Kloiying

verb: to mess about, waste time with, to fuck about, to do something aimlessly or inefficiently

"Klooien" is one of many Dutch words to describe undesireable actions with a word that doesn't sound nice. A nice hard 'K' sound is a powerful tool when put into action at the right time. Transferred into English, it also gives off the sense of "clumsiness", which klooien definitely is.

Kloiying can be very similar to knutselling, with a few important contextual tweaks. Knutselling is always an activity that, although usually aimless, it usually results in something. Knutselling is also cute, whereas nobody really intends to kloiy, and as soon as somebody realises that they are in fact kloiying, they'll probably stop.

Kloiying can also be malicious, in a practical joke sense if the practical joke is pedantic one. In this sense kloiyen can be analagous to procrastination. A perfect example of this is pranks at the workplace or student-flat. This usually takes the form of filling someone's car with popcorn, wrapping their cubicle up with cellophane wrap or a particularly good toilet papering. Examples below, and endless examples at M thru F:


Example sentences:

"Uh oh. This was supposed to be an IKEA baby crib, but it looks more like a torture rack. I think I kloiyed up.

"Stop kloiying about. They're nipples, not radio dials!"

"Hey, if you guys don't stop kloiying, you're fired."

Beffing

Verb: to give oral sex to a female

Last week the Gazelle tackled the subject of piping, and in the spirit of democracy and gender equality, this week's gazelle word is to please the female readers. (Just to shut up the feminists for a few minutes). Because nothing could be more gazelle-ish.

Like last week's word which concerned "fellatio", this topic is difficult to describe without being overly medical, or overly crude, or overly vague. Sexual health brochures will probably talk about "cunnilingus", and in more casual conversation people might use the phrase "giving head". However, since that is gender non-specific, people who are homophobes often prefer to avoid that term. And if you want to delve into the world of euphamism, take your pick:
(as usual, this list is but a small portion from George Carlin's incomplete list of impolite words (longer audio version here))

• barking at the ape
• bird-washing
• blow-job
• box lunch
• bush dinner
• cuntino fillet with white sauce
• cunt lapping
• dive a muff
• eating at the "Y"
• eating pussy
• eating out
• egg mcmuff
• face job
• french job
• french tricks
• furburger
• give face
• give head
• go down on
• go south
• go under the house
• hair pie
• head job
• larking
• lickety split
• moustache ride
• muff barking
• muff dive
• mumbling in the moss
• pearl diving
• playing in the sandbox
• sea food dinner
• shrimping
• sit on one's face
• smokin' in the fur
• sneeze in the basket
• sneeze in the cabbage
• talking to the boat people
• talking to the canoe driver
• telephone the stomach
• tongue-fuck
• tuna taco
• whistle in the dark
• whistling in the weeds
• yodeling in the gully

The Dutch word "beffen" strikes a nice middle-ground between being just polite enough to say around females, crude enough to still be sexy, funny enough to say around your friends, and it's not just another euphamism which someone might not quite understand. "Beffen" has been entered into the Urban Dictionary as is, but why not simply incorporate this into the English language and make it into a proper verb? It would solve a lot of confusion, and with this topic, confusion is the last thing you want to incite.


Example Sentence:

"I wan't to use the word "beffing" in its non-continuous verb-form: "he befs", "she befs", but I am afraid I won't be able to do it tastefully... I guess I just didn't."

"Tom Selleck didn't always have a moustache. It happened in a tragic beffing accident."


*by the way, how hilarious is "yodeling in the gully?".
Answer: very.

Piping

verb: to give oral sex/fellatio on the male set of genetalia, blow-job, to suck a dick


The English language has long struggled with the description of this act. "Blow-job" is at best an an inaccurate description, and at worst, extremely misleading for first-time practitioners. "Suck a dick" is much more accurate, although it is very in-your-face (although I guess that is also the point of the excercise). "Fellatio" is a good scrabble word, but otherwise useless. And "oral sex" is only ever used by health professionals after the words "Always use a condom even when performing...".

