It would solve a lot of confusion, and with this topic, confusion is the last thing you want to incite.


Example Sentence:

"I wan't to use the word "beffing" in its non-continuous verb-form: "he befs", "she befs", but I am afraid I won't be able to do it tastefully... I guess I just didn't."

"Tom Selleck didn't always have a moustache. It happened in a tragic beffing accident."


*by the way, how hilarious is "yodeling in the gully?".
Answer: very.

Piping

verb: to give oral sex/fellatio on the male set of genetalia, blow-job, to suck a dick


The English language has long struggled with the description of this act. "Blow-job" is at best an an inaccurate description, and at worst, extremely misleading for first-time practitioners. "Suck a dick" is much more accurate, although it is very in-your-face (although I guess that is also the point of the excercise). "Fellatio" is a good scrabble word, but otherwise useless. And "oral sex" is only ever used by health professionals after the words "Always use a condom even when performing...".

So we clearly need a new word.* The Dutch word "Pijpen" strikes a nice balance, being direct and descriptive, without being overly crude. It also is also vague enough to allow personal creativity among practioners to add their own flair. The word presumably originates from the word "pipe", although I was unable to discover whether it originates from this type of pipe:
Or this pipe:

Maybe this Piper:



Or it could also quite possibly be this piper:

Actually, the last piper is so funny, here is another one for shits and giggles.Either way, it is probably best to use your imagination. Or not.


Example Sentences:

"Chris Rock is a big fan of piping"

"She is piping hot, and she pipes"

"Mario and Luigi are experts in piping, and they also make house-calls"



*Note

There are, of course, many other words and phrases for piping. I just hope someday piping gets added to George Carlin's list of impolite words. The "fellatio" section includes:

B.J. blow, blow job, blow the whistle, bone-lipper chew it, cop a doodle, cop a stem, drop on it, eat dick, fluting, french job, french way, get a facial, give face, give head, give pearls, gobble, gobble the goop, go down, go down for a whomp, go down on, gum a root, gunch, head job, hum a tune, hum job, hummer, inhale the oyster, knob job, lay some lip, mouth fuck, munch, open wide for chunky, pipe job, piston job, play a tune, polish the chrome, polish the knob, serve head, slob the knob, smoke a dick, smoke the white owl, suck a bondini, suck dick, suck off, suck the sugar-stick, sucky-fucky, swallow a sword, swing on it, tongue job, worship at the altar, wring it dry

Lull

verb: to talk nonsense, to blather on, to talk shit

This verb has gained wide appeal in Dutch, probably because the Dutch are very good at it. There are so many people that, for whatever reason, love to talk too much. Some people might be lonely (the elderly are often called an 'old lul'), they might be insecure and feel the need to talk a big game, they might be socially unaware and suffer from verbal diarrhoea, or they might be someone who wants something and is trying to talk their way into getting it.

There are two examples of the last form of lulling. The first is a direct result of the Dutch being ant fuckers. There are often so many rules in place, that getting some official business done can require a lot of paperwork and hassle. But the Dutch know that the best way to get anything done is to get someone on the phone, or go and meet someone responsible, and try lulling their way through it. This requires a delicate combination of friendliness, humour, playing dumb, and being shrewd. In this sense, the Gazellish 'lul' expands on the fairly limited English word "to lull", which is primarily a subtle way of tricking somebody. However, this is not quite accurate, as we all know that it takes two to lul: One to lul, and the other to be lulled.

In the other sense of lulling to get what you want, I had a colleague who said "I might not be so good looking, but I am capable of lulling any girl to bed."

This is especially appropriate since the word 'lul' actually is a slightly crude word for "penis". It can often be more accurately be translated to "douche", "idiot" or "fool". So, lulling might be like saying "dicking around". This also makes me laugh whenever I hear the phrase "there was a lull in the conversation", because it is often caused by someone making a fool of themselves. And it would make sense that people momentarily stop talking when someone flashes their piece during a conversation.

Note: This word's offensiveness dependes heavily on how well you know the other person. If a friend is talking too much or exaggerating a story, you'd tell him to 'stop lulling', similar as to how you could tell a friend to stop bullshitting, or to stop talking out of his ass (because, come on, it is often a guy thing). At least, that's what I tell my friends, which is perhaps why I don't have so many.


Note: Old whoring is merely one form of lulling.

Example sentences:

"The biggest lul on TV spends all his time lulling people into being scared and buying gold. I wish he would stop his lulling."

Yeah, the lul with those four sarcastic fingers.

