Animable

adjective: dear, lovable, precious
The English "amiable" has a similar sound and meaning, but noone ever uses it, because, well, it sounds French and/or wankey. Seriously, imagine you meet a woman who has met your best friend and says he is 'amiable'. Chances are that she is either lying, or a rich stuck-up bitch. So, using this word is out of the question for most of us.

In Dutch, the word "Dierbaar" is literally "animal" and the suffix "-able". However, the meaning "dear" and "lovable" really describes the type of relationship we are usually only able to have with animals. That's why so many of us have pets, because we can train them to love us without fear of rejection. So, if the "L" word is difficult or inappropriate in a certain situation, why not try "animable". It means almost the same, but it is always easier to show your feelings to animals first.



Bonus 1:
Often to call someone an "animal" is sort of an insult, but really the truth is, animals often bring out the best of us. You know, unless we go too far like PETA (Motto: We care about animals, not people).
Bonus 2:
Animable is also a very Dutch word because there is even a serious political party called "Party for the Animals" (Motto: Animals are people too). Although, I find it hard to believe that the leader uses only make up that hasn't been tested on animals... Me and her could, umm... do it like they do it on the discovery channel...

Freedom

verb: to have sex

Sure, there are already several words and phrases to mean having sex, for example:

           a bit of jam                    action
              ball                            ballock
              boloney ride                    bananas and cream
              bang                            basket making
              batter                          beef
              beef injection                  be in a woman's beef
              belly ride                      belt
              blanket drill                   blow off the loose corns
              board                           boff
              bone                            bore
              bottle                          bounce
              bump                            bump fur
              bunny stick                     burry one's wick
              bury the bone                   bush patrol
              buzz the brillo                 cane
              change one's luck               charge
              chuck a tread                   climb
              cock up                         come across
              couple with                     cover
              crack it                        cram
              crawl                           cream
              cut                             dance the mattress jig
              daub of the brush               dick
              dicky dunk                      diddle
              dig your stinger in the honey   dip your stick
              dip your wick                   dirty work at the crossroads
              do                              do a dive in the dark
              do a flop                       do a push
              do a slide up the board         dog
              do it                           do the deed
              do the nasty                    ease nature
              exchange spit                   feather-bed jig
              feed the dummy                  fiddle
              firk                            fit end to end
              fix her plumbing                flesh session
              flop                            flop in the hay
              four-legged frolic              frig
              fuck                            fun and games
              get a bit                       get a chunk
              get a crumpet                   get a hunk
              get a little                    get a piece
              get a snipper                   get a wet one
              get home                        get in
              get into her pants              get into some serious flesh
              get it on                       get jack in the orchard
              get laid                        get lucky
              get one's ashes hauled          get one's greens
              get one's leather stretched     get one's noodle wet
              get one's oil changed           get some
              get some action                 get some ass
              get some crack                  get some hair
              get some hole                   get some pussy
              get some stuff                  get some tail
              get some tweeze                 get your bean waxed
              get your pole varnished         give her a stab
              go all the way                  go like a belt-fed motor
              go to bed with                  go to it
              go to town                      go vaulting
              grease the wheel                grind
              grind on'e tool                 hanky-panky
              have                            have a bit
              have a bit of giblet pie        have a bit of summer cabbage
              have a blow through             have sex with
              hide the ferret                 hide the salami
              hit on the tail                 hock
              hop on                          horizontal refreshment
              hose                            hot roll with cream
              hump                            impale
              introduce charlie               invade
              irish whist                     jazz
              jink                            job
              join paunches                   jounce
              joy ride                        jug
              juke                            jump
              jump on one's bones             knock
              knock off a piece               know
              ladies' tailoring               lay
              lay off with                    lay some pipe
              lay the hip                     lay some leg
              leap                            leap on
              lie                             lie with
              lob in                          love
              make                            make feet for childrens shoes
              make it                         make love
              make out with                   make the scene
              making babies                   makin' whoopie
              mate                            mess around
              mingle limbs                    mix one's peanut butter
              mount                           mugg
              muss                            nail
              mail two bellies together       nick
              nib                             nig
              nub                             nut
              oblige                          off
              park your yacht in the hair harbor
              peel one's best end             peg
              perform                         pestle
              piece                           piece of ass
              piece of pussy                  piece of snatch
              piece of tail                   pile
              pile-driving                    pin
              plant the oats                  play at all fours
              play hide the bone              plow
              pluck                           plug
              pocket the red                  poke
              pole                            pole work
              polish your rocket              pop
              pork                            post a letter
              pound                           pump
              punch                           push
              put the boots to                put the tool in the shed
              quimsticking                    ram
              ride                            rip off
              rites of venus                  roasting the broomstick
              roll                            roll in the hay
              rock                            rod
              roger                           romp
              root                            rootle
              roust                           rub bacons
              rub up                          rumble
              rumple                          rutting
              salt                            saw off a chunk
              score                           screw
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up crew
              scutz around                    secret services
              service                         shack up
              shaft                           shag
              shake                           shake the sheets
              shoot between wind and water    shoot one's wad
              short arm practice              shove
              shtup                           sink the sausage
              sink the soldier                slam
              sleep with                      slip her a length
              slip into                       split
              spoil                           suattin' on the hog
              squat jumps in the cucumber patch
              squeeze and a squirt            stab
              stable my naggie                strop one's beak
              strum                           stuff
              swing                           tail-work
              take a turn in the stubble      take a turn on shooter's hill
              tear off a piece                tear the sheets
              the disappearing cane trick     the matrimonial polka
              thread                          thread the needle
              throw a hump                    throw a leg over
              throw a shot                    thump
              tie the true lover's knot       tiff
              tip the long one                to be intimate
              tooling in the woods            tops and bottoms
              trim                            trim the buff
              trip up the rhine               tumble
              tumple                          turn up
              twiddle                         varnish one's cane
              vault                           vitamin F
              wap                             wham
              what mother did before me       wind the clock
              womanize                        work
              work out                        work the dumb oracle
              work the hairy oracle           yard
              yentz

