Kramerism

a blunder where one takes the wrong lane, or to go the wrong way
We here at the Gazelle like to be topical, and the only topic in Holland for the last week has been about speed skater, Sven Kramer, getting disqualified at the Winter Olympics in the 10,000 metre speed skating event.

Although the (you)tubenazis are removing almost all footage of this spectacular gaffe, here is a news item which shows some footage:


Basically, his coach kind-of pointed him in the wrong direction, and Sven Kramer took the wrong lane which is an instant disqualification. Now, Sven Kramer is the world champion at this event, was expected to win, and at this stage of the race was several seconds ahead of the leader (a Korean who had just broken the previous Olympic record). In fact, Kramer would easily have set a new World record had he not been disqualified. So, he was pretty bummed, as was the rest of Holland.

I think it is rather brilliant, as it has started a new meme in Holland. For example.


It is also nice to bring the term "Kramerism" back to something more innocent. Because for many people, the word "Kramer" has been kind of ruined since this epic event:



Example sentence:

Old drivers on the highways are always guilty of kramerisms

Visual example of a kramerism:

Belgsch

Ajective/Noun: "Belgian" To most English speakers, the word "Belgian" basically denotes expensive chocolates that girls seem to like. It is not fair, because Belgium has some other, although not many, things going for it, such as being a border nation of Holland, and a low average IQ.

I should explain. It is not that I have anything against Belgium, but I am trying my best to re-intergrate into Holland, and you know what they say about a common enemy. It is like the geeky kid at school who joins in on picking on the new kid who is thankfully even more geeky than myself... I mean, the geek. Who definitely wasn't me.

[...]

Hey, we are supposed to be picking on the Belgsch right now! I wasn't expecting some sort of Spanish inquisition.

The Belgsch are the Dutch's friendly neighbours to the south, and are kind of like what Canada is to America. Then again, Belgium is also France's Canada, so that sucks doubly for them. Maybe the Belgsch can pick on the Luxembourgians or something. Maybe that will give them some self-esteem back.

To the Dutch, the Belgsch are stereotyped as stupid, slow, always repeat themselves, and are stupid. They are always the punchline of the racial jokes you have all over the world, like this one:

"Did you know the Belgian Ministry of Transport has introduced a new sign?
It reads "End of Roundabout""

This stereotype is probably in large part to the Dutch-speaking half of Belgium being such ant fuckers when it comes to the Dutch language. They see themselves as the true keepers of the Dutch language, as if it contained the answers to the holy grail. This is despite the fact that they can't even pronnounce a proper hard "G" sound. This choking-like gutteral utterance (or "gutterance") is the hallmark of the Dutch language. Sure, it sounds like giving a voice to lung-cancer, but at least it doesn't sound Belgsh. This is the reason I prefer to say "Belgsch", which is best pronnounced with a ridiculously exaggerated hard "g". Optimally, it would make other people want to give you the heimlich maneuver half way through saying it. Stick it to them and their soft "G", I say.

As an added, although unintential, bonus, "Belgsch" also sounds like one of my favourite bodily functions. Well, it would definitely be in the top 15. If this adds to the belittling of Belgium, then all the better! I will have done my small part, and been able to more easily pass for one of the (Dutch) guys.


Example sentences:

"I love Belgsch beer"
"What happened to your "G"? Do you have a lisp and a cold, or are you just a Belgsch?"

Stepping

Verb: To go out

Technically, the above translation is incomplete. "To go out" is one of those unnecessarily vague words, that often has to be defined or explained right after. It can either mean "To go out on a date" or "To go out on the town". For some reason there is never much confusion when I tell people that I am going out. They are probably:

A) Not listening
B) Certain that there still exists no single female that would go out with me
C) Just happy to see me leave

Still, my extensive research (watching television programs) has shown conclusively that "going out" is a problematic word, having two meanings that are slightly related but very important to differentiate. That would be like having the same word meaning "poison" and "food". Or a word that means both "condom" and "erection". You are asking for trouble. This might sound a little obvious, but we need different words to describe different things.

The solution is Dutch. "Stappen", literally meaning "stepping", is not only a different word, it also does an admirable job of describing what people do when "hitting the town". "Going out" only describes the very start of the night, which is usually the least significant part, and it suggests that you don't do anything once leaving the house. Stepping involves movement, having fun, bar hopping, dancing, running away from a really muscly guy whose girlfriend you just tried to grope. You know, just, having fun. That's what stepping is all about.

This term was actually foretold by one of the greatest musical talents of our generation. Many people have stopped taking him seriously because of some unfortunate (ahem) "minor" incidents, but few have been able to equal him, and hopefully now people are able to realise this. Listen to him in this video using the word "stepping", and related words such as "step" and "stepper". Although he uses it more as a synonym for dancing, it takes on a much wider meaning.




Of course, these are songs by the genius that is R. Kelly. These two song excerpts are from "Happy People", and "Stepping into Heaven". In fact, this whole album (The Happy People Album) is filled with songs for steppers, and if you ever need to feel good and you ran out of mice to feed to your pet snake, this album will definitely better your mood. Well, unless you hate this kind of music. Then I can't help you. But stepping can.




