Badonka Donk

This is the 52nd - and therefore the last - posting here at the Weekly Gazelle. Thank you for checking in occasionally for some servings of Gazelle, and hopefully you were able to enrich your English vocabulary with all types of Dutch words (especially the profane ones). Besides the (admittedly small) entertainment and educational value, I hope this weblog will continue to be a valuable reference, because as we all know, once something is on the internet, it must be true. It is only a matter of time before these 52 words are incorporated into the Oxford English dictionary.

However, until this time, we will gradually work to fill in the gaps on Urban dictionary, such as this entry on 'muts'. In this manner, The Weekly Gazelle will make a small, but valuable contribution to humanity. Some, like zwaffle, is already an entry, but there are many glaring holes in the Dutch-to-English language crossover.

For the last 52 weeks, we want to express our thanks in the most Gazellish way possible. "Bedankt" is the how they say "thanks" in Dutch, but when people say it, it sounds more like "ba-donk". So, here is a big song and dance number from an episode of the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson where he lip-synched Trace Adkin's Honkey Tonk Badonka Donk using puppets (Wavey the Crocodile from the South and Brian the gay shark), three smoking-hot dancers and the intern who always wears bondage leather. It seems like the perfect ending to the year of the Gazelle.




Badonka donk is perfect for those situations where you want to say thanks without seeming too serious, or when talking to a Dutch person and don't want to embarrass yourself with trying the proper pronounciation of the Dutch language. Either way, it can inject a little gazelle into an otherwise mundane moment.


Example Sentences:

"Badonka donk for reading, and keep on having that Gazelle for 2011 and beyond."

2nd Christmas

The 26th of December, the Day after Christmas


People love their holidays. Hell, if most people had the choice, they wouldn't work at all. That's why they have to pay you to come to your job. Anyway, Christmas is one of those times of year that most of the people in the world puts aside their personal beliefs and pretends that the imaginary birth-date of an important religio-historical figure entitles them to a couple of days off work. (They also do this to celebrate his death-day also which is often an entire long weekend.)

It is only natural that we would want to stretch out the holiday as much as possible, and many countries do with a holiday on the 26th of December. In many commonweath countries, there is Boxing Day which is sometimes called "Saint Stephen's Day", in South Africa it is called the Day of Goodwill, and a bunch of other countries have their own names for what is essentially takaing advantage of the Christian Tradition. (He also died for our public holidays apparently.) However, why don't we cut the crap a little bit and stop pretending that the 26th of December is a day for "goodwill" or for cleaning up the empty boxes or whatever the lame explanation for that name is? It is just a holiday to stretch out Christmas, hence, the 2nd Christmas.

This is apparently a term used all across Europe, but it still expresses perfectly the Gazellish concept. For what is better than not having to go to work for another day?

The use of 2nd Christmas should not be confused with Two Turtle Doves, from the song 12 Days of Christmas. However, in many countries if the 2nd Christmas falls on a Sunday, then the Monday then becomes a rare "Third Christmas", such as this year. Yes, 2010 is the year of triple unproductivity, and increasied opportunity to spend money on stuff you don't want to give, and stuff you shouldn't eat. Anything other than work. The phenomenom of the 3rd Chrismas may also be replicated when Christmas day falls on a Friday, leaving the Sunday as a day of rest from two days of rest.

Either way, wherever you are and whatever you happen to be doing and however you choose to celebrate, may the Gazelle be with you. Even if you happen to be working, because extra pay can be gazelle-ish too.


Example Sentence:

If you feel a little wrong about celebrating a 2nd Christmas, just celebrate the birthday of Mao Tse-tung. It's all the same.

Vlaming

Adjective: Something of or pertaining to the Belgian (Belgsch) region of Flanders

As a Dutch person, I look for any possible way to insult the neighbours to the West. it is my constitutional duty. So I have been waiting for more than half a year for Belguim to do something relevant so I could topically introduce this Gazelle-ish word of the week. However, quite unsurpisingly, they haven't done anything worth talking about. Sure, there has massive political unrest, but this is Belgium we are talking about - that's nothing new. So without any provocation, let's proceed.

Belgium is not only Holland's inferior little brother, but it is also a siamese twin. There is the French half, Wallonia and the Dutch half Flanders. They are always fighting and bickering, which is actually where the concept for the film Stuck on You came from.