But as they say, we can never have too many words for fornication. Well, I don't know if anyone has ever said that. Surely. At least I just said it, not that it counts for much. So let us look to the Dutch language to add another entry to this hallowed list.

"Vrijen" possibly had a more innocent meaning in the distant past 'to court or woo', but it basically means the same thing as the list above. However, the root of the word (vrij) means 'free'. Little wonder that the hippie culture caught on in Holland, when making love was etymologically the same as 'making freedom'. And all this while we just presumed that it was the availabilty of herbal cigarettes. No, those Dutch hippies were smoking more than just joints. They were playing with more than just hackey-sacks. They were giving more than just their middle finger to society... if you get my drift.

Recently in Holland, like in some other certain nations, the word "freedom" is under attack by conservatism, which is pretty much contradictory if you think about it (which is perhaps why they usually avoid thinking about it.) Next week is the national election in Holland, and among the leading parties is PVV, "The Party of the Freedom" and it's supposedly charismatic leader Geert "I look like a Jane Austin character" Wilders. Now, I don't like to get political, although the Gazelle also aims to stay topical. Mostly I appreciate politics for comedic purposes such as Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and even Monty Python.

However, you just have to hate a politician whose platform for running for governmental power is "More safety, less immigration." Yeesh. That isn't the Hippy Holland that we have come to know and expect. So, in the tradition of true Dutch freedom meaning the same thing as 'fucking', I can say to Geert Wilders and his Party of Freedom, "get fucked". And maybe one day we can all make sweet sweet freedom together.

Example sentence:



Or, choose a favourite quote from this list.

Old Whoring

verb: to reminisce, to talk excessively about the past

This actually has nothing to do with Kim Cattrall, but I can never miss an opportunity to insult her. (FYI, there are much much more slutty pictures I could have posted here, but I wouldn't wish her camel toe on my worst enemy)

"Old whoring" is a literal translation from Dutch, which people use in a non-insulting way to refer to reminscing. Reminiscing... What a crappy word that is. So messy. I had to look up the spelling of it for the purposes of this post. However, until now, there isn't a much better way to describe talking longingly about the past. "Old whoring" is an attention-grabbing word that could fill this niche.

I am usure about how this term came into existence. Perhaps it is due to the relaxed attitude of Dutch people towards prostitution that allows the whores to talk openly in public. And let's be honest, anything a whore says about her past is reminscing about better times. But old whoring is not just for old people and/or whores. No, everyone can old-whore. Young, old, male and female. Because whores are just like you and me. They're people, too, naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate behind a curtain in the VIP booth.



Example Sentence:

"Me and the guys are going to go out later for some beers and some old whoring"


Bonus
A classic older whorer is Abraham Simpson, who once famously said:

"One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.."

Effen

Adjective: "for a moment"

As the great/late George Carlin once said, swearwords are the "spice of language". Unfortunately for the English language, he pointed out that there are only 7 words you can't say on television. Then there is a considerably more extensive list of "impolite words":


Then, there are also the words that sounds like swearwords but they aren't, and so are fun to just insert into casual situation. "Effen" fits into this third category. In Dutch it basically means "for a moment", and it easily traverses the language barrier into an English sentence for added spice (and a Spice that you can have on public TV). At first hear, one may think it might be a christianified swearword version of "fucking" (like "gosh-darn-it" instead of the classic "god-damn-it"), and thus it helps emphasise the urgency of the statment. Let's get straight into an extended section of example sentences. Hopefully you too will see the gazelle-ish possibilities of creating your own and expanding the spicyness of your everyday language.