So we clearly need a new word.* The Dutch word "Pijpen" strikes a nice balance, being direct and descriptive, without being overly crude. It also is also vague enough to allow personal creativity among practioners to add their own flair. The word presumably originates from the word "pipe", although I was unable to discover whether it originates from this type of pipe:
Or this pipe:

Maybe this Piper:



Or it could also quite possibly be this piper:

Actually, the last piper is so funny, here is another one for shits and giggles.Either way, it is probably best to use your imagination. Or not.


Example Sentences:

"Chris Rock is a big fan of piping"

"She is piping hot, and she pipes"

"Mario and Luigi are experts in piping, and they also make house-calls"



*Note

There are, of course, many other words and phrases for piping. I just hope someday piping gets added to George Carlin's list of impolite words. The "fellatio" section includes:

B.J. blow, blow job, blow the whistle, bone-lipper chew it, cop a doodle, cop a stem, drop on it, eat dick, fluting, french job, french way, get a facial, give face, give head, give pearls, gobble, gobble the goop, go down, go down for a whomp, go down on, gum a root, gunch, head job, hum a tune, hum job, hummer, inhale the oyster, knob job, lay some lip, mouth fuck, munch, open wide for chunky, pipe job, piston job, play a tune, polish the chrome, polish the knob, serve head, slob the knob, smoke a dick, smoke the white owl, suck a bondini, suck dick, suck off, suck the sugar-stick, sucky-fucky, swallow a sword, swing on it, tongue job, worship at the altar, wring it dry

Lull

verb: to talk nonsense, to blather on, to talk shit

This verb has gained wide appeal in Dutch, probably because the Dutch are very good at it. There are so many people that, for whatever reason, love to talk too much. Some people might be lonely (the elderly are often called an 'old lul'), they might be insecure and feel the need to talk a big game, they might be socially unaware and suffer from verbal diarrhoea, or they might be someone who wants something and is trying to talk their way into getting it.

There are two examples of the last form of lulling. The first is a direct result of the Dutch being ant fuckers. There are often so many rules in place, that getting some official business done can require a lot of paperwork and hassle. But the Dutch know that the best way to get anything done is to get someone on the phone, or go and meet someone responsible, and try lulling their way through it. This requires a delicate combination of friendliness, humour, playing dumb, and being shrewd. In this sense, the Gazellish 'lul' expands on the fairly limited English word "to lull", which is primarily a subtle way of tricking somebody. However, this is not quite accurate, as we all know that it takes two to lul: One to lul, and the other to be lulled.

In the other sense of lulling to get what you want, I had a colleague who said "I might not be so good looking, but I am capable of lulling any girl to bed."

This is especially appropriate since the word 'lul' actually is a slightly crude word for "penis". It can often be more accurately be translated to "douche", "idiot" or "fool". So, lulling might be like saying "dicking around". This also makes me laugh whenever I hear the phrase "there was a lull in the conversation", because it is often caused by someone making a fool of themselves. And it would make sense that people momentarily stop talking when someone flashes their piece during a conversation.

Note: This word's offensiveness dependes heavily on how well you know the other person. If a friend is talking too much or exaggerating a story, you'd tell him to 'stop lulling', similar as to how you could tell a friend to stop bullshitting, or to stop talking out of his ass (because, come on, it is often a guy thing). At least, that's what I tell my friends, which is perhaps why I don't have so many.


Note: Old whoring is merely one form of lulling.

Example sentences:

"The biggest lul on TV spends all his time lulling people into being scared and buying gold. I wish he would stop his lulling."

Yeah, the lul with those four sarcastic fingers.

