Kloiying

verb: to mess about, waste time with, to fuck about, to do something aimlessly or inefficiently

"Klooien" is one of many Dutch words to describe undesireable actions with a word that doesn't sound nice. A nice hard 'K' sound is a powerful tool when put into action at the right time. Transferred into English, it also gives off the sense of "clumsiness", which klooien definitely is.

Kloiying can be very similar to knutselling, with a few important contextual tweaks. Knutselling is always an activity that, although usually aimless, it usually results in something. Knutselling is also cute, whereas nobody really intends to kloiy, and as soon as somebody realises that they are in fact kloiying, they'll probably stop.

Kloiying can also be malicious, in a practical joke sense if the practical joke is pedantic one. In this sense kloiyen can be analagous to procrastination. A perfect example of this is pranks at the workplace or student-flat. This usually takes the form of filling someone's car with popcorn, wrapping their cubicle up with cellophane wrap or a particularly good toilet papering. Examples below, and endless examples at M thru F:


Example sentences:

"Uh oh. This was supposed to be an IKEA baby crib, but it looks more like a torture rack. I think I kloiyed up.

"Stop kloiying about. They're nipples, not radio dials!"

"Hey, if you guys don't stop kloiying, you're fired."

Tinted

Adjective: A person of colour

Dutch people are famously tolerant. We are so tolerant that other countries can kiss our collective tolerant asses. We are so tolerant that not even blackface is offensive. This is because Dutch people do not judge people by the colour of their skin, because they do not see colour.

They do however, see "tint". This is a much more convenient way to discerning the implications of someone's race. It is as if you could place a greyscale next to anybody's skin, and it would give you a scientifically verifiable level of tint. Because sometimes if you see things in colour, things can get very confusing. For example, some Asians are more tinted than North Africans and some West Europeans have more tint than half-bloods. And how do you even start to comprehend half-bloods?



It is said that race is not something you choose, but history has shown that oftentimes, it clearly is. For example, in common convention, a half-black person is still black. Hell, in New Zealand, a 1/16 Maori is still a Maori, if they choose to be. While this has many great advantages, such as an awesome rugby team, it does lead to all types of complications, the first of which is, you often cannot describe someone by their skin colour because that would be racial. This problem could be solved by using the Dutch language as a guide, and we could forever stop judging people by the colour of their skin. We can judge them by the tint of their skin. Prob-lem solved.

Try the tint-test yourself. How high up on the scale are you?

Take current-day Holland, for example. Holland is so not-racist that the third-largest political party is a one-man party for a guy who goes by the name of G. Wilders. By other counts he might now be the most popular political party.


It is not this Wilder, but they are both a one-man party and probably equally fun to party with.

This politician G. Wilder is currently under the process of going through a court trial filed against him for hate-speech against Muslims, by which he obviously means Turkish and Moroccans. If so much can get behind this man and his words, it is a symbol of how far Holland has come in terms of tolerance. In fact, Holland has gone beyond tolerance. We have learned to see the world not just in black-and-white, but in all the tints in between.


Example Sentence:

"I fall for tinted boys/girls" (This is a very common expression to say that if you had the choice, you would prefer to have sex with someone who has some skin tint.)

Blank

Noun: A Caucasian

This may come as a surprise to many, but in Holland there are no white people. Although I wrote last week that Dutch people can see in black or white, and all tints in between, people themselves are not black or white. No, that would be racial. Holland doesn’t have white people. They have “blank” people.

Yes, in Holland, Caucasians are not white, but colourless, kind of like the Hollow Man, except without (necessarily) being perverts, stalkers and maniacal killers. This is probably why Caucasians are less likely to be arrested of committing crimes, because the crimes they do commit usually go unnoticed.

Conversely, they don’t have black people. They have “darker” people [“donkere”]. This is usually used to describe when somebody’s skin-tone exceeds that of which can usually be described in terms of tint. This way, the entire spectrum of race can be described without being controversial.

