Kwak

Noun: a blob of semen

In Dutch, the word of origin is "Kwakje", the suffix of which is the commonly used "je". This is used in two ways.

1. The cute-ifying way
This is used often by women and children to make themselves sound cute. It would be like adding "little" before every noun:
"hurry up little children, put on your little shoes, and let's all go to your little friend's house, little Johnny"
2. The belittling way (AKA my favourite way) This is used in ways to brutally and efficiently insult someone, without the use of swearwords. It is also best translated as "little" such as this example sentence:
"Hey little man, get in your little car, and go home to play with your little prick."
You get the idea. Therefore, "kwakje" is more than just "semen", or rather, it is less. Synonyms in English for this word never really refer to the amount, especially not in the negative. Consider this list of synonymns that I totally just thought of from the top of my head:
seminal fluid, ejaculate, spermatoza, seed, manseed, come/cum, love nectar, man glue, jizz, jizm, spunk, happy juice, love pudding, Albino-custard, Aphrodites-Evostick, arse-grease, ass-grease, axle-grease, baby-custard, baby-fat, baby-food, baby-gravy, baby-juice, baby-paste, baby's, ball juice, ball-bearing-oil, baume-de-vie, beans, beef-extract, beef-gravy, belly-seed, Bob-Monk, boy-honey, bubblejack, bull-gravy, bullets, bung-juice, bung-spew, butter, buttermilk, chism, chitty, cock-paste, cock-porridge, coke puke, cock-snot, cock-vomit, cockwax, cocoa-butter, come, come-juice, comings, courting-cream, cream, cream-sauce, crud, crunt, cum, cum-cum, cundy, Cupid's-toothpaste, curd, custard, Cyclops'-tears, daddy's-sauce, dick-butter, dick-drink, dicksplash, dog-water, doll-spit, dolly-spit, discharge, dream-whip, ejaculant, ejaculate, emission, emok, face-cream, father-stuff, fetch, foam, French-dressing, French-fried-ice-cream, French-fried-ice-water, froth, fruit-juice, fuck, gentleman's-relish, germen, germin, gism, gissom, gisum, gizzum, glaze, glop, gloy, glue, goat's-milk, gonad-glue, goo(-goo), gravy, gub(b), guma, hand-lotion, happy-juice, Harry-Monk, herbalz, hockey, home-brew, honey, hookey, hooky, hot-fat, hot-juice, hot-lead, hot-milk, Irish-confetti, jack, jam, jazz, jelly, jelly-juice, jerk-juice, jessom, jet-stream, jip, jisem, jism, jissom, jizz, jizzom, jizzum, joombye, joy-juice, juice, junk, krud, lather, lech-water (lechwater), letch-water (letchwater), lewd-infusion, liquid-hair-dressing, load, love-butter, love-custard, love-juice, love-liquid, love-liquor, loves-nectar, lumpy-piss, man-chowder, man's-milk, manfat, manglaze, manglue, man-juice, man-milk, man-mustard, man-oil, man-soup, maria, marrow, marrow-pudding, mayonaise, McSpunk, mecotero, melted-butter, mess, mettle, mettle-of-generation, minkus, milk, milt, muck, muckle, mungle, oil-of-man, ointment, oyster, paste, pearl, pearl-drop, pearly-passion-potion, pecker-snot, pedigree-chum, people-paste, phallic-ejaculant, phallic-vomitus, pineapple-chunk, pod-juice, population-paste, prick-juice, protein, pudding, queen-bees, reproductive-fluid, rice-pudding, rich-cream-sauce, roe, royal-jelly, sauce, scum, seed, seminal-discharge, seminal-fluid, seminal-milk, seminal spur, sexual-discharge, sexual-spendings, shissom, slime, slizz, smud, snake-venom, snedge, snot, snowstorm, soap, soul-sauce, Spanish-rice, spence, spend, spendings, sperm, spermatic-juice, spew, splash, splooch, splooge, spoo, spooch, spooey, spoof, spooge, spoonta, spratz, spudwater, spuff, spume, spunk, starch, stick, stick-it-in, sticky, sticky-seed, stitch, stuff, suds, tadpole-treasure, tail-juice, tail-oil, tail-water, tallow, tapioca-pudding, tapioca-toothpaste, Thelonius-Monk, turnip-seeds, Victoria-Monk, vitamins, wad, water-of-life, wazz, whipped-cream, white-blow, white-honey, white-love-piss, white-swallow, whitewash, whore's-milk, yogurt, yuk, cundy, distillate-of-love, distillatia, jizz-spider, lose-bullets, map-of-England, map-of-Ireland, number-three, oyster-stew, pearl-necklace, pecker-tracks, pre-cum, snowdropping, unload, wet-dream, aspermatism, Irish confetti, queen bees, reproductive fluid, rice pudding, pearl drop, protein, pearly passion potion, pecker