Example Sentence:Rose: "I don't know the steps."
Jack: "Neither do I. Just go with it. Don't think."
Rose: [girly shriek]

Spoiler alert: a few scenes later scene, they have sex. Oh yeah, they be stepping! And then they "went out"...

Knutselling

I remember the time when I first heard this word. A daughter of some friends asked if she could go "knutselling" in my room. I thought; "aren't you too young for that?" But no, once I found out what she meant, I was all for it. In fact, I love knutselling. I seem to think I am very good at knutselling. So, I usually only knutsel by myself, so it was fun to do knutselling together.

Okay, if you are unfamiliar with this word, then before you call the police or send a pitchforked possy to pay me a visit, read the definition.
Knutselen: to tinker, to potter about, do-it-yourself, to do arts and crafts, etc.

If there is a word that the English language needs, "knutselling" is it. It is so perfectly descriptive of what people do, specifically in two scenarios.
Case Scenario 1:
A guy who likes to make stuff in his own workshop. The workmanship might be a little shoddy, he might not have the most efficient working methods, and he probably doesn't know anyone who has much use for another coathanger-slash-birdhouse. Still, it's his hobby. Now, the current best way to describe what he is doing might be "handymanning", but I don't like to use that word because I once accidentally saw a movie by that same name. Worst movie ever! Let's just say that the plot involved a very different kind of "hammering" than what I was expecting.
So instead, a slight Englishification, and "knutselling" is a great way to describe what men do in their garages and workshops. Well, that and meetings for the National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood ("NO MA'AM) meetings:

Case scenario 2:
It's a known fact that children like to make crappy things. The three things that children are good at making is noise, poop and fridge-decorations. Knutselling is exactly the right word for how they make these fridge-decorations. Basically, knutselling is anything they make from paper, scissors, colouring pencils, glue, glitter, macaroni, egg cartons, sea-shells, feathers and any other crap they can find. Currently, the best way to describe what these children do is "arts and crafts". But which is it? It certainly isn't art, or my university education in Art History was a complete waste of time (which it clearly wasn't, right? Right?). And there is so little craftsmanship in what children make to justify it as craft. The Dutch have done well to recognise this activity with such an appropriate word, and they sometimes go even further by having a "knutsel table", and even a "knutsel room" instead of a rumpus room. This might even be the reason that Holland was ranked as the best country to raise children. Although on the other hand, it might also be the worst country to be raised as a fridge. "oh... Thanks honey. It's, really... Wow... Thanks. I'll go and put it on the fridge now."


Example Sentence:"Not even McGuyver could beat me at knutselling."


Update: Even Miffy knutsels!
Well, she might be knutselling, or since all Dick Bruna's characters are made from paper, she could be wearing someone else's face.

Homophile

Spelled 'Homofiel': an old fashioned word for 'homosexual'.

The Netherlands is known to be a very liberal country, and a bastion for the gays. And for the most part, it is. In fact, there is even a professional soccer-football club that plays in the Dutch league that is comprised entirely of homosexual men. The club is called Ajax. (Zing!)

But seriously, maybe Holland is not as liberal and accepting as commonly thought, as shown by this Dutch word, combining the Greek "Homo" (same) with "fiel" (the love of). Yes, this is the same ending used in disgusting words like pedophile (sex with children), necrophile (sex with dead things) and germanophile (sex with Germans). Disgusting. Who would do such a thing?Oh... Well, maybe just this once...

Anyway, where was I...

While "homophile" may still be an old-fashioned word, it is by no means offensive and it is still incommon usage. According to Wikipedia it is now used by homosexuals themselves as a vague way to refer to their lifestyle. You know, in case they are ever talking to a kakker because it would shock them to hear a word with "sex" in it. Apparently the Dutch gays think that rather than refer to sex, it is better to associate gayness with paedophilia, necrophilia and germanophilia. So maybe the real liberal people in Holland are the gays. Wow, what a revelation: gay people are often liberal! Even in Holland!

This concept and even the term "homophile" is not necessarily a Dutch word; it has just fallen out of favour in English for the same reasons as above. Except, according to the trusty old wikipedia:
"in recent years the term has also been adopted by anti-gay groups and Christian fundamentalists, particularly in the United States and Poland, as a term of abuse for gay men and lesbians by attempting to imply a link between homosexuality and paedophilia."

It seems that a reason why Holland remains a bastion for the gays because they have claimed the insult as their own. In English they have already claimed fag, homo, and even queer as their own. I guess the Dutch gay community are adhering to the old adage of "sticks and stones will break my boner". Surely homophile will be the next word to be adopted. In 10 years we will probably be watching "Homophile eye for the Conservative Christian guy." And you heard it first from the Gazelle.


Bonus:
This is Gisele Bundchen. I think it is pretty self-explanatory why this is a bonus. However, I don't think I need to make another exception since she is technically only of German descent...


Example Sentence:

"Oh, I'm flattered, but I'm not a homophile, not that there's anything wrong with that."