Confused? Let's clear this up by using the magic of google images. This first screencap is what you get when you search for "tinted men". The 2nd photo of Vin Deisel is an excellent example. The fifth picture of Ice Cube is probably better under the "darker" category. The 2nd photo on the 2nd row is Johnny Depp, and although he often portrays "darker characters" this is not usually what is meant. The three photos of police vehicles (or 30%) is brushed off as coincidence.

This next screencap is when you search for "darker people". These all seem to be fine examples, especially the Masai Bushwoman. Well done Google.

Hopefully now you are armed with the Gazelle-ish words of "tinted", "blank" and "darker", you can now describe different races by their skin colour with confidence.

Example Sentence:

"Life is a blank sheet of paper, unless you are tinted."

"Geert Wilders is so blank that I can see right through him."

Beffing

Verb: to give oral sex to a female

Last week the Gazelle tackled the subject of piping, and in the spirit of democracy and gender equality, this week's gazelle word is to please the female readers. (Just to shut up the feminists for a few minutes). Because nothing could be more gazelle-ish.

Like last week's word which concerned "fellatio", this topic is difficult to describe without being overly medical, or overly crude, or overly vague. Sexual health brochures will probably talk about "cunnilingus", and in more casual conversation people might use the phrase "giving head". However, since that is gender non-specific, people who are homophobes often prefer to avoid that term. And if you want to delve into the world of euphamism, take your pick:
(as usual, this list is but a small portion from George Carlin's incomplete list of impolite words (longer audio version here))

• barking at the ape
• bird-washing
• blow-job
• box lunch
• bush dinner
• cuntino fillet with white sauce
• cunt lapping
• dive a muff
• eating at the "Y"
• eating pussy
• eating out
• egg mcmuff
• face job
• french job
• french tricks
• furburger
• give face
• give head
• go down on
• go south
• go under the house
• hair pie
• head job
• larking
• lickety split
• moustache ride
• muff barking
• muff dive
• mumbling in the moss
• pearl diving
• playing in the sandbox
• sea food dinner
• shrimping
• sit on one's face
• smokin' in the fur
• sneeze in the basket
• sneeze in the cabbage
• talking to the boat people
• talking to the canoe driver
• telephone the stomach
• tongue-fuck
• tuna taco
• whistle in the dark
• whistling in the weeds
• yodeling in the gully

The Dutch word "beffen" strikes a nice middle-ground between being just polite enough to say around females, crude enough to still be sexy, funny enough to say around your friends, and it's not just another euphamism which someone might not quite understand. "Beffen" has been entered into the Urban Dictionary as is, but why not simply incorporate this into the English language and make it into a proper verb? It would solve a lot of confusion, and with this topic, confusion is the last thing you want to incite.


Example Sentence:

"I wan't to use the word "beffing" in its non-continuous verb-form: "he befs", "she befs", but I am afraid I won't be able to do it tastefully... I guess I just didn't."

"Tom Selleck didn't always have a moustache. It happened in a tragic beffing accident."


*by the way, how hilarious is "yodeling in the gully?".
Answer: very.

Piping

verb: to give oral sex/fellatio on the male set of genetalia, blow-job, to suck a dick


The English language has long struggled with the description of this act. "Blow-job" is at best an an inaccurate description, and at worst, extremely misleading for first-time practitioners. "Suck a dick" is much more accurate, although it is very in-your-face (although I guess that is also the point of the excercise). "Fellatio" is a good scrabble word, but otherwise useless. And "oral sex" is only ever used by health professionals after the words "Always use a condom even when performing...".

So we clearly need a new word.* The Dutch word "Pijpen" strikes a nice balance, being direct and descriptive, without being overly crude. It also is also vague enough to allow personal creativity among practioners to add their own flair. The word presumably originates from the word "pipe", although I was unable to discover whether it originates from this type of pipe:
Or this pipe:

Maybe this Piper:



Or it could also quite possibly be this piper:

Actually, the last piper is so funny, here is another one for shits and giggles.Either way, it is probably best to use your imagination. Or not.


