Piping

verb: to give oral sex/fellatio on the male set of genetalia, blow-job, to suck a dick


The English language has long struggled with the description of this act. "Blow-job" is at best an an inaccurate description, and at worst, extremely misleading for first-time practitioners. "Suck a dick" is much more accurate, although it is very in-your-face (although I guess that is also the point of the excercise). "Fellatio" is a good scrabble word, but otherwise useless. And "oral sex" is only ever used by health professionals after the words "Always use a condom even when performing...".

So we clearly need a new word.* The Dutch word "Pijpen" strikes a nice balance, being direct and descriptive, without being overly crude. It also is also vague enough to allow personal creativity among practioners to add their own flair. The word presumably originates from the word "pipe", although I was unable to discover whether it originates from this type of pipe:
Or this pipe:

Maybe this Piper:



Or it could also quite possibly be this piper:

Actually, the last piper is so funny, here is another one for shits and giggles.Either way, it is probably best to use your imagination. Or not.


Example Sentences:

"Chris Rock is a big fan of piping"

"She is piping hot, and she pipes"

"Mario and Luigi are experts in piping, and they also make house-calls"



*Note

There are, of course, many other words and phrases for piping. I just hope someday piping gets added to George Carlin's list of impolite words. The "fellatio" section includes:

B.J. blow, blow job, blow the whistle, bone-lipper chew it, cop a doodle, cop a stem, drop on it, eat dick, fluting, french job, french way, get a facial, give face, give head, give pearls, gobble, gobble the goop, go down, go down for a whomp, go down on, gum a root, gunch, head job, hum a tune, hum job, hummer, inhale the oyster, knob job, lay some lip, mouth fuck, munch, open wide for chunky, pipe job, piston job, play a tune, polish the chrome, polish the knob, serve head, slob the knob, smoke a dick, smoke the white owl, suck a bondini, suck dick, suck off, suck the sugar-stick, sucky-fucky, swallow a sword, swing on it, tongue job, worship at the altar, wring it dry

Swerver

Noun: A homeless person, a drifter, a hobo, a dakless

Keeping with a recent theme (and with writing about what you know best), is another posting about describing homelessness. Swerver is a slightly more nuanced word, proving that the Dutch can also be subtle and victims to politically correct left-wing censorship. However, the word "zwerver" sounds like a great way to describe people who have gone off life's proverbial rails, someone who has lost their way, someone who has gone off track.

In a very relavant but non-humorous segue, here is a brilliant song by a truly underrated reggae singer, Nasio Fontaine.


Having been off-track myself for quite some time, I have great affinity for swervers. This is not the same as having sympathy for them, let alone having loose change for them. I'm too consumed with my own self pity. It is kind of the same difference as a homeless person and a hobo. A hobo/swerver is simply a lost soul who have a great life-story and might still get back on their feet, while Homeless/dakless people are serious and sad (even when holding up funny signs) and don't have a soul.

So, I would much prefer to be called a swerver than dakless - at least while I still have internet access. (Hint to people who are exploring their options of becoming homeless - McDonalds cafe's have wifi, so try to stake out territory within range. I hear blogging is a great way to dig your way out of being homeless. Either that, or get the E-book of the New Testament).


Example Sentence:

"If you see a swerver on the road, he's worth five points. (10 if you reverse over them)"

Zatt

Adjective: to be fed up, to have had enough, to be tired of something

The Dutch word "zat" is a muti-faceted word that generally denotes a large amount of something, with the connotation that it is 'too much'. In common conversation, it often means that somebody is drunk, or, in this particular case, you are "fed up". Other ways of saying this could include:

• I really don't care now
• What's the point now?
• I'm too old for this
• I'm not going to put up with this crap anymore
  
• I'm sick of this shit
• I don't give a fuck anymore
• It's too late for that shit

Or, my personal favourite:

• Fuck this shit

But there are those times in life you just really, really don't give a shit anymore. And when you have fallen in this deep, syllables are of a premium. A concise word is most welcome. You don't want to expend energy that you could otherwise be using to contemplate your own misery. Just ask anybody who is depressed how they are, and they will probably give you a one-word answer. ("fine")

The problem with the above phrases is that the most effective ones seem to have swearwords in them. While I don't think this is a coincidence, "zatt" has a very clear meaning and can eliminate the need for this.*

The English phrase "I'm fed up" is quite short, but with a bit of gazelle, we can do even better. How about just saying "I'm zatt"? Zatt is such a good word because it carries with it an air of despair, while still preserving some innocence. Someone who is 'fed up' might still want to stab somebody, but someone who is zatt is more likely to turn the knife on themselves. And while both of those scenarios are not great scenarios, I'd rather people stab themselves. Besides, most of those people just want attention. I'm zatt with those people. They are ruining the good repuation of the truly suicidal.