Bekakked

From bekakt, verb: to be snobby, arrogant, snooty, posh

The etymology of this word is from "kak", meaning shit, and literally it means "shit-soiled". However, it now more commonly denotes rich people, and the way they act and especially how they talk. Sure, this might accurately be translated to "snobby", but it is much more fun to refer to them with a word synonymous with poo. Despite this, it is a relatively tame insult that isn't really insulting to many people. Rich Dutch people apparently know that they are full of shit.

Despite the Netherlands being such a small country, there are so many distinct accents. It must be almost as wide and varying as England - whose own version of a bekakked accent might be Royal Queen's English, BBC English, or Oxford English. While I am unable to distinguish many different Dutch accents - let alone identify them - bekakked accents are often as obvious as the nose on their face which they hold up high.

Because parody is an exaggeration of truth, here is a parody of Queen Beatrix, the Divine ruler of Holland.


Compare that to this parody of Prince Charles. It's nice to know that stupid, annoying richness doesn't know any borders.



While being bekakked is often betrayed by one's speech, it is much more than audible. For many it is a way of life. A boring, annoying, way of life... Users of the bekakked accent usually have two first names (for example, Hans-Peter), and often have a proclivity for pink dress-shirts, golfing sweaters tied around their necks, and having faces that for some reason you would like to punch in the mouth. You too ladies: Women are also highly capable of being bekakked. Here is an image of two such fine specimens.
In this picture, the dog is actually there to clean up after the ladies.

Bonus: A person who is bekakked is called a "kakker", which I suppose means "one who shits". It also has the added bonus of having the same pattern and rhythm as a certain six-letter word that is highly offensive to a certain demographic, if you see where I am going... But stupid rich people deserve it.


Example sentence:

"She's becoming so bekakked that she is starting to shit from her mouth."

Ant Fucker

Mieren Neuker
Noun: Someone who makes a big deal out of a small thing.

Once, when I first arrived in Holland after a 19-year absence, I was having a lot of problems with certain paperwork. Even though I had a Dutch passport, I couldn't start working until I had a tax number, which they wouldn't assign to me because I did not have a permanent address, but I could not get a permanent address until I was accepted into a university course I had applied to, and I couldn't get a bank account number to be paid into until I had a tax number. It would have been easier for an illegal sex worker with herpes to find work. While venting to a Dutch friend, she said:
"The Dutch can be such Ant Fuckers".

Of course, in Dutch "mieren neuker" doesn't sound so crude, but it literally does mean "ant fucker". That made me feel a lot better.

The closest word in english would be "stickler", which is explained well in this Dave Barry column, "nit-picker" or "perfectionist".

I was thinking about what the antonym for "ant fucker" might be, and the closest thing might be "Hic A Doo La". See if you can spot the ant fucker in this song.

Bonus information: Dutch Pop "star" Frans Bauer claims to be an ant fucker. But in all fairness, he actually looks like someone who would fuck ants.
Yeah.


Bonus number two:Technically, the translation of "mieren neuker" denotes the plural of ant, although whether this is many at the same time, or having promiscious relations with several ants at different times is unclear. Also, within the ant community, don't only the Queen ant and the flying males have sex? Actually, this might not even be true, and if this is interests or angers you, chances are, you are an ant fucker.


Example sentence (aside from "The Dutch can be such ant fuckers"):

"Stop saying I can't spell. Your an ant fucker!"

Gazelle

"Gezellig" is certainly the most Dutch word there could be. It is the linguistic version of two gay stoner tulips dutch-ovening each other under a windmill after a rioting at a football game. For such a commonly used word, it is so misunderstood outside of the language. It has been translated as:

• Attractive
• Comfortable
• Companionable
• Convivial
• Cosy
• Folksy
• Friendly
• Homelike
• Homey
• Pleasant
• Snug
• Sociable
• With atmosphere
• With Character

Normally I would believe in the almighty power of Wikipedia, but for once, maybe, just maybe, something on the internet isn't entirely accurate. But let's quote it as a starting-point.

1. Having company with a pleasant, friendly ambience
2. Cozy atmosphere
3. An upbeat feeling about the surroundings

Never mind that they used the more obscure spelling of "ambiance". The point is, no word can describe all the situations that can be gezellig. Once, when I was working as a lunch-lady, I was asked to make a tuna salad. I was given a big can of tuna, mayonnaise, lemon, chili, and chives. I asked how much of the chives I should put in, and the lady replied "Until it looks gezellig". While I am sure that a bathtub of tuna salad might be cosy to some people, and may be the next revolution in matrass technology, I doubt that is what she meant.

For years now, when speaking English and I come across a situation that is gezellig, I say "This is gazelle-ish". Try it. As little sense as it might make, it makes much more sense than trying to explain it. It has nothing to do with gazelles, but just even thinking of a gazelle makes someone happy, mirroring the meaning of the word. Seriously, look at this picture of a gazelle without feeling a little uplifted. You won't be able to do it.

Feel the gazelle run through your body. Feels good don't it? And this is the purpose of The Weekly Gazelle.


Example Sentences:

"I love what you have done with the bedroom. It looks gazelle-ish."
"Last night was so much fun. We had a gazelle."
"We had a Christmas dinner with the neighbours. We had wine, bread, salad, and gazelle."