Nutless

Adjective: "useless", something without any forseeable purpose

If a Dutch person is performing a task that has no possible benefits, that task is often called "nutteloos". However, from my English-speaking background, whenever I hear this word, it sounds much more descriptive, as it suggests neutering and eunuchs. This is never a nice thing to think about (or FYI, to google search... this will take a few weeks to get out of my mind...)

Anyway. So I think we can all agree that, not having any balls renders a male useless for some specific tasks. However, we can extend this expression to actions too, to really drive home the pointlessness of it. For example, it may be nutless to get a brazillian if you are a eunuch.

I also like the structural parallels with the well-known expression "as useful as a spare prick at a wedding", for which the Gazelle equivalent would be: "as useful as an empty nut-sack". I like it. It is an effective, poignant analogy that easily crosses over into the English domain without explanation.

It can also be said that something 'has no nut'. [Het heeft geen nut], which means the same thing as nutless.

Antonym: When something is, on the contrary, useful, Dutch people call it "nuttig". I like to translate this to"Nutty", which always brings a smile to my face as I recall this scene from Austin Powers.

Example sentences:
"Abstinence is nutless"
"I don't want to clean my room, it has no nut. It will just get dirty again"


Bonus:
Seeing Scrat from the Ice Age trilogy made me want to see more of him. Maybe you do too. Here is a glorious short film about Scrat from Pixar's Ice Age. You might even say this his whole life is nutless.

Poober

noun: a teenager

Don't worry, this sounds like a mash-up word of "poo" and "boogers", but that will be a future installment. The Dutch word "Puber" probably has the same etymological roots as pubic, and related words, which are all medical terms for dirty bits of anoatomy. Looking back, these words both made you want to giggle when your friends said it, and cringe when your teachers and parents said it. Urghh. what an awful time.

It was even more awful because I grew up in an English speaking country, but with Dutch parents at home. They would often talk about me as a poober, saying I was acting in this way because I was a poober, that I should stop being such a typical poober, poober poober poober. And all I could think, as a native English-speaking teenager was "Dad, stop talking about my pubes!"

Of course, I didn't quite understand that the Dutch word puber has no other embarrassing words. However, the link has stayed with me. It still shocks me when I hear Dutch teenagers freely talk about themselves as poobers.

However, Dutch teens seem to be much more relaxed than I was (although this probably says much more about me than them), and I think English-speaking teens should wrestle the root-word of "pubic" from the lame adults who try to address them. Because, the Weekly Gazelle advocates any incentive to get an immature giggle from anatomy-related words. (see zwaffle, kwak, moose foot, talking cunt, freedom, etc...)


Example Sentence:
"Poobers are always thinking about freedom"

Talking Cunt

Noun: the facial-hairstyle known as the "goatee".

This is a literal translation from the Dutch "Pratende Kut", due to the physical similarities. I think it has great potential in English as an insult to people who have a goatee. Not that the goatee is neccessarily a shameful facial accessory (I even sport one), but you can never have enough ways to insult others. Let us simply continue this post with a gallery of well-known talking cunts.










Example sentence:
Ah, what a magnificent collection of talking cunts.

Moose Foot

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Kwak

Noun: a blob of semen

In Dutch, the word of origin is "Kwakje", the suffix of which is the commonly used "je". This is used in two ways.