Squirting and Swallowing

verb: to take drugs

It is a strange fact of life that sometimes stereotypes are in fact opposite. This post concerns the usage of drugs in the Netherlands. The Netherlands makes a distinction between "hard" and "soft" drugs. Cannabis, a "soft" drug, is generally allowed in the Netherlands, yet usage is considerably lower than many countries who still crimminalise it, as seen by this graph. And I don't think this takes into consideration the massive amounts of drug tourism that Holland also generates.

People often explain this curious statist by saying that people like doing things that aren't allowed, but this seems like a pretty weak explanation to me. My hypothesis is related to the Dutch language. "Spuiten en Slikken" is a euphamism primarily for taking drugs. In fact, there is even a popular TV show which addresses drug and(/or) sex-related activities. I once saw a young female tv host try acid and go to a disco. Now that is reporting!


Quite literally, it can be translated as "squirting and swallowing", which suddenly makes taking drugs seem a little less attractive. Or at least, it is something you would put some more thought into doing. Because, even in Dutch, judging by a google image search I just made, there is a large connotation with some aspects of sexual intercourse you hope won't be on the video that God shows you at the pearly gates.

See, when drugs are illegal and most people seem to agree that there is relatively little harm to come from them, people might be quicker to go ahead and use them in spite of the legal risk. In Holland there is a much more open dialogue, and people can make a more informed decision as to whether they want to "squirt and swallow". So I think we could introduce this eupemism into the English language, and see if this affects the drug-use statitics. It could do no harm, except I suppose, to people who like freaky sex but are staunchly anti-drug. But those people can go screw themselves, which I am sure they will.

Example Sentence:

"Every year, hundreds of thousands of drug tourists come to Amsterdam for some squirting and swallowing which their home governments would not approve of."


Bonus: Another popular host of the show Spuiten en Slikken, Nicollete, famously posed for playboy last year to "report" on the experience. This has no real relevance to this post, but is still awesome.

Tractoring

Verb: To shout (someone), to treat (someone) to

The dutch word "trakteren" has the above meaning, which again brings up the issue of vague, waffly English definitions where Dutch has a clear word for it. "Shouting" by itself has another more dominant meaning, and treating someone sounds more like when the parents of your best friend buys you an icecream after you went and played at the park. Treating someone to a beer, it's a little belittling, or maybe illegal. Just ask Michael Jack... Oh wait, he's dead. What have we learnt?

So next time, "tractor" someone, please.

Tractoring has a slightly wider definition in Holland. See, when they have a birthday, they actually do things for other people. I know, it's as if they don't even want to be a needy, attention-seeking, greedy, spoilt little bitch. Weird. When children have birthdays, they are almost obligated to buy all their classmates a small gift, and adults usually have some kind of party where guests aren't even supposed to bring their own alcohol. I know, it doesn't make any sense. For this reason, the MTV show "Dutch Sweet 16" is the lamest show ever.

Last year for my birthday, I had to cook for all my extended family, and several times during the evening they asked me to fetch the next round of drinks. I was tractoring around all day, and I didn't get even one gift. But on the bright side, we don't have to bring gifts or booze to birthday parties, so it all works out in the end. Expending a lot of energy once a year for a birthday is much better than doing it all year round. It is like immunising yourself against brithday parties. The Dutch are onto something here.


Example Sentences:

"If you're tractoring someone to a hay-ride, chances are, you're a redneck"

Old Whoring

verb: to reminisce, to talk excessively about the past

This actually has nothing to do with Kim Cattrall, but I can never miss an opportunity to insult her. (FYI, there are much much more slutty pictures I could have posted here, but I wouldn't wish her camel toe on my worst enemy)

"Old whoring" is a literal translation from Dutch, which people use in a non-insulting way to refer to reminscing. Reminiscing... What a crappy word that is. So messy. I had to look up the spelling of it for the purposes of this post. However, until now, there isn't a much better way to describe talking longingly about the past. "Old whoring" is an attention-grabbing word that could fill this niche.