(Instead of a liver, Belgium shares Brussels.)

So anyway, Flanders is spelled "Vlaanderen", and a person from Flanders is called a "Vlaming". This is just begging to be an English adjective for this half of Belgium. While all people from Belgium are "belgsch", we can break it down even further. Divide and conquer.

Generallly speaking, Vlaming Belgsch's are known to be ant fuckers with the Dutch language. They somehow consider themselves to be the true keepers of the language, as if they are like the Knights Templar or the Amish. If it sounds a bit childish, it's because they do sound childish. Adorable, but childish.

Of course, there is a small part of the Netherlands which is vlaming too, but we won't hold it against them. Oh wait, yes we will. At least until they all decide to just merge with Holland, at which point we will only make a little less fun of them.

(This is the vlaming symbol for Vlanderen. It's just a vlaming version of the Dutch lion.)

Example Sentences:

Here is a list of famous people from Flanders.

Kim Clijsters (A vlaming tennis player)
Peter Paul Rubens (A vlaming artist)
This guy, a vlaming singer called Will Ferdy was also apparently a vlaming homo.

Okay, that was a long walk for this joke. But so worth it.

Muts

Noun (singular): A dumb person, especially in reference to a woman, a bimbo.

A 'muts' in Dutch is a soft hat of any shape. Usually this refers to a beanie of some sort, but can include santa hats, the coonskin Davy Crockett, Soviet Cossacks AKA "The Loser" and even soft hats with a peak, ala "the Gavin DeGraw". There are many types of mutses.

However, muts is also used as an insult after somebody does something dumb. This may be in reference to this type of hat often covering the eyes and ears, or I might just have a vivid imagination and pulled that similarity out of my ass. Muts is often preceeded by "dumb", as in "My word, you are a dumb muts." This is perfect, because it sounds so much like the english insult 'dumb mutt', so it should effortlessly be able to infiltrate the English language.

Who can forget the iconic car, Mutt Cutts, from the movie Dumb and Dumber?

A further nuance of muts is that it often refers to women (perhaps as a vague reference to their downstairs genitalia). In this way, a good translation might be 'bimbo'. However, as the 76th Episode of Seinfeld astutely remarked, men are capable of being bimbo's too - or as Jerry said: "A Mimbo". Bill Maher also said something similar about Sarah Palin and George Bush, which can be seen here.



Okay, are the feminists gone? Thank goodness. Now let's take a look at possibly the biggest dumb muts in recent history: Miss South Carolina.



The great thing about using the word muts in English is that not only does it already makes sense to us because of the similarity with 'mutt', but also it makes it possible for someone to be a stupid bitch and a dumb muts at the same time. And we can never have too many animal-related insults.

While I am unsure of the exactly history of this insult, it was definitely this advertisement which really gave the word muts a wide exposure in the Netherlands. In it we see a woman checking her boyfriend/husband's phone and reads out a text messages from a woman who wrote "till over my ears". His defense was that she has a really big muts, with those flaps, that go over the ears. Yeah, I don't really get it either, but I appreciate any effort for widespread innuendo.



Example sentences:

"These people are dumb mutses."

Smink

Verb: to paint one's face - often painting it black
In this week's special Saint Nicholas-themed edition, we learn about sminking. Now, some people may cringe at the similarities with black face minstrels, but you need to understand the cultural context in Holland. Holland is a tolerant country. Even our minorities and our racists are tolerant. Likewise we are tolerant of minories and racists. So that means there can't be any racism... I think.

Anyway, around this time of year you often see people in black-face and pantaloons running around the city. They have 'schmink' ed themselves, to look like Zwarte Piet, who are basically what the elves are to Santa. Here are a couple of photos to give you an idea. And here is a what google images shows us.




(Okay, these guys at Carnival aren't Zwarte Piets, but they have obviously reused their zwarte piet costumes. This only further shows the tolerance of sminking.)

To show you the difference between blackface and sminking for St. Nick, take a look at the following example. I have taken a completely innocent subject, made him racist, and then made it okay again.



The history of Zwarte Piets is probably to do with slavery or the devil, but over time as values changed, Dutch people have changed the story (rather than the tradition), and now they are seen more as elves and helpers who like to play with kids and hand out candy. So, who can complain with that.