1. The cute-ifying way
This is used often by women and children to make themselves sound cute. It would be like adding "little" before every noun:
"hurry up little children, put on your little shoes, and let's all go to your little friend's house, little Johnny"
2. The belittling way (AKA my favourite way) This is used in ways to brutally and efficiently insult someone, without the use of swearwords. It is also best translated as "little" such as this example sentence:
"Hey little man, get in your little car, and go home to play with your little prick."
You get the idea. Therefore, "kwakje" is more than just "semen", or rather, it is less. Synonyms in English for this word never really refer to the amount, especially not in the negative. Consider this list of synonymns that I totally just thought of from the top of my head:
seminal fluid, ejaculate, spermatoza, seed, manseed, come/cum, love nectar, man glue, jizz, jizm, spunk, happy juice, love pudding, Albino-custard, Aphrodites-Evostick, arse-grease, ass-grease, axle-grease, baby-custard, baby-fat, baby-food, baby-gravy, baby-juice, baby-paste, baby's, ball juice, ball-bearing-oil, baume-de-vie, beans, beef-extract, beef-gravy, belly-seed, Bob-Monk, boy-honey, bubblejack, bull-gravy, bullets, bung-juice, bung-spew, butter, buttermilk, chism, chitty, cock-paste, cock-porridge, coke puke, cock-snot, cock-vomit, cockwax, cocoa-butter, come, come-juice, comings, courting-cream, cream, cream-sauce, crud, crunt, cum, cum-cum, cundy, Cupid's-toothpaste, curd, custard, Cyclops'-tears, daddy's-sauce, dick-butter, dick-drink, dicksplash, dog-water, doll-spit, dolly-spit, discharge, dream-whip, ejaculant, ejaculate, emission, emok, face-cream, father-stuff, fetch, foam, French-dressing, French-fried-ice-cream, French-fried-ice-water, froth, fruit-juice, fuck, gentleman's-relish, germen, germin, gism, gissom, gisum, gizzum, glaze, glop, gloy, glue, goat's-milk, gonad-glue, goo(-goo), gravy, gub(b), guma, hand-lotion, happy-juice, Harry-Monk, herbalz, hockey, home-brew, honey, hookey, hooky, hot-fat, hot-juice, hot-lead, hot-milk, Irish-confetti, jack, jam, jazz, jelly, jelly-juice, jerk-juice, jessom, jet-stream, jip, jisem, jism, jissom, jizz, jizzom, jizzum, joombye, joy-juice, juice, junk, krud, lather, lech-water (lechwater), letch-water (letchwater), lewd-infusion, liquid-hair-dressing, load, love-butter, love-custard, love-juice, love-liquid, love-liquor, loves-nectar, lumpy-piss, man-chowder, man's-milk, manfat, manglaze, manglue, man-juice, man-milk, man-mustard, man-oil, man-soup, maria, marrow, marrow-pudding, mayonaise, McSpunk, mecotero, melted-butter, mess, mettle, mettle-of-generation, minkus, milk, milt, muck, muckle, mungle, oil-of-man, ointment, oyster, paste, pearl, pearl-drop, pearly-passion-potion, pecker-snot, pedigree-chum, people-paste, phallic-ejaculant, phallic-vomitus, pineapple-chunk, pod-juice, population-paste, prick-juice, protein, pudding, queen-bees, reproductive-fluid, rice-pudding, rich-cream-sauce, roe, royal-jelly, sauce, scum, seed, seminal-discharge, seminal-fluid, seminal-milk, seminal spur, sexual-discharge, sexual-spendings, shissom, slime, slizz, smud, snake-venom, snedge, snot, snowstorm, soap, soul-sauce, Spanish-rice, spence, spend, spendings, sperm, spermatic-juice, spew, splash, splooch, splooge, spoo, spooch, spooey, spoof, spooge, spoonta, spratz, spudwater, spuff, spume, spunk, starch, stick, stick-it-in, sticky, sticky-seed, stitch, stuff, suds, tadpole-treasure, tail-juice, tail-oil, tail-water, tallow, tapioca-pudding, tapioca-toothpaste, Thelonius-Monk, turnip-seeds, Victoria-Monk, vitamins, wad, water-of-life, wazz, whipped-cream, white-blow, white-honey, white-love-piss, white-swallow, whitewash, whore's-milk, yogurt, yuk, cundy, distillate-of-love, distillatia, jizz-spider, lose-bullets, map-of-England, map-of-Ireland, number-three, oyster-stew, pearl-necklace, pecker-tracks, pre-cum, snowdropping, unload, wet-dream, aspermatism, Irish confetti, queen bees, reproductive fluid, rice pudding, pearl drop, protein, pearly passion potion, pecker snot, pecker tracks, phallic ejaculant, phallic vomitus, mayonaise, McSpunk, mecotero, oil of man, ointment, muckle, royal jelly, sauce, seminal discharge, seminal milk, shissom, snake venom, snedge, snowstorm, soap, soul sauce, Spanish rice, spence, spendings, jet stream, jip, Harry Monk, herbalz, home brew, hot juice, hot lead, hot milk, junk, krud, liquid hair dressing, love butter, love liquid, lumpy piss, man chowder, man milk, man mustard, man oil, man soup, maria, aspermia, ass grease, albino custard, arse grease, baby custard, baby fat, baby food, baby gravy, baby juice, baby paste, beef extract, ball-bearing oil, belly seed, Bob Monk, boy honey, bubble-jack, bull gravy, bung