snot, pecker tracks, phallic ejaculant, phallic vomitus, mayonaise, McSpunk, mecotero, oil of man, ointment, muckle, royal jelly, sauce, seminal discharge, seminal milk, shissom, snake venom, snedge, snowstorm, soap, soul sauce, Spanish rice, spence, spendings, jet stream, jip, Harry Monk, herbalz, home brew, hot juice, hot lead, hot milk, junk, krud, liquid hair dressing, love butter, love liquid, lumpy piss, man chowder, man milk, man mustard, man oil, man soup, maria, aspermia, ass grease, albino custard, arse grease, baby custard, baby fat, baby food, baby gravy, baby juice, baby paste, beef extract, ball-bearing oil, belly seed, Bob Monk, boy honey, bubble-jack, bull gravy, bung juice, bung spew, buttermilk, cock vomit, come-juice, cream sauce, cum-cum, Cupid's toothpaste, curd, Cyclops' tears, daddy's sauce, doll spit, dolly spit, dick drink, ejaculant, father-stuff, foam, fruit juice, gentleman's relish, French-fried ice water, glaze, gonad glue, gub(b), guma, hand lotion, spooey, spoonta, spuff, starch, sticky seed, tail oil, suds, tadpole treasure, Thelonius Monk, turnip seeds, Victoria Monk, vitamins, water of life, white honey, white love piss, whore's milk, yogurt, decorations, dick breath, cocoa butter, tapioca pudding, wad, comings, marrow, goat's milk, seed, rich cream sauce, Old Slimy, Scotch screw, golden screw, hive, cookie crumbs, cream-stick, come stain, cranking for cum, butter and eggs, baume de vie, beans, damp patch, cum dodger, cum stain, erected spermapositor, happy juice, fire blanks, upshoot, white blow, loves nectar, whipped cream, yuk, white swallow, whitewash, tapioca toothpaste, tail juice, tail water, sticky, spume, spunk, spratz, spudwater, spoof, spooge, fetch, French dressing, French-fried ice cream, germen, germin, goo, goo-goo, gravy, glop, gloy, glue, froth, FACE CREAM, dog water, emok, dicksplash, dream whip, crud, crunt, custard, custard cannon, baby's, Aphrodites Evostick, axle grease, butter, beef gravy, cometosis, cockwax, cock paste, cock porridge, cock snot, chitty, hockey, homo-milk, hookey, hooky, hot fat, jelly juice, jerk juice, joombye, joy juice, marrow-pudding, manfat, manglaze, manglue, mess, mettle, mettle of generation, man juice, love custard, love juice, living sauce, lather, lech-water, letch-water, lewd infusion, scum, seminal spurt, sexual discharge, sexual spendings, slime, slizz, smud, spermatic juice, spew, splash, splooch, splooge, spoo, spooch, spend, snot, mungle, paste, pearl, milt, minkus, muck, roe, pearl necklace, pineapple chunk, pod juice, population paste, prick-juice, pedigree chum, people paste, jelly, cream, bullets, chism, dick butter, cum, emission, gizzum, gism, gissom, gisum, jessom, jisem, jism, jissom, jiz, jizz, jizzom, jizzum, honey, jazz, load, milk, pudding, oyster, sperm, waz, wazz, wet dream, White Russian, spunk-pot, take in cream, taking part in population control, unload, truffle hunting, urethra, urethral meatus, urethral orifice, urethrorrhea ex ubidine, wasting babies, viral hepatitis, snowballing, snowdropping, seminary, simple infanticide, skeet shooting, slaughter of the innocent, scatophiliac, seminal fluid, milt-market, milt-shop, melted butter, milk can, milk jug, milk pan, milker, milking pail, milkman, man's milk, love liquor, juice for jelly, keep down the census, keep the census down, honey pot, honeypot, hygrophilia, infanticide, ink in the pen, inseminate, homunculi, jelly bag, give juice for jelly, get one's oil changed, foofer felching, fetch metal, fetch mettle, first stage of ejaculation, glue pot, gluepot, gravy-giver, gravy-maker, emission phase, exchanging loads, felching, dumb glutton, ejaculatio deficiens, ejaculatory incompetence, cum breath, cundy, coitus saxonicus, cocksucker's breath, cocktail, churn, churner, candy-maker, carry live ammunition, cervical hostility, cream-catcher, cream jug, crow, come drunk, come off, coprafelchia, courting cream, butter boat, butter box, beehive, blood and semen cocktail, bananas and cream, ashes hauled, bed breath, bee-hive, beef bayo with extra mayo, acquired immune deficiency syndrome, juice, jack, jam, semen, come, stuff, wet patch, wet spot, clinkers, blow off, belly full, discharge, hepatitis B, lead in your pencil,