Of course, zatt doesn't have to be that heavy. You can be zatt with your work, zatt with your flatmates, and zatt with the sudden unannouced 16 cent rise (100%) in bake-off bread at all Dutch supermarkets. At least I was zatt with all those things.

How can the price of these jump from 16 cents to 32 cents overnight, of different brands at different supermarkets? It is a conspiracy, I am sure of it.


Example sentence:

"I'm zatt with this shit"

[* Although I said that zatt can replace swearwords, it doesn't necessarily mean I believe that they should.]

Dakless

Noun: a homeless person

In Dutch, the word "dakloos" is used to refer to homeless people. "Dak" meaning roof, and "loos" being the suffix meaning "without" (We saw this earlier in the Gazelle with "nutless").

There are a couple of reasons why I think this word is much more appropriate than the English "homeless".

Firstly, "home" is such a subjective word. One's home generally suggests a place where you feel at ease, whether it is a country, a town, or a building where all your stuff is. "Home" is one of those words that are a direct result of the bullshitting PC generation. A home is much easier to sell to people, it sounds nicer. But people don't live in "homes", they live in houses. A "home" is supposed to be comfortable, suggesting there is an excited dog, an obedient housewife, and a hot pie on the windowsill waiting for you. But this is just bullshit. You can do whatever you want with a house. Homeless people don't need a home, they just need a roof over their head. So, why don't we call them "houseless"?

This is how the comic legend George Carlin put it. (He then goes on to give a solution for homelessness)



Secondly, and the reason it should be called "dakless-ness", is because "daks" is a colloquial word meaning "trousers". It is most commonly used in the old English Dominions of Australia and New Zealand. Now, if one is dakless, you know they have some serious financial trouble and aren't just lazy.

Thirdly, yours truly is a recent dakless person and I want to raise awareness of this plight before my internet capabilities are gone. So before, I start growing my beard, cutting the fingers off my gloves, stealing a shopping cart, peeing in my underdaks and making funny signs, remember that it is not a home I want. I just want a roof above my head.

Example Sentence:

"Tell your children to avoid the dakless"

Sukkel

Noun: a loser (person), a pushover, a fall guy, a sap, a coward, a dweeb, e.t.c.

Sukkel is another Dutch word which can be used as an effective insult, but doesn't necessarily have to be. It isn't a particularly stinging insult, but the nature of the word makes it a great way to kick somebody who is already on the ground. The nuances of the word suckel might best be explained by certain scenarios.


Scenario One: The chronic sukkel

Some people are just born sukkels. They are people who, no matter what they seem to do, bad luck will follow them. However, at a certain point, you begin to lose pity for them. I mean, "the only common demominator from all your bad luck is you", right? And who knows, maybe these people want to keep up their sukkel-ing ways. The most classic example of a chronic sukkel would be William H. Macy from the movie, The Cooler. Bernie Lootz is such a sukkel, that he is employed by a casino owner to walk around the casino and 'cool down' people with a hot hand. Of course, he is such a sukkel that after a while, he can't even be a sukkel anymore.

What a sukkel.


Scenario two: The klutz.

This one is pretty simple. It is hard to have pity for people who break your stuff, no matter how sorry they are.

Okay okay, stop looking at me like that! I forgive you. You sukkel.


Scenario three: The wimp

The coward is a classic sukkel, and gives anecdotal evidence that sukkeling is a character flaw rather than unavoidable bad luck. This video is of a sukkel at a baseball game who dodges the ball coming towards him, letting it hit his girlfriend instead.



Notice the way that the girlfriend doesn't appear to be angry at him. She is a sukkel too.


Scenario four: The easy victim

For some people, it is just too easy.
If you try to take the money, you are such a sukkel.


Scenario five: The pussy-whipped guy

This is related to scenario four, and is often the most tragic form of sukkel-ism. You know, the guy who changes everything in his life for a girl. You know, the guy who disowns all their old friends, stops drinking beer, and starts wearing pleated pants? We all know someone like that. This form of social-castration is all the more tragic as it is brought on by somebody else.

This guy: such a sukkel

Of course, there are different levels of being pussy-whipped, but all of them makes you a sukkel. If you help an ex-girlfriend move your old furniture into her new boyfriend's house, you're a sukkel. If you see a girl on the side of the highway with a broken down car and you stop to help, you're a sukkel. If you pay a stripper a tenner for a lap dance and she doesn't even show partial nipple, you're a sukkel.



Hopefully, you have understood the different forms of sukkels in the world, and if you haven't, send me 10 dollars and I will explain it to you. (Sukkels)