Example Sentences:

"Could you effen come here?"

"Effen leave me alone. I just want to finish this game of Solitaire."

Telephone salesman: "Do you have an effen moment for me to try and screw you?"
An irritated person: "No, I am effen busy. Effen eff off."

Talking Cunt

Noun: the facial-hairstyle known as the "goatee".

This is a literal translation from the Dutch "Pratende Kut", due to the physical similarities. I think it has great potential in English as an insult to people who have a goatee. Not that the goatee is neccessarily a shameful facial accessory (I even sport one), but you can never have enough ways to insult others. Let us simply continue this post with a gallery of well-known talking cunts.










Example sentence:
Ah, what a magnificent collection of talking cunts.

Kring

Noun: a group of people sitting in a circular formation

If that above description sounds like fun to you, chances are, you're Dutch. Dutch people love nothing better than to sit in circular formations.

For non-Dutch people, sitting in circles was probably something you last did intentionally when you were in pre-school, but in Holland, krings are for all ages. It is considered by many to be the epitomy of gazellish-ness. Yes, the Dutch like structure so much that even Gazelles are penned up.
A visual representation of a gazellish kring

The most common site for a kring is at a Dutch party. In the centre there will usually be a table to place your coffee mug or beer. Also there will be biscuits or cake, of which you can take one. Yes, just one. It is considered bad manners to take a 2nd, unless offered.

As the party goes on, any new guests will quickly be enveloped into the kring. Chairs will be brought from other rooms, the garden or the neighbour's place to ensure that this happens. No-one is excluded from the kring. It is like a giant, ever-expanding superorganism. It cannot be stopped. Everyone is sucked in. It is a social black-hole.

This is why, under the gazellish veneer, I suspect something is afoot with the phenomenom of the kring. "Kring" sounds like such a stifling word, and I suspect it might have it's more sinister side. Compare the next two images.

Yes, the 2nd image is of a seance. When you think about it, there really isn't so much difference. So, my advice to Dutch people is: try not to think about it. Especially since this Sunday is Mother's Day. Sure, she may expect flowers or a phonecall, but all the Dutch mother really wants is you to be in her kring on this special day.


Example sentence:

"Come, join us. Join our kring. We won't hurt you. Join us. You know you want to."

Dutch Champaign

Noun: A cocktail containing extremely cheap wine and supermarket-brand soda

There is a wealth of slang in the English language that begins with the word "Dutch", most of which is negative. The reason for this, according to Wikipedia, is because of an age-old rivalry with Holland and England. Basically, the English are dicks. Well, I am loosely paraphrasing Wikipedia, who says:

"English rivalry with the Netherlands especially during the period of the Anglo-Dutch Wars gave rise to several phrases including Dutch that promote certain negative stereotypes. Examples include Dutch courage, Dutch uncle and Dutch wife."

The slang words using Dutch have since been extended considerably in popular usage, usually concerning marijuana, sex or flatulence, and often a combination of all three. Browse this Urban Dictionary list with caution and patience.

However, the word Dutch often - deservedly or not - still holds the main connotation of cheapness. Whether this is true, I will not comment. I will say that the same stereotype applies to the Scottish (You can tell you have gone from England into Scotland when you see toilet paper hanging out to dry). And let's not ignore the lengendary cheapness of the Chinese (... stereotype) .

Personally, I am very Dutch in this sense, but that could well be a result from my drawn-out student life-style. Another part of this lifestyle is drinking. My "Drunkenomics" are lengendary in being able to maximise fun with minimum asking-parents-for-money.

For this, I invented Dutch Champaign. Basically, you buy the cheapest possible bottle of wine available. You know, stuff with a rubber cork. More preferably, get wine that comes in a carton labelled only "wine" in bold letters. Try to get the stuff that you might also be able to use to unclog your shower. It doesn't matter how nasty it tastes, because of the 2nd ingredient :a bottle of generic brand soda. It also costs next to nothing, and mixed together with the wine, it tastes like mummified sugar. For all you know, it resembles something that might be suitable for human consumption.Sure, this might sound disgusting and ridiculous, but it would still taste better than a real Dutch Champaign, if any Dutch person were stupid enough to try make it. Unfortunately, this post comes a few days late for the biggest party in Holland, Queen's day, but rest assured, that with just a few euro you too can celebrate being Dutch any time of the year.

Example sentence: "Do you want to go Dutch on some Dutch Champaign? I'll get the soda, and you get the wine."


Extra tips:

1. Drink from a large plastic cup
   
2. Drink while in the shower
3. Wear a helmet

This guy is enjoying his Dutch Champaign.