Example Sentences:

"Chris Rock is a big fan of piping"

"She is piping hot, and she pipes"

"Mario and Luigi are experts in piping, and they also make house-calls"



*Note

There are, of course, many other words and phrases for piping. I just hope someday piping gets added to George Carlin's list of impolite words. The "fellatio" section includes:

B.J. blow, blow job, blow the whistle, bone-lipper chew it, cop a doodle, cop a stem, drop on it, eat dick, fluting, french job, french way, get a facial, give face, give head, give pearls, gobble, gobble the goop, go down, go down for a whomp, go down on, gum a root, gunch, head job, hum a tune, hum job, hummer, inhale the oyster, knob job, lay some lip, mouth fuck, munch, open wide for chunky, pipe job, piston job, play a tune, polish the chrome, polish the knob, serve head, slob the knob, smoke a dick, smoke the white owl, suck a bondini, suck dick, suck off, suck the sugar-stick, sucky-fucky, swallow a sword, swing on it, tongue job, worship at the altar, wring it dry

Swerver

Noun: A homeless person, a drifter, a hobo, a dakless

Keeping with a recent theme (and with writing about what you know best), is another posting about describing homelessness. Swerver is a slightly more nuanced word, proving that the Dutch can also be subtle and victims to politically correct left-wing censorship. However, the word "zwerver" sounds like a great way to describe people who have gone off life's proverbial rails, someone who has lost their way, someone who has gone off track.

In a very relavant but non-humorous segue, here is a brilliant song by a truly underrated reggae singer, Nasio Fontaine.


Having been off-track myself for quite some time, I have great affinity for swervers. This is not the same as having sympathy for them, let alone having loose change for them. I'm too consumed with my own self pity. It is kind of the same difference as a homeless person and a hobo. A hobo/swerver is simply a lost soul who have a great life-story and might still get back on their feet, while Homeless/dakless people are serious and sad (even when holding up funny signs) and don't have a soul.

So, I would much prefer to be called a swerver than dakless - at least while I still have internet access. (Hint to people who are exploring their options of becoming homeless - McDonalds cafe's have wifi, so try to stake out territory within range. I hear blogging is a great way to dig your way out of being homeless. Either that, or get the E-book of the New Testament).


Example Sentence:

"If you see a swerver on the road, he's worth five points. (10 if you reverse over them)"

Zatt

Adjective: to be fed up, to have had enough, to be tired of something

The Dutch word "zat" is a muti-faceted word that generally denotes a large amount of something, with the connotation that it is 'too much'. In common conversation, it often means that somebody is drunk, or, in this particular case, you are "fed up". Other ways of saying this could include:

• I really don't care now
• What's the point now?
• I'm too old for this
• I'm not going to put up with this crap anymore
  
• I'm sick of this shit
• I don't give a fuck anymore
• It's too late for that shit

Or, my personal favourite:

• Fuck this shit

But there are those times in life you just really, really don't give a shit anymore. And when you have fallen in this deep, syllables are of a premium. A concise word is most welcome. You don't want to expend energy that you could otherwise be using to contemplate your own misery. Just ask anybody who is depressed how they are, and they will probably give you a one-word answer. ("fine")

The problem with the above phrases is that the most effective ones seem to have swearwords in them. While I don't think this is a coincidence, "zatt" has a very clear meaning and can eliminate the need for this.*

The English phrase "I'm fed up" is quite short, but with a bit of gazelle, we can do even better. How about just saying "I'm zatt"? Zatt is such a good word because it carries with it an air of despair, while still preserving some innocence. Someone who is 'fed up' might still want to stab somebody, but someone who is zatt is more likely to turn the knife on themselves. And while both of those scenarios are not great scenarios, I'd rather people stab themselves. Besides, most of those people just want attention. I'm zatt with those people. They are ruining the good repuation of the truly suicidal.

Of course, zatt doesn't have to be that heavy. You can be zatt with your work, zatt with your flatmates, and zatt with the sudden unannouced 16 cent rise (100%) in bake-off bread at all Dutch supermarkets. At least I was zatt with all those things.

How can the price of these jump from 16 cents to 32 cents overnight, of different brands at different supermarkets? It is a conspiracy, I am sure of it.


Example sentence:

"I'm zatt with this shit"

[* Although I said that zatt can replace swearwords, it doesn't necessarily mean I believe that they should.]