I am usure about how this term came into existence. Perhaps it is due to the relaxed attitude of Dutch people towards prostitution that allows the whores to talk openly in public. And let's be honest, anything a whore says about her past is reminscing about better times. But old whoring is not just for old people and/or whores. No, everyone can old-whore. Young, old, male and female. Because whores are just like you and me. They're people, too, naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate behind a curtain in the VIP booth.



Example Sentence:

"Me and the guys are going to go out later for some beers and some old whoring"


Bonus
A classic older whorer is Abraham Simpson, who once famously said:

"One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.."

Doped

Verb (past tense): To have been baptised (as a baby or infant)

Being a student of George Carlin, one might say that I have a slight problem with organised religion. Mainly, a large problem is the lack of freedom of choice given to children, or as Richard Dawkins wrote, we should not label children as Muslim, Christian, Zoroastrian, Scientologists, Mormonian, or anything, at least until they are old enough to make the choice themselves. I mean, let's be honest for a moment. Children are pretty damn stupid. Okay, now I am paraphrasing Dr. Dawkins, but it's true. Kids are pretty stupid. Even your child. Even you when you were a child. For example, Peek-a-boo. Is there anything more stupid than that game? Peek-a-boo makes Hungry Hungy Hippo's look like a 3D chessboard.


Would you entrust these almost people to the secrets of the meaning of life?

But I digress. Today I am supposed to be attacking organised religion, not attacking children. Not today anyway. The point is, the ritual of baptism is just a ploy to "get em when they are young", to label and mind-control children from the most influential age, and to forever claim a soul as a member of their particular faith. And I am pretty sure it is supposed to be permanent. It is like circumcision, female circumcision, footbinding, a forehead tattoo, or hearing your parents have sex. It stays with you forever. I mean, can you even be un-baptised? I guess we could make up some kind of opposite ritual, like something that involves pouring burning oil onto a priest's forehead, or dipping your balls into some holy water. That would work.

The practice of baptism is obviously a farce anyway, such as made clear when a Catholic high school was established in the town I grew up. The students who initially enrolled were either ones who had religious fanatic parents, or kids who had been expelled from the other three schools. The only problem was, many of these naughty kids were godless, unbaptised heathens. No problem, one quick visit to the church, and they had a brand new certificate of baptism. Although, by this stage, they were probably old enough to make that decision (even though there was no other choice for them in terms of schools they could go to). But even Jesus himself was baptised when he was an adult, and he was presumably mature enough to make that decision for himself. I don't recall anywhere in the bible where Jesus was playing Peek-a-boo with the apostles, not even John (the cute one). And that is the point of it all. What Would Jesus Do? Let people make their own damn decisions. So if people want to go through the ceremony, I am happy for them. As long as we can avoid stupid stories about "emergency baptisms", apparently converting your three-year-old daughter to spite your Jewish ex-wife, and Christian babysitters "saving" unconverted children while the heathen parents are taking tango lessons.

Therefore, the point of using the Dutch word "doped" instead of "baptised" takes away the apparently good connotations of the word 'baptised' with something that sounds like "doping" and "duping". The recent scandal of the Catholic Church has made many people question their faith, and I hope this word will help them through their period of doubt and help them claim back their freedom of choice. Colonel Klink... Uncle Fester... Pope Ratzinger asked for forgiveness, but it is hard to forgive something which you were too young to remember.


Example Sentence:

If you have been doped you may well have been duped.

Zwaffel

verb: to rub or slap one's own male genitals against something

Occasionally there comes along a word that is so perfect, that it has simply must traverse different languages. Zwaffel is one of these. Mark my words, especially the word "zwaffel".

"Swaffelen" was named by a Dutch online poll as 'The Word of the Year' in 2008, and has become a cultural phenomenom. For obvious reasons, I was apprehensive to include a video of zwaffeling, but I found one from the NOS Journaal, the most trusted news program in The Netherlands. Don't worry, even though it is Holland, the genitals have been censored out. The opening scene is of a guy zwafeling the Taj Mahal. This video went viral, and one hopes for the sake of the guy, considering the horrific stories I have heard of how dirty the Taj Mahal is, that the video was the only thing that went viral.