I was once working a random job with a female who happened to be black. We were sitting down outside a supermarket taking a small break when a woman and her young daughter stopped at our bench to pack their groceries. The little girl looked up at my colleague and asked "Are you Zwarte Piet?"
You would think this is awkward, but this must be a very common occurence for black people in Holland. I guess they are tolerant?

In the true spirit of Saint Nicholas, I have written a poem about Zwarte Piets and sminking.


Saint Nicholas is kind of like a modern-day Robin Hood
He gives presents only to the children who have been good
So to find the nice children he has to leave the country of Spain
And takes the boat over to the land of snow, sleet and rain

But it he can't do this all by himself
He has always had 'Zwarte Piet' to lend him some help
In the olden days he used some North African Moors
But that would be racist, so he doesn't do that anymore

Instead, white people all over holland avoid such a disgrace
And they take out black shoe polish and put on black-face
Then we tell the children that Piet is covered with soot from the chimney
That means that their skin is not black - it's just dirty

So the for the weeks around december racism is completely solved, I think
All thanks the the power of smink


And really, this is the most magical time of the year. While Christmas is a big holiday like everywhere else, Saint Nicholas Day is truly our own. It's much more than about presents, it's about gazellishness and of course the sweets and baked goods that are so very Dutch. It is the most gazellish time of the year, smink or no smink.

Kloyo

Noun: a person who is an idiot, asshole, a douche, dumbass, or someone who has been kloiying.

Klojo is a Dutch word which is used as a humourous insult to people who mess things up. It might be a contraction from the more common "klootzak" which literally means "nut-sack." As much fun as it can be to call someone a nutsack, it doesn't really make a lot of sense. "Kloyo" gives a nice alternative to the above words, because we can never have enough insulting words, and we can always trust Dutch to provide hard-hitting, descriptive and effective insults for when we need them most.

Let's put the word to use immediately with a gallery of kloyos.

Dane Cook: The least funny comedian of all time, talentless hack who steals jokes from the greatest comedians including Bill Cosby, Dimitri Martin and Louis CK and manages to make them not funny. What a kloyo.

You'll be surprised if you see him how freaking weird kloyo this guy is, and secretly think 'actually, he's kind of funny.'
Kloyo's can also be loveable.

Or not.
I like to think that the words behind him say "The Whore House."


Example Sentence:

"What a bunch of kloyos."

Ro-Town

Place Name: The great city of Rotterdam
When people think of Holland, they automatically think of Amsterdam. Screw those people. I should explain. Rotterdam and Amsterdam are rivals. It used to be personified by the football rivalry of Ajax (Amsterdam) and Feyenoord (Rotterdam) until recently Feyenoord became a pathetic excuse for a team, personified by a recent 10-0 drubbing. Nevertheless, being from the nearby small city of Schiedam which is 20 minutes by tram to the centre of Rotterdam, I much more associate with Rotterdam.

Rotterdam, I think, really has the potential to be the next great city in Europe. Thanks to war and the near total-destruction of the city, Rotterdam has been able to build itself up, and now boasts things that other Dutch cities can't. For example:

• City planning
• Iconic modern architecture
• Room for growth

Last year I ran the 10km race of the Rotterdam marathon (the biggest and most important marathon in Holland), and I wrote a summary of it here. There I explained and took pictures of some of the landmarks of the city.

Of course, the major exposure that Rotterdam has gotten was from the Jack Chan Film Who Am I?, of which this scene really uses the landscape to its full effect.


James Bond has been to Amsterdam several times, but Rotterdam should almost be ready to take over. The thing that Rotterdam might be lacking is a nickname. Ro-town is actually already in common usage among some groups, and is simple and memorable enough to catch on. Some people in Rotorua, NZ might be up in arms at the thought of having their nickname stolen, but come on, their city is tiny and it smells like crap. Really. Ro-Town is also the name of an iconic music hall in downtown Rotterdam, so fair enough. It's ours.

I'll leave you with a skyline I put together of some of the most iconic buildings in the city, including:

• De Witte Huis (In the early part of the century, the tallest office building in Europe)
• The Swan/ Erasmusbrug
• The Willemsbrug
• The Cube houses
• The Pencil
• The Euromast
• The City without a heart, a sculpture by Zadkine
• And the buildinng Jackie Chan slid down

Enjoy.

Example Sentences:

"Why go to Amsterdam? They just have coffee shops and ho's. So does Ro-town, but so much more."