Kloiying

verb: to mess about, waste time with, to fuck about, to do something aimlessly or inefficiently

"Klooien" is one of many Dutch words to describe undesireable actions with a word that doesn't sound nice. A nice hard 'K' sound is a powerful tool when put into action at the right time. Transferred into English, it also gives off the sense of "clumsiness", which klooien definitely is.

Kloiying can be very similar to knutselling, with a few important contextual tweaks. Knutselling is always an activity that, although usually aimless, it usually results in something. Knutselling is also cute, whereas nobody really intends to kloiy, and as soon as somebody realises that they are in fact kloiying, they'll probably stop.

Kloiying can also be malicious, in a practical joke sense if the practical joke is pedantic one. In this sense kloiyen can be analagous to procrastination. A perfect example of this is pranks at the workplace or student-flat. This usually takes the form of filling someone's car with popcorn, wrapping their cubicle up with cellophane wrap or a particularly good toilet papering. Examples below, and endless examples at M thru F:


Example sentences:

"Uh oh. This was supposed to be an IKEA baby crib, but it looks more like a torture rack. I think I kloiyed up.

"Stop kloiying about. They're nipples, not radio dials!"

"Hey, if you guys don't stop kloiying, you're fired."

Tinted

Adjective: A person of colour

Dutch people are famously tolerant. We are so tolerant that other countries can kiss our collective tolerant asses. We are so tolerant that not even blackface is offensive. This is because Dutch people do not judge people by the colour of their skin, because they do not see colour.

They do however, see "tint". This is a much more convenient way to discerning the implications of someone's race. It is as if you could place a greyscale next to anybody's skin, and it would give you a scientifically verifiable level of tint. Because sometimes if you see things in colour, things can get very confusing. For example, some Asians are more tinted than North Africans and some West Europeans have more tint than half-bloods. And how do you even start to comprehend half-bloods?



It is said that race is not something you choose, but history has shown that oftentimes, it clearly is. For example, in common convention, a half-black person is still black. Hell, in New Zealand, a 1/16 Maori is still a Maori, if they choose to be. While this has many great advantages, such as an awesome rugby team, it does lead to all types of complications, the first of which is, you often cannot describe someone by their skin colour because that would be racial. This problem could be solved by using the Dutch language as a guide, and we could forever stop judging people by the colour of their skin. We can judge them by the tint of their skin. Prob-lem solved.

Try the tint-test yourself. How high up on the scale are you?

Take current-day Holland, for example. Holland is so not-racist that the third-largest political party is a one-man party for a guy who goes by the name of G. Wilders. By other counts he might now be the most popular political party.


It is not this Wilder, but they are both a one-man party and probably equally fun to party with.

This politician G. Wilder is currently under the process of going through a court trial filed against him for hate-speech against Muslims, by which he obviously means Turkish and Moroccans. If so much can get behind this man and his words, it is a symbol of how far Holland has come in terms of tolerance. In fact, Holland has gone beyond tolerance. We have learned to see the world not just in black-and-white, but in all the tints in between.


Example Sentence:

"I fall for tinted boys/girls" (This is a very common expression to say that if you had the choice, you would prefer to have sex with someone who has some skin tint.)

Blank

Noun: A Caucasian

This may come as a surprise to many, but in Holland there are no white people. Although I wrote last week that Dutch people can see in black or white, and all tints in between, people themselves are not black or white. No, that would be racial. Holland doesn’t have white people. They have “blank” people.

Yes, in Holland, Caucasians are not white, but colourless, kind of like the Hollow Man, except without (necessarily) being perverts, stalkers and maniacal killers. This is probably why Caucasians are less likely to be arrested of committing crimes, because the crimes they do commit usually go unnoticed.

Conversely, they don’t have black people. They have “darker” people [“donkere”]. This is usually used to describe when somebody’s skin-tone exceeds that of which can usually be described in terms of tint. This way, the entire spectrum of race can be described without being controversial.

Confused? Let's clear this up by using the magic of google images. This first screencap is what you get when you search for "tinted men". The 2nd photo of Vin Deisel is an excellent example. The fifth picture of Ice Cube is probably better under the "darker" category. The 2nd photo on the 2nd row is Johnny Depp, and although he often portrays "darker characters" this is not usually what is meant. The three photos of police vehicles (or 30%) is brushed off as coincidence.

This next screencap is when you search for "darker people". These all seem to be fine examples, especially the Masai Bushwoman. Well done Google.

Hopefully now you are armed with the Gazelle-ish words of "tinted", "blank" and "darker", you can now describe different races by their skin colour with confidence.

Example Sentence:

"Life is a blank sheet of paper, unless you are tinted."

"Geert Wilders is so blank that I can see right through him."

Beffing

Verb: to give oral sex to a female

Last week the Gazelle tackled the subject of piping, and in the spirit of democracy and gender equality, this week's gazelle word is to please the female readers. (Just to shut up the feminists for a few minutes). Because nothing could be more gazelle-ish.

Like last week's word which concerned "fellatio", this topic is difficult to describe without being overly medical, or overly crude, or overly vague. Sexual health brochures will probably talk about "cunnilingus", and in more casual conversation people might use the phrase "giving head". However, since that is gender non-specific, people who are homophobes often prefer to avoid that term. And if you want to delve into the world of euphamism, take your pick:
(as usual, this list is but a small portion from George Carlin's incomplete list of impolite words (longer audio version here))

• barking at the ape
• bird-washing
• blow-job
• box lunch
• bush dinner
• cuntino fillet with white sauce
• cunt lapping
• dive a muff
• eating at the "Y"
• eating pussy
• eating out
• egg mcmuff
• face job
• french job
• french tricks
• furburger
• give face
• give head
• go down on
• go south
• go under the house
• hair pie
• head job
• larking
• lickety split
• moustache ride
• muff barking
• muff dive
• mumbling in the moss
• pearl diving
• playing in the sandbox
• sea food dinner
• shrimping
• sit on one's face
• smokin' in the fur
• sneeze in the basket
• sneeze in the cabbage
• talking to the boat people
• talking to the canoe driver
• telephone the stomach
• tongue-fuck
• tuna taco
• whistle in the dark
• whistling in the weeds
• yodeling in the gully

The Dutch word "beffen" strikes a nice middle-ground between being just polite enough to say around females, crude enough to still be sexy, funny enough to say around your friends, and it's not just another euphamism which someone might not quite understand. "Beffen" has been entered into the Urban Dictionary as is, but why not simply incorporate this into the English language and make it into a proper verb? It would solve a lot of confusion, and with this topic, confusion is the last thing you want to incite.


Example Sentence:

"I wan't to use the word "beffing" in its non-continuous verb-form: "he befs", "she befs", but I am afraid I won't be able to do it tastefully... I guess I just didn't."

"Tom Selleck didn't always have a moustache. It happened in a tragic beffing accident."


*by the way, how hilarious is "yodeling in the gully?".
Answer: very.