The video goes on to explain the possible etymology of the word, which unsurprisingly, is most probably German. Thank you once again, Germany! What would we do without the Germans?

(Answer: celebrate)


Zwaffeling is kind of like this, but only if Amelia used her penis

A close translation to zwaffel might be "dick-slap", but this is usually used in more serious situations, either literally or figuratively, with the express intent to pay someone the highest insult. Zwaffeling is usually performed with a much more friendly and jovial atmosphere.

English is also blessed with the word "tea-bagging", but that uses the other portion of the male set of genitals, and simply denotes the dangling of the testiclae onto something, particularly, but not necessarily, another person's mouth. The aim of tea-bagging is usually to humiliate someone. Zwaffeling can also be used to achieve this noble aim, but is much more active, and a much more all-purpose word that can be used in a wider range of social situations.
Bonus: Females are (usually) unfortunately unable to partake in the act of zwaffeling, but not all hope is lost, as they are capable of "she-bagging".

Example sentence:
[scenario - a flatmate wanting the other flatmate to clean the apartment]

A: "Clean the apartment!"
B: "I don't want to clean the apartment"
A: "What if I told you that I zwaffeled every single surface?"
B: "Where's the mop?"

Stepping

Verb: To go out

Technically, the above translation is incomplete. "To go out" is one of those unnecessarily vague words, that often has to be defined or explained right after. It can either mean "To go out on a date" or "To go out on the town". For some reason there is never much confusion when I tell people that I am going out. They are probably:

A) Not listening
B) Certain that there still exists no single female that would go out with me
C) Just happy to see me leave

Still, my extensive research (watching television programs) has shown conclusively that "going out" is a problematic word, having two meanings that are slightly related but very important to differentiate. That would be like having the same word meaning "poison" and "food". Or a word that means both "condom" and "erection". You are asking for trouble. This might sound a little obvious, but we need different words to describe different things.

The solution is Dutch. "Stappen", literally meaning "stepping", is not only a different word, it also does an admirable job of describing what people do when "hitting the town". "Going out" only describes the very start of the night, which is usually the least significant part, and it suggests that you don't do anything once leaving the house. Stepping involves movement, having fun, bar hopping, dancing, running away from a really muscly guy whose girlfriend you just tried to grope. You know, just, having fun. That's what stepping is all about.

This term was actually foretold by one of the greatest musical talents of our generation. Many people have stopped taking him seriously because of some unfortunate (ahem) "minor" incidents, but few have been able to equal him, and hopefully now people are able to realise this. Listen to him in this video using the word "stepping", and related words such as "step" and "stepper". Although he uses it more as a synonym for dancing, it takes on a much wider meaning.




Of course, these are songs by the genius that is R. Kelly. These two song excerpts are from "Happy People", and "Stepping into Heaven". In fact, this whole album (The Happy People Album) is filled with songs for steppers, and if you ever need to feel good and you ran out of mice to feed to your pet snake, this album will definitely better your mood. Well, unless you hate this kind of music. Then I can't help you. But stepping can.




Example Sentence:Rose: "I don't know the steps."
Jack: "Neither do I. Just go with it. Don't think."
Rose: [girly shriek]

Spoiler alert: a few scenes later scene, they have sex. Oh yeah, they be stepping! And then they "went out"...

Knutselling

I remember the time when I first heard this word. A daughter of some friends asked if she could go "knutselling" in my room. I thought; "aren't you too young for that?" But no, once I found out what she meant, I was all for it. In fact, I love knutselling. I seem to think I am very good at knutselling. So, I usually only knutsel by myself, so it was fun to do knutselling together.