juice, bung spew, buttermilk, cock vomit, come-juice, cream sauce, cum-cum, Cupid's toothpaste, curd, Cyclops' tears, daddy's sauce, doll spit, dolly spit, dick drink, ejaculant, father-stuff, foam, fruit juice, gentleman's relish, French-fried ice water, glaze, gonad glue, gub(b), guma, hand lotion, spooey, spoonta, spuff, starch, sticky seed, tail oil, suds, tadpole treasure, Thelonius Monk, turnip seeds, Victoria Monk, vitamins, water of life, white honey, white love piss, whore's milk, yogurt, decorations, dick breath, cocoa butter, tapioca pudding, wad, comings, marrow, goat's milk, seed, rich cream sauce, Old Slimy, Scotch screw, golden screw, hive, cookie crumbs, cream-stick, come stain, cranking for cum, butter and eggs, baume de vie, beans, damp patch, cum dodger, cum stain, erected spermapositor, happy juice, fire blanks, upshoot, white blow, loves nectar, whipped cream, yuk, white swallow, whitewash, tapioca toothpaste, tail juice, tail water, sticky, spume, spunk, spratz, spudwater, spoof, spooge, fetch, French dressing, French-fried ice cream, germen, germin, goo, goo-goo, gravy, glop, gloy, glue, froth, FACE CREAM, dog water, emok, dicksplash, dream whip, crud, crunt, custard, custard cannon, baby's, Aphrodites Evostick, axle grease, butter, beef gravy, cometosis, cockwax, cock paste, cock porridge, cock snot, chitty, hockey, homo-milk, hookey, hooky, hot fat, jelly juice, jerk juice, joombye, joy juice, marrow-pudding, manfat, manglaze, manglue, mess, mettle, mettle of generation, man juice, love custard, love juice, living sauce, lather, lech-water, letch-water, lewd infusion, scum, seminal spurt, sexual discharge, sexual spendings, slime, slizz, smud, spermatic juice, spew, splash, splooch, splooge, spoo, spooch, spend, snot, mungle, paste, pearl, milt, minkus, muck, roe, pearl necklace, pineapple chunk, pod juice, population paste, prick-juice, pedigree chum, people paste, jelly, cream, bullets, chism, dick butter, cum, emission, gizzum, gism, gissom, gisum, jessom, jisem, jism, jissom, jiz, jizz, jizzom, jizzum, honey, jazz, load, milk, pudding, oyster, sperm, waz, wazz, wet dream, White Russian, spunk-pot, take in cream, taking part in population control, unload, truffle hunting, urethra, urethral meatus, urethral orifice, urethrorrhea ex ubidine, wasting babies, viral hepatitis, snowballing, snowdropping, seminary, simple infanticide, skeet shooting, slaughter of the innocent, scatophiliac, seminal fluid, milt-market, milt-shop, melted butter, milk can, milk jug, milk pan, milker, milking pail, milkman, man's milk, love liquor, juice for jelly, keep down the census, keep the census down, honey pot, honeypot, hygrophilia, infanticide, ink in the pen, inseminate, homunculi, jelly bag, give juice for jelly, get one's oil changed, foofer felching, fetch metal, fetch mettle, first stage of ejaculation, glue pot, gluepot, gravy-giver, gravy-maker, emission phase, exchanging loads, felching, dumb glutton, ejaculatio deficiens, ejaculatory incompetence, cum breath, cundy, coitus saxonicus, cocksucker's breath, cocktail, churn, churner, candy-maker, carry live ammunition, cervical hostility, cream-catcher, cream jug, crow, come drunk, come off, coprafelchia, courting cream, butter boat, butter box, beehive, blood and semen cocktail, bananas and cream, ashes hauled, bed breath, bee-hive, beef bayo with extra mayo, acquired immune deficiency syndrome, juice, jack, jam, semen, come, stuff, wet patch, wet spot, clinkers, blow off, belly full, discharge, hepatitis B, lead in your pencil,

None of these terms refer to the small amount which, if we are being honest, is the truth. I mean, they don't give you a bucket when you give a sample. No, they give you a magazine and a 20ml bottle, which you can never really fill up. "Kwak" more accurately describes the reality of the situation. So let's stop kidding ourselves, and call it what it is. A small blob. Kwak.

Example Sentence (Featuring David Caruso):

Bonus 1.
Craig Ferguson actually talked about "Quacking his pants" several times on his September 8th 2009 show during his interview with Neil Patrick Harris. I think he was probably more referring to other bodily functions, but as is the nature of the double entendre, it is open to different meanings and was much funnier with my own Dutch-inspired interpretation.



Bonus 2.

In Dutch the popular cartoon characters from Duck Tales, Huey Dewey and Louie are called Kwik, Kwek and Kwak. Seriously. And noone seems to understand the irony.
Apparently Louey, the green one is Kwak. But if your Kwak is green and it is not St. Patrick's day, I reccommend you see your doctor.


Bonus 3:
There is also a belgsch beer called Kwak.

Kwak:
Worst drink ever. It is even in an appropriately shaped vessel with the white foam at the top.