None of these terms refer to the small amount which, if we are being honest, is the truth. I mean, they don't give you a bucket when you give a sample. No, they give you a magazine and a 20ml bottle, which you can never really fill up. "Kwak" more accurately describes the reality of the situation. So let's stop kidding ourselves, and call it what it is. A small blob. Kwak.

Example Sentence (Featuring David Caruso):

Bonus 1.
Craig Ferguson actually talked about "Quacking his pants" several times on his September 8th 2009 show during his interview with Neil Patrick Harris. I think he was probably more referring to other bodily functions, but as is the nature of the double entendre, it is open to different meanings and was much funnier with my own Dutch-inspired interpretation.



Bonus 2.

In Dutch the popular cartoon characters from Duck Tales, Huey Dewey and Louie are called Kwik, Kwek and Kwak. Seriously. And noone seems to understand the irony.
Apparently Louey, the green one is Kwak. But if your Kwak is green and it is not St. Patrick's day, I reccommend you see your doctor.


Bonus 3:
There is also a belgsch beer called Kwak.

Kwak:
Worst drink ever. It is even in an appropriately shaped vessel with the white foam at the top.

Becheesed

From Dutch "verkaased"

"kaas" is a doughey, soft, often pourous, fattening, somewhat bland edible substance known in English as "cheese". It is also synonymous with Holland, as Dutch people are known sometimes by the racial slur "kaas-kop" (cheese-head).

Therefore, cheese has come to stand for everything it is to be Dutch. Someone who has been "becheesed", is usually some minority - preferably with brown skin - who is thought to have become completely Dutch, or depending on your perspective, this person may have abandoned their own culture. You know, they speak with a hard "G", they watch ice-skating, and they put mayo on everything. Verkaasd does not have a fixed point. I guess if you extend the metaphor, some people like old cheese, and some prefer younger, softer cheeses like brie. Verkaasd also does not necessarily have a value judgement of good or bad.

Racial integration is a very big issue in almost every country, so it is odd that there is no Engglish word for this. Of course, it would be possible to replace "cheese" with a word that is more appropriate to other countries. Minorities in the US might be "be-hot-dogged", immigrants in Australia cound be "be-barbied", and minorities in England might be "be-tea-bagged". But they all sound like these might be vaguely sexual terms, and it doesn't have the same imagery of a soft, white substance that cheese does. Sometimes, someone who has been becheesed might also be called an "oreo" because it is brown on the outside and white on the inside (although an oreo also refers to a specific type of Ménage à trois)The issue of becheesing has been particularly relevant in the last two years with the question of "is Obama black enough?" Even more recently, an important guy (soorry for the technical language) got into a kerfuffle for noting that Obama spoke without a "negro dialect".