Okay, if you are unfamiliar with this word, then before you call the police or send a pitchforked possy to pay me a visit, read the definition.
Knutselen: to tinker, to potter about, do-it-yourself, to do arts and crafts, etc.

If there is a word that the English language needs, "knutselling" is it. It is so perfectly descriptive of what people do, specifically in two scenarios.
Case Scenario 1:
A guy who likes to make stuff in his own workshop. The workmanship might be a little shoddy, he might not have the most efficient working methods, and he probably doesn't know anyone who has much use for another coathanger-slash-birdhouse. Still, it's his hobby. Now, the current best way to describe what he is doing might be "handymanning", but I don't like to use that word because I once accidentally saw a movie by that same name. Worst movie ever! Let's just say that the plot involved a very different kind of "hammering" than what I was expecting.
So instead, a slight Englishification, and "knutselling" is a great way to describe what men do in their garages and workshops. Well, that and meetings for the National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood ("NO MA'AM) meetings:

Case scenario 2:
It's a known fact that children like to make crappy things. The three things that children are good at making is noise, poop and fridge-decorations. Knutselling is exactly the right word for how they make these fridge-decorations. Basically, knutselling is anything they make from paper, scissors, colouring pencils, glue, glitter, macaroni, egg cartons, sea-shells, feathers and any other crap they can find. Currently, the best way to describe what these children do is "arts and crafts". But which is it? It certainly isn't art, or my university education in Art History was a complete waste of time (which it clearly wasn't, right? Right?). And there is so little craftsmanship in what children make to justify it as craft. The Dutch have done well to recognise this activity with such an appropriate word, and they sometimes go even further by having a "knutsel table", and even a "knutsel room" instead of a rumpus room. This might even be the reason that Holland was ranked as the best country to raise children. Although on the other hand, it might also be the worst country to be raised as a fridge. "oh... Thanks honey. It's, really... Wow... Thanks. I'll go and put it on the fridge now."


Example Sentence:"Not even McGuyver could beat me at knutselling."


Update: Even Miffy knutsels!
Well, she might be knutselling, or since all Dick Bruna's characters are made from paper, she could be wearing someone else's face.

Bekakked

From bekakt, verb: to be snobby, arrogant, snooty, posh

The etymology of this word is from "kak", meaning shit, and literally it means "shit-soiled". However, it now more commonly denotes rich people, and the way they act and especially how they talk. Sure, this might accurately be translated to "snobby", but it is much more fun to refer to them with a word synonymous with poo. Despite this, it is a relatively tame insult that isn't really insulting to many people. Rich Dutch people apparently know that they are full of shit.

Despite the Netherlands being such a small country, there are so many distinct accents. It must be almost as wide and varying as England - whose own version of a bekakked accent might be Royal Queen's English, BBC English, or Oxford English. While I am unable to distinguish many different Dutch accents - let alone identify them - bekakked accents are often as obvious as the nose on their face which they hold up high.

Because parody is an exaggeration of truth, here is a parody of Queen Beatrix, the Divine ruler of Holland.


Compare that to this parody of Prince Charles. It's nice to know that stupid, annoying richness doesn't know any borders.



While being bekakked is often betrayed by one's speech, it is much more than audible. For many it is a way of life. A boring, annoying, way of life... Users of the bekakked accent usually have two first names (for example, Hans-Peter), and often have a proclivity for pink dress-shirts, golfing sweaters tied around their necks, and having faces that for some reason you would like to punch in the mouth. You too ladies: Women are also highly capable of being bekakked. Here is an image of two such fine specimens.
In this picture, the dog is actually there to clean up after the ladies.

Bonus: A person who is bekakked is called a "kakker", which I suppose means "one who shits". It also has the added bonus of having the same pattern and rhythm as a certain six-letter word that is highly offensive to a certain demographic, if you see where I am going... But stupid rich people deserve it.


Example sentence:

"She's becoming so bekakked that she is starting to shit from her mouth."