Example Sentence (because people seem to learn things best when all the information is all compressed into a one-word slogan)
Bonus 1: The legend that is George Carlin shows that this was an issue well before Obama, and came very close to providing an English definition in this part of his stand-up, referring to becheesed black people as "openly white".



Bonus 2: The (terrible) movie Undercover Brother shows how the typical becheesing process works

Op-rot Coffee

noun: a coffee served with the express intent to make the servee (or guest) leave soon afterwards


We have all had the problem of having guest who just won't leave. The Dutch, being the ruthless, blatantly forward races of peoples that they are, have found a solution: the "op-rot koffie".

Telling someone to "rot op" basically is the same as telling someone to fuck off. It would get you fired if you said this to your boss. I know this because, I once saw it happening. Another temporary worker in a kitchen asked me where something was, and I pointed him to the wrong thing, so he went back to our boss who told him to ask me again. Instead of asking me again, he told the boss to "rot up". She told him to "rot op", and we never saw him again (most probably without pay for at least a few hours of work). So, we can conclude by this anecdote that telling someone to "rot op" is not at all polite. However, telling someone that you are going to serve an op-rot koffie is perfectly acceptable.
Basically, telling someone to rot op is like telling them to fuck off, only without being quite as crude. If you are brown or are wearing a head-scarf and you come across these guys, I suggest you run.

*note: this may have to do with the fact that Dutch people traditionally have been known as the world's biggest coffee drinkers. Although, this was not entirely accurate as in recent years, consumption of coffee in Holland has fallen, and the number one country of coffee drinkers is now the nation of Scandanavia) (However, it would make more sense for Scandavians to have "op-rot rape-and-pillaging" or "op-rot healthcare")

So, next time you have a guest who just won't leave, tell them you are serving an op-rot coffee. You may have to explain what it means at first, but they will definitely get the point across. For the particularly creative person, try making the above design with foamed milk. Because as I say, you can never be too classy when telling someone to fuck off.

Zwaffel

verb: to rub or slap one's own male genitals against something

Occasionally there comes along a word that is so perfect, that it has simply must traverse different languages. Zwaffel is one of these. Mark my words, especially the word "zwaffel".

"Swaffelen" was named by a Dutch online poll as 'The Word of the Year' in 2008, and has become a cultural phenomenom. For obvious reasons, I was apprehensive to include a video of zwaffeling, but I found one from the NOS Journaal, the most trusted news program in The Netherlands. Don't worry, even though it is Holland, the genitals have been censored out. The opening scene is of a guy zwafeling the Taj Mahal. This video went viral, and one hopes for the sake of the guy, considering the horrific stories I have heard of how dirty the Taj Mahal is, that the video was the only thing that went viral.

The video goes on to explain the possible etymology of the word, which unsurprisingly, is most probably German. Thank you once again, Germany! What would we do without the Germans?

(Answer: celebrate)


Zwaffeling is kind of like this, but only if Amelia used her penis

A close translation to zwaffel might be "dick-slap", but this is usually used in more serious situations, either literally or figuratively, with the express intent to pay someone the highest insult. Zwaffeling is usually performed with a much more friendly and jovial atmosphere.

English is also blessed with the word "tea-bagging", but that uses the other portion of the male set of genitals, and simply denotes the dangling of the testiclae onto something, particularly, but not necessarily, another person's mouth. The aim of tea-bagging is usually to humiliate someone. Zwaffeling can also be used to achieve this noble aim, but is much more active, and a much more all-purpose word that can be used in a wider range of social situations.
Bonus: Females are (usually) unfortunately unable to partake in the act of zwaffeling, but not all hope is lost, as they are capable of "she-bagging".

Example sentence:
[scenario - a flatmate wanting the other flatmate to clean the apartment]

A: "Clean the apartment!"
B: "I don't want to clean the apartment"
A: "What if I told you that I zwaffeled every single surface?"
B: "Where's the mop?"